We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

I think you sound sanctimonious and a bit selfish if I am honest. Surely you must have taken into account that this “belief system” would be hard for people to accept.

There are hundreds of things I have done in my life which don’t necessarily align with my personal views, like attending marriages of various faiths, supporting my friends who have perhaps done something I disagree with (have an affair, get caught speeding etc) and lots of things to do with my kids (being nice to some teachers I didn’t like, twat ish football coaches, parents I think ar idiots). I do them because it makes the lives of those I love a bit better and it’s no real skin off my nose.

A funeral is rightly or wrongly a large part of the grieving process and it gives comfort to lots of family members to see people turn out to remember their relatives. Honestly there is nothing sadder than a funeral with only a couple of people there. And going to the funeral is a large part of being supprtive, whatever you have done beforehand.

I've been to quite a few

There has been no 'tainting' of memories.

Quite the reverse

Rude. You’re guessing she is autistic! Just because she does not want to go to a funeral she is labelled as autistic. If she is autistic why do you feel the need to make that comment. OP doesn’t want to go to a funeral, sounds like she done more than her fair share of duties for the deceased, it’s not about doing what others expect. But then again if we go against what others expect we are autistic, maybe she is a docent being who puts her own happiness first

Why all the shock at this? Why on earth shouldn't the SIL arrange the funeral if her brother did loads of stuff while their father was alive?

Who drives these beliefs? You or the DH?

In fact, the outpouring of love for both my parents (to a large degree from people I didn't know) is such an overwhelming good memory it still makes me cry today (50 years later)

Why is going to a wedding ok but not a funeral ?

Life (or death) events are about respecting another individual as you would expect to be respected.
Hopefully you have a long happy healthy life and when the time comes it is of course your choice not to have a funeral

Kindness should always trump ‘beliefs’.

Even if it comforts others?

@Bluehummingbird sometimes we have to do things because other people need us to. At those times, our beliefs (providing the activity is not illegal) go on the backburner.

Life isn't all about you and your beliefs.

It's a strange belief system.

Funerals are mainly to support the bereaved so it's hard to understand how a belief system can involve not supporting the bereaved.

That’s because it is disrespectful . Get over yourselves.

Yes, to be honest it sounds like MIL is ok with the level of support OP and partner have provided and maybe the other family members are upset because their lack of support has been highlighted, inadvertently, as a result of OP and partner being asked to explain the non-attendance. Which is fair enough, as it's likely very confronting for them, but it's also not OPs problem.

Looking after the living in their time of need with disability/ ill health is very important. And yes others must take over and do something beneficial. Going to the funeral is performative and notable reflection of how you felt about the person.

A couple of workmates and I attended the funeral service of the mum of another workmate of ours. I had met her mum just the once, the other two not at all. The bereaved workmate was extremely touched and grateful that were there to support her.

I must admit that the excuse of a "belief system" to not attend a funeral of a close family member would leave me wondering whether I wanted to keep in touch with these people with warped "belief systems".

I would have far more respect for someone who said that they couldn't cope with a funeral rather than they don't believe in them.

This poster isn't being rude - the OP has stated "We both have ND".

Yes, I had workmates who attended my husband's funeral and I knew that they were there for me. I was grateful to them.

ETA A work colleague who had never met my mum attended her funeral and I also appreciated that.

Yes I have ASD and dh has ADHD

Am really not into funerals (who is), I often think when I am at one that people are there for the food afterwards. I don't get the food and drink thing after a funeral, its like a knees up to me. I agree with OP, and each to their own, its a tradition that we don't have to follow, I understand if people need closure, but an others perspective maybe different.

I’m the same: eco friendly, no car, don’t fly, volunteer (except I’m veggie not vegan) I question/ research things. I’m autistic.

But I go to funerals. Because it’s rude and disrespectful not to.
And I don’t refer to how I live as a “belief system” because doing so is pretentious and performative.

I don't get the food and drink thing after a funeral, its like a knees up to me
People may well have travelled quite far to get there. Food and drink is provided because it's polite to do so when you are hosting an event.

And yes, it quite often turns into a far less sombre affair than the ceremony itself but that is as much a part of the rite of a funeral as the ceremony itself. The mourning and the celebration together.

It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised...

There are not enough eye rolls in the world to respond to that statement.

So, if one of your DC dies, would you not organise/attend their funeral?
Cold.

My Family are Irish. A wake is most definitely a ‘knees up’. It’s a celebration of someone’s life.

Yeah, you fucked up, big time. Your belief system is irrelevant. Funerals are for the living not the dead, and families support each other regardless. Your DH’s mother must have devastated that he wasn’t there. Support isn’t just practical, it’s social and emotional. You not being there will have been humiliating for her on top of her devastation, at a time when she should at least have been able to draw strength from having him by her side.