We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

If you have pre-school DC, @Bluehummingbird, how long have you been with/married to your husband?

Social norms can be difficult for some neurodiverse people to understand but you now have enough responses to get a good sense of why you have caused upset.

So how are you going to respond to your family? This is where your focus needs to be now, rather than reading every semi repetitive response.

HOW are you going to express yourself to them in such a way that heals any damage, helps everyone feel understood and paves the way for positive relationships going forward? It would be a great shame if this turned into a rift between you all.

I wouldn't call it a belief system but I kind of get where you are coming from. I think that whether or not something is performative depends on how the person presents their choice and not what that choice is. I barred everyone except my self and my siblings from my late husband's funeral in order to avoid the performative element from people (not family) who expected to turn up.

I do take your point about people who don't do a hand's turn while the person is alive and exprect the person who took all that work on to arrange the funeral as well.
I think the old belief about "you can't say goodbye properly without going to the funeral" is a load of rubbish and again not worth discussing or reacting to. Its a personal thing and no-one else's business.
My caveats are that I would not have wanted to add to your Mil's grief by disagreement and somebody had to organise the funeral, so if there was no one else I would have taken it on myself to arrange what she wanted.
My other caveat is about being judged because basically fuck that. I don't care who judges me on my behaviour provided I can look at myself every day and say I did my best, or acknowledge my fails and resolve to do better, so I wouldn't be worried at all about how I want people to judge me.

We don’t insist they follow the same system as us we will teach them and bring them up in line with it but always educate them and make them aware they can make their own choices .

I’m not sure I need to reflect on it and I will read though this thread again . I posted as just needed clarity as was shocked at the reaction we’ve had and wasn’t sure how to articulate things to people etc

When they are older we will teach them as part of RE about other beliefs so it will
come in then.
Op if RE here means religious education than you are implying your "beliefs" are religion. But from everything else you said they are not part of a religion. It's just case of "we prefer to do x and don't want to do y because we think z".

You are being really weird about the religion not a religion thing the way you are framing things to keep people guessing so I am going to call it as someone bored on sat morning really now.

But children take on what their parents do, so you will be imposing this belief system on them despite your protestations otherwise

16 years

Married for 10 years

I hear you @Bluehummingbird . We don’t believe in funerals either. My DH died last December. He was adamant that he didn’t want to funeral, so we didn’t have one. You do come in for some criticism, with people saying you don’t get closure.

For some people it’s important and although I don’t believe funerals are necessary I do go to them.

I especially hate how expensive they have now become.

Your belief though means that very likely you made yourselves the talking point of the funeral. Your poor MIL having to say, probably often, no they’re not here because they don’t believe in funerals.

Your words where “do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.”

yet when your mother in law needs support your not willing to do what you proclaim to be all about!

I find the cognitive dissonance on the site astounding. Every second thread is people moaning about the 'mental load' , saying how squeezed they are, and cursing that women have to do everything. The second that a woman refuses to do something, everyone lines up to slam them..MIMS.

Funerals help with the grieving process - giving opportunity to gather and appreciate the dead. Share stories and anecdotes and accept that it has happened. There’s a reason they take place and have done in some form since humans existed.

Instead of going through this process, you MIL likely had to spend time explaining why her son wasn’t there and worrying what others would think (would they think there had been an argument between father and son, for example).

The day of the funeral would’ve been made undoubtedly worse for your mil without her son there - and she may understand but that will still remain true. If you and more importantly than you, your husband are happy with that, then I don’t understand why you’re bothering what people think?

To us it’s no different to any child being raised in any religion for example. They are taught certain things but learn about other religions and can choose to change or not believe in anything when they are older ?

Well here my perspective on that. My husband died, suddenly, when he was only 48 - I was a year older. I’m not religious in the slightest, I don’t believe in any sort of after life and I’m not superstitious. His funeral was simply a celebration of his life, and I was touched and honoured by the number of people - friends, colleagues, neighbours, family - that did turn up to support me.

Did it make me feel better? No. Was it going to take away the pain? No. Was it comforting to know that he’d had a positive impact on so many people’s lives? Yes. Was it nice to chat, to, talk and to reminisce with people about him, about things he did, about his strengths and his flaws, and about the things he’d done and the things we’d miss. Yes it was. And do we do that over more than a few glasses of champagne. Yes we did. Judge away.

Attending funerals is seen as both a sign of respect for the dead and to support the living in their grief. You share happy memories of the dead person. I have told my nearest that I dont want a funeral, I want a direct cremation. If they want to get together to share memories that's their choice, I'll be dead then.

So I think you were disrespectful not to go, regardless of your own belief about funerals. It's obviously better to be there when everyone else has gone home but I think it might actually have helped your husband to attend the funeral.

I can't get my head around a son not supporting his mother at his father's funeral. Genuinely shocked.

Respectfully, you do need to reflect on it because this isn't just about the two of you. Your behaviour and attitude is causing great hurt.

It's quite possible to heal this hurt and make amends without abandoning your personal feelings about funerals.

Your belief system is your business. But you are going to get reactions. Best just to ignore them.

I think if I had to spend my fathers funeral explaining to all and sundry why my brother had chosen not to attend rather than grieve as intended I’d be pretty annoyed too

Our difficult relatives have equaling obtuse dc. They all go together and dc are brainwashed. They certainly don’t think for themselves!

You may not "believe" in funerals, but they are part of life and you will find this increases as you get older. No-one enjoys them. They are usually an ordeal. However, they give loved ones a chance for a formal goodbye and to support each other, and reflect on loss.
They give closure.
Most people compromise their beliefs at some point. If you feel that you cannot compromise, even to support others and support the final goodbye, that's up to you.
However, you'll have to prepare to be judged negatively.

It's fine, OP - there's no obligation to go to funerals. This also the reason why so many people opt for direct cremation.
I also don't understand the "saying goodbye" thing - how can you say goodbye to a person who isn't there and no longer exists? The time to say goodbye is when the person is still alive.
You'll just have to ride this out, OP, and develop a thicker skin.

Good points.