We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

Your child carrying your coffin and speaking of you in your funeral is literally the last and one of the most meaningful things they could do for you. There's huge importance placed on this. For a fucking reason.

Why do you think virtually all cultures across the world and through time have placed importance on funerary rites?

My dad died a couple of years ago, he was the same. Funerals are, in my opinion, a bit of a rip off. We had a private cremation and close family gathered to plant a tree. It was what both he and my mum wanted and had made their feelings known years ago. We all agreed with it. Which, like in your case, is the point. It's what the grieving family want.

100% - doing everything you can for the living should include being there for the wider and far away living family members who got together to grieve and need support.

It feels like OP is punishing the SIL and others for living far away. Does OP’s belief system include that you can never move an awkward distance from a parent?

I also wonder how she would feel if one of her own children was being so visibly spiteful to the other in the (literal) wake of her own passing. Rather than supporting each other in grief just point blank refusing to be there or see each other at all. Very strange.

It also leads me to wonder how much her DH really agrees with this “belief system.” A system that only seems to exist to uphold OP’s sanctimonious right to do only exactly as much as she wants, for who she specifically chooses.

Funerals, particularly of an older person, can be a positive experience. It’s an opportunity for family and friends to get together, exchange memories and reconnect. There is no established religion that rejects the concept of a funeral so I’m not surprised people are confused and upset by your position.

The irony is that you'd said to your family that you weren't going because it was too painful and raw and that you felt you'd already said goodbye,they'd have probably been OK with it.

Instead you are probably just coming across as callous.

How old is your eldest? Usual school starting age?

Does your home contain books? A wide range? Do your kids read/do you read to them?

Do they regularly socialise with other kids and families?

That poster meant actually you not the collective you, your husband is a separate person he should speak to his family if they want to talk about.it.

Wow, your level of disrespect and rudeness is unbelievable! If my DB did not attend my dad's funeral because of some made up bat shit crazy belief system I would never speak to him again. Neither would anyone in my family, we're not a religious family but it's more about supporting love ones.

I very much worry about your children and how you are raising them.

Yes he will start reception next September. We have a huge amount of books we read to them all daily even the baby. They currently go to nursery.

I can see a lot of people don't get where you're coming from, but I do. This is your belief system, and so worthy of respect. From your own description, you didn't lack in respect to your FIL or MIL while he was alive, which is what really matters. How people mourn is their own business; it's the very last thing anyone should be judged on.

Yeah, funerals aside, this is all starting to sound a bit culty. Kids homeschooled according to their ‘belief system’.

I’m late to this, and have just skimmed it. Everyone’s entitled to to their own views on whether they want to attend a funeral or not. But, if I have followed this correctly, then a woman’s husband died, and her son wasn’t at the funeral.

Whichever way you cut it the rest of the family is going to see that as disrespectful. I don’t think it’s appropriate to double down on the ‘rights’ of what has happened, because it appears not to stand up to much scrutiny. It’s entirely fair that to take the view that you’d rather be there for the living, as it seems the son was for his father. But that isn’t really a belief system, just being a caring and supportive individual. The funeral was about the living though, and that included his mother and family. It just seems odd to take the stance that you’d rather do things for the living, but not be there for them at a time when they needed support.

I don't think the phrase "belief system" has ever got on my tits as much as it has in this thread.

I assume that family members are outraged with OP and her DH (although I suspect that it's OP driving this) because she says that they "only see funerals as for the person who passed" rather than for the living and they don't believe that she truly thinks this for one second.

I don't think she believes it either but it's a necessary prop for the "system"

In my opinion attending a funeral and taking on a share of the responsibility to a loved one whilst they're ill, are two different things. It doesn't have to be one or the other, you can do both. Yes, you took on a lot of responsibility whilst your FIL was alive and whilst he was unwell. However, you are more or less saying 'We did our share, we're now done'. That does come across as rather cold and clinical. Perhaps your husband's sister might have appreciated her brother's support on the day of the funeral? Perhaps your MIL would have appreciated both her children there to support her? I am assuming these beliefs are not just yours, and your husband fully supports it?? Your beliefs are your own, and you're entitled to them but unfortunately as you are finding out, most people will find them odd.

Totally agree. I also do not do funerals. If someone is important to me I see them and keep in touch in life, I will grieve in my own way, I don't need to do it publicly to make others feel better. I hate the performativness of it.
I also don't want a funeral, straight cremation, no announcements. I am grateful for my life, my family, my friends, the luck I have had, I laugh and love every day. When I am gone I'm gone although I would love to think I can come back and haunt everyone 😀 If my husband of 30 years dies before me, the last thing I am thinking about is organising a funeral and being strong for others!
A well loved neighbour died recently very sad circumstances, a huge turnout, my husband said it was very moving but it didn't make his wife or kids feel any better about it, it doesn't make their grief any less. It didn't translate to them all making the time to check in every week or offer practical help.
Personally I don't think having a great party/booze up is at all respectful but I absolutely know I am in the tiny minority.

You made it about you.
Saying that to your sil, you made it into a well we did this and we did that thing.

This doesn't make you sound as caring as you think overall and I can see why your pointed lack of appearance at the funeral made it worse.

Your mil is just being forgiving not actually accepting.
No I don't know her but she's torn because you do gallantly turned up for care and appointments.

Grow up.

We don’t home educate. The dc are too young for school currently they are at nursery and my eldest will start reception next September. We both work we aren’t in a position to home educate and it wouldnt be something I chose to do anyway I have nothing against it but I prefer the school approach.

Exactly this. I don’t think people are upset with OP about disrespecting the FIL but being absent for the MIL.

Well, thank goodness for that.

In that case, I think your decision not to go to the funeral was ill advised and selfish. You have every right to be as selfish as you want (and dress it up as a belief system), but there will be consequences. You are now dealing with said consequences.

I would never forgive a family member that did this. Never.

Well, the deceased stays equally dead no matter how many people attend?

If I was a member of your DHs family I'd wonder if this was coming from you. It's not really a 'we' decision. Those types of beliefs are often formed in the family you grow up with. In my family we show up and support each other through the grief at funerals. Was it you or DH that brought up the idea that you both are a collective who doesn't 'believe' in funerals? It such an out there view that it's unlikely to be completely mutual.

You may not “believe” in funerals or wakes but it is highly likely when your time comes that your children will choose to have some kind of formal memorial ceremony where those that love you can share together in their grief and celebrate your/DH’s life. I think it would be very odd to insist they can’t do that.

More, If one sibling desired and expected the support of the other in this truly personal upset that only those two, as the children who were raised by the deceased, could understand.. I hope you yourself would actively encourage they make the effort to be there for each other.

Why would you not want your DH to give comfort to your SIL?

My inlaws and my m had direct cremations, was saved from seeing several twat relatives on h's side.

This. You haven’t done anything wrong OP, you’re entitled to hold whatever beliefs you want - yes, even ones that go against social norms (which are an arbitrary set of rules anyway that are always evolving and should be challenged). Stick by your convictions. As others have said, though, other people are entitled to disagree and dislike your beliefs. That doesn’t mean you should acquiesce to them but be prepared for it.

Whilst I would have absolutely no issue with it. People grieve as they see fit and funerals are not a helpful part of that for the OP.