Feeling so sad about kids Christmas lists

[drivinmecrazy]

Normally our kids (not so much kids than young adults) would ask for the moon on a stick and we’d strive to produce that and a perfect Christmas.

this year, like many, has been tougher than most.

so I’ve given them a £200 budget, or there about.

they seem quite ok with that but I’m feeling really mean yet I don’t know why.

For context they are 20 & 24.

help me to feel better about this please.

we could indulge them more but luckily they’re not in need or want of big ticket items this year so it would seem a waste. If they were we’d obviously stretch for that.

one DD has her birthday just before Christmas so her birthday budget will remain unchanged obviously.

still can’t help but feeling a little bit miserly cos we could stretch things.

I guess I’m remembering their huge piles on Christmas Day when they were little but it’s so not the same 😞

I spend about that on my adult children. They provide a wish list but absolutely know they will only get some things off it.

I'm confused.
You're not doing the "whole present thing" but there's a budget of £200 each?

Cut yourself some slack. You know it's silly but your grieving the kids Christmas you had with the magic and excitement and a pile of presents was part of that. Now they are older you have to let that go. It's not really the presents your feel sad about it's the whole experience. Let yourself feel sad about it and then think about all the good things about this era of your life and make some new more appropriate traditions xxx

Can you explain why you feel sad? Your children are adults, they're getting generous gifts, you'll have a nice Christmas...is something else going on here?

Piles get smaller as presents get pricier as people age, you sound exactly like my mum who lamented our gifts on Christmas morning even as adults, even as we kept saying we don't need anything anyway you don't need to buy all this!

20 and 24 are grown up they will understand how far (or not) money stretches so they will understand. The big pile of presents and awe has passed as they aren't kids anymore.

It's natural to miss it, but please nake sure you don't lament too much on the day and repeat you wish they had more as my mum did that on repeat and it gets maddening having to placate and reassure when you just want to enjoy a bucks fizz and the pamper hamper you open as an adult 😆

A family member gives piles of presents. It’s got to the stage where it’s awkward and embarrassing because it’s so over the top and I struggle to reciprocate. I’ve learnt that it’s nothing to do with me and all about her. She gives to make herself look and feel better. A lot of things she buys are things she would like but no interest to me.

6 or 7 presents for £200 quid is enough.

Is this part of a bigger problem?

£200 is more than acceptable by my standards. Nothing to worry about Op

Exactly this! Do they still believe in Father Christmas too?

I get this feeling. We are a very small family…. Me and 2 kids (similar ages to yours) so the only gifts they get are from me. That combined with a difficult childhood (abusive ex) means I’m trying to give them childhood Christmases way past the point it’s feasible but I am desperate for them to have happy memories of Christmas. It’s difficult to give up that ideal of Christmas.

I am in the middle of a divorce, renting a tiny 2 bed where my DS has to share a bedroom with me, and have £100 at a push for Christmas presents for everyone this year. Total. That includes DD4 and DS9.

I’m sorry your Christmas isn’t as it usually is, neither is ours by a long shot, but think your adult children will cope just fine.

I’ve given mine a limit this year too - similar amount - £250. For context, they are 16 and 11.

The last few years there’s been no actual limit and I have spoilt them - for example last year was new iPhones as well as a large number of additional gifts - I do appreciate that’s not the norm for a lot of people but Im very lucky to earn enough for it to not impact on our standard of living and to not go into debt to provide.

But honestly, with hindsight, I think limiting it makes them consider more of what they actually want and I think it’s the way forward. In fact, I’d go so far as to say the level of spending I have done on them in the last few years has been a little bit silly. Did I want to make Christmas all about excess? No. What sort of a message was I teaching my children? So I had to change things.

In my defence, there was a time (2019 through to 2021) when I quite literally couldn’t afford to buy them ANY treats at all - not even a bit of chocolate with the food shop - I was in post divorce debt, completely on my arse and thankfully I had a very kind (and very wealthy) good friend donate their kids old toys and even iPads to me (their kids were getting new ones) so I could gift them to my children on those years when I could barely afford to feed them let alone buy gifts. For that I will be forever grateful and I now pay it forward by helping out any friends who are struggling too. And we have done a Christmas food shop for the food bank the last few years too - but mainly all the treats like boxes of chocolates and Christmas cakes because these are often not provided by the food bank.

For adult working children £200 is more than enough

Christ.
Since I left home at 18, any Christmas presents in my family have been a £5 Secret Santa.

This. It's a total non-issue. They have been old enough to understand the realities of life for a very long time. I'm sure they don't still believe in Father Christmas any more.

I still do my young adult kids a stocking with small gifts, but I choose carefully and give them makeup that I know they use, like a new mascara, eye palette, etc. Luckily they're not into Charlotte Tilbury or expensive brands. They get a chocolate orange and chocolate coins, shower gel, moisturiser, etc. Just things I know they use, so consumable items.

This is our normal budget per kid!!

I’m with you, I feel sad that my daughter won’t get a big sack full of presents this year. I’ve bought her tickets to a concert and a festival, along with accommodation, it’s expensive but looks crap 🤣

decided not to do the whole present thing,
You said they had a budget of £200.

It's more than I've ever spent on mine, and we've never been short of money!

Why not get some things for a local toy drive or food bank? Redirecting your present buying to others would be a brilliant, positive thing to do.

Well done for making this decision. A key point to remember here is that your DC have asked you not to get all the bits of tat.
You will find it hard to resist. You might need to set yourself a limit on the number of items as well.

"Kids" 😁
Sometimes I wonder how some people made it this far! 😊

A smaller pile of presents doesn’t mean you love them any less and they know that. You’ve nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing at all. Stop beating yourself up.

My budget is £150 per kid
and we are very very comfortable
you are being slightly batshit

They are adults. Let them go. Give them each the money for their own presents. Why would they want your tat? If you hold on to them too tightly, it will come back to haunt you in the future. They must develop their own space, time, and lives. This is all about you. Why not buy yourself treats instead to satisfy the dopamine rush you get when you have to buy something.

This is so wild to me. We were doing secret Santa in my family by that age as we were all working adults who could and would buy things we needed or wanted for ourselves (no shade to your kids, I’m just saying context). Christmas is much more fun without trying to top up gifts. Plus think of the environment!