I feel as though I may be heading for a breakdown and I am terrified - what can I do, who will take me seriously?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

I have a GP appointment at 3.30 with a new surgery and am desperately hoping my new GP will listen to me and take me seriously.

I feel as though I am heading for some kind of breakdown don't know what to do anymore.

I am 52 - I have always been prone to anxiety attacks, OCD and overthinking etc. This year I was diagnosed with ADHD, the inattentive type, I tend to internalise all of my anxieties and then blow when very stressed/anxious.

Life has had it's ups and downs as most people experience but was fairly good until around 8 years ago and things started to pile, one on top of the other. This is the issue, individually these things would be manageable but one after the other and I am struggling as it seems to go from one issue to another.

I have two dc. DS20 and DD17. Although DS is much better now when he went over to secondary school (2016-2021) he struggled very much to the point that he developed severe school anxiety/phobia. For years every morning became a nightmare, he would refuse to get out of bed, the school promised to help but failed to deliver just put pressure on me to get him in which is not easy with a 6 foot 2 heavily built teen refusing to leave his bed. Eventually I managed to get him some counselling outside of the school which helped DS very much. He is now a happy 20 year old with a good career ahead of him. He is happy but I am still left quite frazzled from it all.

During that time my MIL became very unwell and ended up in hospice care, she died a horribly painful death in 2020. Two years later my beloved dog developed cancer and had to be pts, if you are not a dog lover you won't understand this but it devastated me, he was my best friend and helped me get out of a bout of depression 10 years earlier. I still miss him terribly.

In 2018 my dear mum developed Alzheimer's. Over the years my father (who I have a prickly relationship with because he shows narcissistic traits) has placed more and more pressure on me to help them out. What started off as some extra help during the covid lockdowns has found me somehow helping out all the time. I have organised everything for them from arranging Attendance Allowance and council tax rebates to GP and hospital appointments (mum also has Osteoporosis, heart disease and breast cancer), arranging POA's, solicitor appointments, bank and finance meetings, arranging carers, housework, paperwork, paying the carers etc etc. Mum had a fall in the summer fracturing her neck, she stayed in hospital for over 3 weeks where they allowed her to become double incontinent by soiling the bed. So she now has to have 2 carers in 3 times a day, this is about 3 hours a day in total, the rest is down to us (dad, me and my sister). I have found the last 3 months since mum's hospital stay the worst of all these times, her dementia has become so much worse and my dad has become more reliant on me. He is very tight and resents spending £1000 per week on care despite having hundreds of thousands in the bank. He refuses to agree for mum to go into a home and basically says if I want that it's on my head. He doesn't appreciate the strain and pressure he puts on me. He would rather see me slowly ebbing away from stress than spend any more on help.

Over the last few weeks I have lost my temper with my dad a few times and have cried some home truths but all he does is tell my sister how awful I am and how bad I have made HIM feel. I genuinely can not get through to him. I know that I am doing that classic thing of setting myself alight to keep others warm but it has gone on for so long that I don't know how to break it without upsetting them and my father will blame me for the breakdown of the care.

I am also in full, horrible perimenopause and with all the fun which comes from that. I am also awaiting a hysterectomy for adenomyosis and surgery for endometriosis. I am terrified to go in for surgery.

I spend every day crying on/off, I am exhausted from the moment I wake until I go to bed, I sleep fitfully. I acknowledge that I am deeply depressed. There is hardly a day goes by where I don't feel proper physical nausea, a deep burning acid in my stomach, pain, bloating, diarrhoea and a very unpredictable gut. I don't even have the pleasure of being able to ease my stress with nice food because everything upsets me these days. I am sitting her typing this whilst feeling so nauseous and with gurgling guts.

Absolutely none of my normal and usual IBS meds or coping strategies are helping. I am having counselling but that is not helping either. No amount of health eating, waking my dog through the countryside every day or meditation is doing a jot of help.

I live with fear that I have something physically wrong with me, guilt that I can't help my parents anymore than I already am, resentment that my father seems to put on me more and more knowing how unwell I am feeling (my husband and sister tell me I look unwell) and absolute terror that I am soon to enter into a state where I may actually lose my mind.

I can't take HRT as it makes my endo worse and all the SSRI's I have tried make my gut symptoms worse but I need something to get me through this shit time in my life, I want to be numbed and dulled from the extreme emotions that I feel.

I know that my father and my sister feel I am overreacting but my sister only visits my parents once or twice a week and has no children and no responsibilities outside of her work and my father doesn't appreciate that I have my own life and issues that I need to deal with as well as trying to keep him and mum afloat.

I just can not and don't want do this anymore, how can I take back some control of my life and health without feeling more guilt? I can't think straight enough to take these decisions on board myself. All I long for is to run away right now.

I’m so sorry you are going through all that OP.
From an outside perspective the logical thing to do would be to step right back from
helping your parents. It’s not even like they appreciate what you are doing and they have plenty of money to pay for all the care they need.
In reality, I understand that it is very difficult to do that but they really don’t seem to care about the impact on you.
You need to focus on your own health and sanity because no one else will.
Do you think you would be able to do that?

Oh op I feel for you. You need relief from the main cause of the stress and that’s your parents. You know that by caring for them you’re making yourself ill, you’ve acknowledged it. No amount of meds is going to take away that awful overwhelm that you feel. You need to set boundaries with your Father no matter what he or your Sister thinks it is self preservation here. Can you think of ways in which you can step back?

I have written about my parents situation on the Elderly Parents section and it was suggested to me more than once but I genuinely don't know how I'd cope with the guilt. I think it would eat me away.

Please print this off and show your doctor or if that’s not possible show him / her this post as you probably have summed everything up. If you tried to articulate what you have written here verbally you will break down in tears.

I started a new job yesterday. It's only Mondays and Wednesdays as I'm easing in after being out of work for a year. I was supposed to be taking time out to feel better but ended up doing more and more for my parents.

My father hates the fact I'm working again and rang me this morning to ask when I'm coming round today and why didn't I ring him last night to find out how he's been FFS!

@Spiderplantseverywhere - I have read your threads about your parents before. Nothing will change until you pull back. You say the guilt would eat you up but the whole situation is eating you up currently.

If you are not strong enough to tell your Dad and sister to bugger off would your DH do it for you?

Decide what level of support and contact you can deal with and tell them both. And stick to it.

When your Dad calls you to berate you hang up. When he calls your sister to moan about you and she calls you hang up.

Your dad is a bully. You need to stand up to him.

Nothing you do will ever be enough or meet his approval, so what have you got to lose by prioritising your own wellbeing for a change?
You haven’t mentioned much about your DH. Is he supportive to you and what does he think about you struggling on in this way?

Genuine question OP, who will help your parents when you inevitably do break under the strain? Can you see that it would be better for them for you to step back now, while you still have a little bit of strength to help them make the transition, rather than waiting until it all hits crisis point and you're just suddenly unable to do anything to help them adjust?

You said you're having counselling, can I ask what the focus of that is? Your (misplaced) guilt is the obstacle here so that's what I would be using counselling for, helping to find a way through that guilt to allow you to step back without crucifying yourself.

I'm going to be blunt though, what you're currently doing isn't helping them, it's allowing them (your dad in particular) to delay facing up to reality and accepting that they need help the family isn't able or qualified to provide and that helps no one, it just drives people to breaking point. Honestly in your position I think the only way forward is a forced reset, you need to 'come down with something nasty', flu or covid or something which necessitates a good couple of weeks (at least) of being completely unable to help them in person. Use this time to put the necessary 'temporary' alternative care in place and then just refuse to go back to how things were, drag out your recovery and allow the new arrangements to become the norm.

Alongside managing your guilt I genuinely think this is your best way forward, and hopefully it will allow you to go back to being their daughter instead of their carer which would be better for everyone, even if your dad can't yet see it.

Great post

I know, I really need to find the strength of courage to pull back.

My DH will be seen as the bad guy if he gets involved which is why I've tried to keep him out of it.

I need to do this myself but I just wish it wasn't so heart wrenching. We all live in the same village so it's not as though I can get far from it all either. It's all a bloody mess.

I actually think the job will do you a huge favour in terms of stepping back and not being available for your Dad all the time. If your Mother has carers x3 a day what are you actually doing for them that cannot be outsourced?

My DH tells me every day that I do way too much for my parents, I know he is right if course but I genuinely feel torn. We are both in our early 50's and have been together since we were 16. Although he has always had a good relationship with my dad he secretly thinks he is an arse. DH has a good memory and often recalls many times in the past when my dad has been mean spirited or tight and money pinching etc.

The problem is that dh can be quite outspoken and I keep him out of things as I know if he says anything my dad will end up falling out with him and I really don't want that. I don't want DH to be the bad guy in all of this mess. At the end of the day he has supported me financially over the last year whilst I'm out of work helping my parents. Dad of course thinks this is a given and of course a husband should do this and financially support his wife, all whilst he has hundreds of thousands invested.

Your dad might actually respect him if he stands up to him on your behalf in the right way.

The first set of carers come for an hour each morning. The second lot come at 2pm to check mum's pull ups and change her if necessary (they are there for 20 mins), then again at 7.30pm to change mum and put her to bed (39-45 mins).

The rest of the time I come to sit with mum to give dad a break so he can go to appointments, go shopping (refuses to have a delivery), visit friends, go to the tip etc. I also change their bedsheets (dad would never do this and 'forget'), change their towels and tea towels (another thing which gets forgotten), paperwork, bills, make lunch, ordering of mum's many meds, hospital and doctors appointments, doing drawing and arts and crafts with mum. Taking her round the village in her wheelchair etc. Basically it's less personal care for mum now and more lightening the load for my dad so he can go out or potter in the garden (they have a large garden).

He could if course pay extra for the carers to come more or for a sit in service but he's paying £1000 per week for the carers and refuses to pay for anything else.

He won't. He will never see anyone else's pov and will play the victim. He does it all the time. Fell out with the neighbours but it's all their fault, it wasn't, my dad has no filter and very much upset the neighbour.

I've read your posts about your parents before. Your father is impossible and horribly ungrateful. Fuck him. If I were you I would put a letter through his door stating your opinion that your mother needs to go into a care home, because she will be much more comfortable there. Tell him you don't want to speak to him again until he sees sense. Tell him the same thing every time he rings ... and block him if necessary.

Basically it's less personal care for mum now and more lightening the load for my dad so he can go out or potter in the garden (they have a large garden).

When’s your time to just go out or potter?

From the outside it’s very difficult to understand why you are sacrificing your own time and wellbeing for your father’s when he is perfectly capable of paying for the help he needs and no-one needs to be sacrificing their time and wellbeing.

As you have acknowledged, the only person who can change things is you.

Stop worrying about you or your DH being seen as the bad guy. You know what your dad is like, you say he's fallen out with the whole neighbourhood, so why do you care what he says? He has the money to pay for more care/a sitter so you don't need to fulfil that role. As a previous poster said, your input is preventing him facing the reality of the amount of care needed.

If you don't step back, nothing will change.

It’s incredible how much shit treatment people put up with from their toxic families. We wouldn’t accept it from anyone else.
OP, you have a choice now whether to be a martyr and sacrifice yourself or take a stand and concentrate on yourself and your own health.

Oh bless you. I've been in a similar situation to you too and recognize the awful strain you are on. I also remember you from earlier posts.

Could you bring yourself tell your dad that the gp had said you need a week - or better, two weeks of bed rest - for your IBS? Would he accept/pay for additional carers to come in and sit with your mum and give him a break for that limited time to start with? Then he will be more likely to accept them when you have your hysterectomy too/endometriosis operation too. I found my parents wouldn't listen to me but if I said "The doctor says . . . " that carried more authority with them.

I do hope that your gp genuinely helps you today and recommends a break, but if he doesn't it would be a white lie to look after your health and entirely justified.

You do need to look after you, you know. It's brilliant that your son is doing so well now, and that you have been able to help your parents so much, but you can only keep on helping people if you are looking after yourself. You need a break. Dh can deliver the message 'from the doctor's if needs be, but take it from Mnet. It needs to be done.

Wishing you all the best. You sound like an amazing daughter and mum, and I'm sure your parents are very grateful even if they can't see it now . . .

I genuinely don't know what would happen if I do breakdown, that is one of the fears which keeps the anxiety going even stronger. I suppose my dad would have to pay for more care/sit in services or mum would have to go into a home.

I know that I do need to step back and thought that I was by going back to work but dad is hell bent on constantly ringing me and wanting to know why I haven't called etc. I think he would continue calling if I were laid in bed on a psych ward, he never acknowledges how I feel, tells me I have always been anxious and no one can help me.

Tbh, contrary to what I said in my op, my counsellor is really great and I suppose little by little it is helping me to offload and gain some clearer thinking. My counselling is offered at our local college, she is training and it is free but she is really lovely. She has extended my sessions by a further 8 weeks today so I am really grateful for that and hope it helps me.

I am not helping, I do acknowledge that. My dad is still quite deep in denial over my mum, every time she has a good day he somehow thinks she is getting 'better' even though she is now in the advanced stages of an awful brain wasting disease. I totally understand why he feels this way, mums life is over and so too is his but this is why I stepped in to help them so much, it was a way of trying to cushion the blow but I was naive, I had zero experience or knowledge of dementia, I really did not know how insidious it really is and how it tries to take everyone down with it (of course, if you allow it to).

I appreciate that it must look ridiculous to an outsider. Why on earth would a grown arsed woman sacrifice her sanity for her parents and in particular for one who doesn't seem to give a shit about her welfare. I simply can not answer that other than to say that it probably stems from my childhood.

I have been looking back a lot over the last few months and as someone who has never had a lot of confidence in herself or her abilities I suppose those seeds must have been planted way before adulthood. It makes little sense to a stranger online looking at this in black and white but my life is obviously more complicated than it seems. I really wish I could put my foot down and lay out what I want and what I don't from this scenario and believe me I am angry with me for putting myself through this but it didn't happen overnight it has been a drip, drip, drip thing over quite a few years and before I know it here I am in deep water without realising quite how I got here.

Time to put yourself first. Your dad is using emotional blackmail and this must not be tolerated a moment longer. Tell him and social services that you are too sick to help and will no longer be available.

Get something to help you sleep, you are in crisis. Don't worry about hysterectomy. I've had it and really isn't that bad; you'll feel much better.

Your mum needs to be in a home for both your welfare and hers. That would be my first priority. I think the PPs suggestion of being ill for two weeks is a good one. You're too ill to help out, they
need to make their own arrangements. If your father calls either don't answer or get your DH to answer and say you're too ill to speak. I think your father needs shocking into doing the right thing by your mum.

Thank you, dementia care is such hard work isn't it. I see from the FB groups I am on that it really does destroy so many.

My new GP was lovely, she has prescribed some antidepressants, I know they can't change my situation but I am hoping they will help numb my feelings a bit to enable me to be a bit stronger towards my dad. I will say that she has suggested a complete break/rest from everything and also suggest dad pays for one of the carers to come in a bit more (I suspect he will not agree to this though as it's more money to pay out).

I am not sure about my dad but I absolutely know that my dear mum would be grateful for all I have done. If this was the other way around and dad had the dementia life would have been so much easier as she would have taken onboard everything we suggest and not put up barriers and battles the whole way as dad has.