I feel as though I may be heading for a breakdown and I am terrified - what can I do, who will take me seriously?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

I have a GP appointment at 3.30 with a new surgery and am desperately hoping my new GP will listen to me and take me seriously.

I feel as though I am heading for some kind of breakdown don't know what to do anymore.

I am 52 - I have always been prone to anxiety attacks, OCD and overthinking etc. This year I was diagnosed with ADHD, the inattentive type, I tend to internalise all of my anxieties and then blow when very stressed/anxious.

Life has had it's ups and downs as most people experience but was fairly good until around 8 years ago and things started to pile, one on top of the other. This is the issue, individually these things would be manageable but one after the other and I am struggling as it seems to go from one issue to another.

I have two dc. DS20 and DD17. Although DS is much better now when he went over to secondary school (2016-2021) he struggled very much to the point that he developed severe school anxiety/phobia. For years every morning became a nightmare, he would refuse to get out of bed, the school promised to help but failed to deliver just put pressure on me to get him in which is not easy with a 6 foot 2 heavily built teen refusing to leave his bed. Eventually I managed to get him some counselling outside of the school which helped DS very much. He is now a happy 20 year old with a good career ahead of him. He is happy but I am still left quite frazzled from it all.

During that time my MIL became very unwell and ended up in hospice care, she died a horribly painful death in 2020. Two years later my beloved dog developed cancer and had to be pts, if you are not a dog lover you won't understand this but it devastated me, he was my best friend and helped me get out of a bout of depression 10 years earlier. I still miss him terribly.

In 2018 my dear mum developed Alzheimer's. Over the years my father (who I have a prickly relationship with because he shows narcissistic traits) has placed more and more pressure on me to help them out. What started off as some extra help during the covid lockdowns has found me somehow helping out all the time. I have organised everything for them from arranging Attendance Allowance and council tax rebates to GP and hospital appointments (mum also has Osteoporosis, heart disease and breast cancer), arranging POA's, solicitor appointments, bank and finance meetings, arranging carers, housework, paperwork, paying the carers etc etc. Mum had a fall in the summer fracturing her neck, she stayed in hospital for over 3 weeks where they allowed her to become double incontinent by soiling the bed. So she now has to have 2 carers in 3 times a day, this is about 3 hours a day in total, the rest is down to us (dad, me and my sister). I have found the last 3 months since mum's hospital stay the worst of all these times, her dementia has become so much worse and my dad has become more reliant on me. He is very tight and resents spending £1000 per week on care despite having hundreds of thousands in the bank. He refuses to agree for mum to go into a home and basically says if I want that it's on my head. He doesn't appreciate the strain and pressure he puts on me. He would rather see me slowly ebbing away from stress than spend any more on help.

Over the last few weeks I have lost my temper with my dad a few times and have cried some home truths but all he does is tell my sister how awful I am and how bad I have made HIM feel. I genuinely can not get through to him. I know that I am doing that classic thing of setting myself alight to keep others warm but it has gone on for so long that I don't know how to break it without upsetting them and my father will blame me for the breakdown of the care.

I am also in full, horrible perimenopause and with all the fun which comes from that. I am also awaiting a hysterectomy for adenomyosis and surgery for endometriosis. I am terrified to go in for surgery.

I spend every day crying on/off, I am exhausted from the moment I wake until I go to bed, I sleep fitfully. I acknowledge that I am deeply depressed. There is hardly a day goes by where I don't feel proper physical nausea, a deep burning acid in my stomach, pain, bloating, diarrhoea and a very unpredictable gut. I don't even have the pleasure of being able to ease my stress with nice food because everything upsets me these days. I am sitting her typing this whilst feeling so nauseous and with gurgling guts.

Absolutely none of my normal and usual IBS meds or coping strategies are helping. I am having counselling but that is not helping either. No amount of health eating, waking my dog through the countryside every day or meditation is doing a jot of help.

I live with fear that I have something physically wrong with me, guilt that I can't help my parents anymore than I already am, resentment that my father seems to put on me more and more knowing how unwell I am feeling (my husband and sister tell me I look unwell) and absolute terror that I am soon to enter into a state where I may actually lose my mind.

I can't take HRT as it makes my endo worse and all the SSRI's I have tried make my gut symptoms worse but I need something to get me through this shit time in my life, I want to be numbed and dulled from the extreme emotions that I feel.

I know that my father and my sister feel I am overreacting but my sister only visits my parents once or twice a week and has no children and no responsibilities outside of her work and my father doesn't appreciate that I have my own life and issues that I need to deal with as well as trying to keep him and mum afloat.

I just can not and don't want do this anymore, how can I take back some control of my life and health without feeling more guilt? I can't think straight enough to take these decisions on board myself. All I long for is to run away right now.

I don’t have practical advice that hasn’t already been given, but I felt vicariously stressed out reading your post. This is more than one person can handle.

I am sorry this is happening to you and I hope that you can find mental peace. I think you know what you need to do
about your dad. Care of your mum is not your problem. That sounds harsh and I know it feels like it is your job - but it’s not and shouldn’t be turned into that.

If they have hundreds of thousands they have choices most don’t. Choosing to place the burden on you is also a choice. ‘On your head’ is both emotionally manipulative and inaccurate. You alone cannot be all things to all men and your first responsibility is and must always be to yourself and the family you brought into the world. If you’re alright, they’ll be alright. Your dad is doing you massive damage. Arrest that and all else will follow.
I also wouldn’t be too arsed about being seen as the bad guy if I was in your DH’s shoes. Sometimes someone needs to lay down the law to men like your father. Ask me how I know 😬

Bless you OP, it’s so tough. The good news is that both your dad and your sister are obviously now totally aware that you are at the end of your tether. Did you say any of what you said in your last post to your sister, I wonder?

I do think you should reframe your DH’s role in this. As pp said, his primary job is to protect his wife and the mother of his children. His relationship with your parents is really not so important in the big picture. Let him step in, let him protect you and be a buffer between you and your dad and sister for a few days whilst you rest and take care of yourself.

Tbh, I have been mulling this over today.

She always seems to revel in relaying back conversations she and dad have had about me yet I never do this to her because frankly I can't be bothered with the drama and dad also says very little about her (other than all her step children are all deadbeats in his opinion) but I never repeat anything back to her.

Dh has always said she does this on purpose not only to wind me up but also to drive a wedge further between by father and I. She denies she is his favourite child but I wonder if secretly she thrives on that knowledge.

When I had my assessment back in March my assessor had taken down my medical history. When she confirmed the ADHD diagnosis she advised me against the medication as she says it has a high chance of exacerbating my gut issues. That put me off so I have remained unmedicated.

I have been through years of CBT but sadly it has never really helped me much.

Thank you for acknowledging that, it really means a lot to me.

I suppose I run myself ragged for my mum, more than anyone else I suppose, she was such a wonderful mother and I know if this was reversed and dad was the one suffering from dementia I would not be in this position, mum would have taken on board all suggestions and would have made sure everyone's lives were made as easy and stress free as possible given the circumstances but dad is the most stubborn, obtuse and awkward arse going and seems to be going with this mindset that if his ship is sinking then he'll take whoever he can down with him.

It still doesn't stop me from feeling so bad. It must stem from childhood and it's the child in me who is feeling bad? I honestly don't know why it affects me so much when others seem to be able to say no and set boundaries so easily.

I would seek further clarification on this as there are multiple different medications available and it does sound like you need the medication - sometimes benefits outweighs the risks with medication but have that chat with your GP

Your sister is a perfectly capable adult who can do her part, tell her to pull her finger out or get serious about putting your mother in a home. If you breakdown what happens to your family then? you wont be able to help anyone at all, I'm sure they'll find a way to cope whilst you suffer.

My GP won't prescribe as I went via ADHD360 and I can not afford the medication privately.

Well I'll find out soon as I've told my sister and father that my GP has recommended complete rest and as a result I will not go round for the next week (at least).

I will see how it pans out.

Well done OP. Stay firm.

Well done @Spiderplantseverywhere. You need, and deserve, some time for yourself 💐

Listen to your body, it is screaming for help.

You know you need to pull back but are paralysed by worry so you need to formulate a plan for how to do this.
A small change won’t help, it needs to be a big change to give you a large chunk of you back. I would divide what you do for your Mum into two lists, admin and practicalities like hospital appointments and spending time with her. If your sister will not agree to take some of these on then stick to doing prescriptions but make use of any services you can put in place like pharmacy delivery etc. For hospital appointments find out about any available help in your area.
For spending time with your Mum cut to two visits a week, maybe Thursday and Sunday. Limit the time, do what will be best and most enjoyable for you and your Mum rather than what will free your father. Maybe one of your children could visit.
Tell parents and sister what you are going to do. Prepare some phrases that you can use on repeat when your father or sister try to guilt trip you.
Spend time doing whatever it takes to make you feel better and be healthier going into surgery.

You definitely need to pull back and draw strict boundaries with your Dad. Block calls or silence them for period of time if needed, it won’t be easy and you’ll feel guilty, but I think it’s vital for your wellbeing. My narcissistic mum drove me to the brink of a breakdown like you years ago, slightly different as she kept offloading my (adult) sisters addiction issues onto me, expecting me to somehow fix it but still managing to make it all about herself. I was juggling my own young family and also underwent a hysterectomy for Adenomyosis during this time. One day I just cracked and spent all day sobbing, I’m now completely no contact with my family which has been the best thing I’ve ever done, but low contact and strong boundaries sometimes work too, it’s a personal choice. I didn’t have a good relationship with my DM anyway as she was very violent when I was little. But ultimately, your own health is important, and it sounds like you’ve had a lot on your plate. Ignore the guilt you may feel by knowing you need time for your own health. Since my hysterectomy 14 years ago I’ve been so much better, but you do need to look after yourself whilst recovering

Well, since you are “only popping in for 20 minutes a week” (wtf) they should be absolutely fine without you shouldn’t they?

Honestly turn your phone off or get your DH to screen your calls (even just to say you are too ill to talk to either of them). Otherwise you’ll be dragged back in as soon as your dad wants something doing.

I agree with this. I would add, OP, that you've said that your mum was a wonderful mum and what you have to remember is that she would be absolutely horrified to think of you being driven to this state of mind.

My daughter is still very small but I can assure you that I would go into a home like a shot rather than think of her driven to the end of her tether like this.

OP I’m so glad that you’ve pulled back for the rest of this week. Hopefully this will give you a bit of breathing space.

You remind me a bit of my mum who went ridiculously over and above for her own mum, basically because she had been trained to feel guilty all her life when she didn’t do what was expected or ‘required’. She felt completely trapped as you do. She never broke the cycle and it damaged some of her relationships as a result. Don’t go down this road. Deep down you are doing what you do because you’re hoping that for the first time ever you will get a ‘thank you’ or a ‘well done’ which honestly will never come. You also feel like the worst thing in the world would be to disappoint your dad or not live up to his expectations. Your dad’s opinion seems to be so incredibly important to you, to the extent that you don’t even want him to think badly of your DH. You need to reflect on why this is so. From an outsider’s point of view, your dad’s opinion doesn’t seem worth tuppence since he’s unappreciative, self-centred and rude. If I were you I’d be starting to try to distance myself from his opinion and be telling myself on a loop that his opinion is of low importance. When you do this your guilt levels are likely to slowly drop.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed like this and not sure which way is up, I start writing it all down. It really helps and I would recommend it. Start by writing down all your random feelings and thoughts. Then write about what you would like life to look like. Then write a plan of how to get there. Then share this with your DH. Having a DH like yours is going to be a huge asset because he’s on your side and doesn’t seem to mind speaking his mind if needed. I would absolutely ask him if you can tackle this as a team and I’m sure he will have your back all the way. When your dad kicks off (which he will) just tell him you’ve decided what you can reasonably give timewise and it is x. Tell him you will call him on any day when he won’t be seeing you but it will be once a day only and won’t be answering your phone every five minutes so if it is urgent ( ie DM has a fall or something) he needs to call your DH. He will try it on but you just need to ignore all the calls - you’ve told him what to do if it’s urgent and you need to train him to behave in line with that. You don’t have to explain yourself or justify yourself to him, just say you’ve decided what is reasonable and your priority has to be your DH and DC.

I’m going to be honest he may kick up a huge stink to start with, but when the dust settles there’s a chance he will respect you more for sticking up for yourself. Anyway it doesn’t matter does it? Because as I said before, his good opinion is not the be all and end all and to be honest doesn’t seem worth much anyway.

Keep going OP - grit your teeth and go after a better life.

It always bemuses me when people say "just step back" or "stop supporting your parents". I think it shows a complete lack of experience in dealing with elderly parents, who have become reliant on their children. Some old people are literally like toddlers in an adult body. You would never say to a Mum "just let your toddler sort themselves out, step back!"

I don't have any magic answers Op, but we are in the same position with our Dad. He can't do much for himself at all, no longer really understands how the world works, is forgetful, has no hygiene, need carers, and relies on me and my sister for everything the carers can't do (Asda shop, making Dr appointments, paying bills etc). He also sabotages a lot of what we arrange, making things even harder. He wasn't the best Dad, which rankles even more.

Our Dad is like a giant toddler. If we left him be, with no carers and no support he would simply just die...he would either starve to death or fall over and no one would come to the rescue. And that would be tantamount to murder really. I mean, would anyone really do that? The responsibility levels are insane. So to anyone saying "just go NC or step back" please think about what YOU would do, because I'd bet you wouldn't just sit back and watch a parent slowly die.

Have you read the whole thread to see how toxic the family dynamic is and how the father and sister are quite happy to see the OP destroy herself and give nothing but criticism?

I may have replied to your previous posts OP.

First thing I would say is I don’t think your Mum would want this situation to break you. I would honestly pretend that you have flu to have a circuit break. You can either turn your phone off (your DH presumably would be called if there was a real emergency) or screen calls if it’s a house phone. If you had flu you wouldn’t be able to get out of bed so act like you do. I appreciate the new job might complicate this plan.

Also is there anything from your childhood that might have convinced you it’s your job to look after everyone - were you close to your Mum and that is what she did? Especially if your Dad was difficult did your Mum manage that and you took on that model of behaviour when you were very young? I am exploring similar things in therapy having also stopped work and been sucked into more and more elder care.

I feel for you so much, it’s such an awful situation and obstreperous parents make a whole other level of stress on top of the caring.

Just seen this update - well done OP

Hi op, I'm late diagnosed with ADHD and I recognise that feeling you describe of being about to have a breakdown, it's horrible isn't it x (it's actually why I was diagnosed, the counsellor I saw said she didn't think CBT would work as the main issue was probably undiagnosed ADHD, she suggested I get tested before we had any further sessions).

Given everything you have going on (which would have floored me years ago) and that the Dr won't prescribe ADHD meds (I assume stimulants?) due to your IBS, wellbutrin might be an alternative. It's an anti depressant which also has some evidence of improving ADHD symptoms as well.

Good luck with everything. I hope you're able to take back some control from your dad and sister.

Oh goodness. You poor thing. I could feel your anxiety as you wrote it.

There has been a lot of great advice on here. Please don't go back on what you have said.

Maybe you and your husband could write a list of jobs that you could hand over to your sister eg changing towels and sheets.

Ordering medication....is it in dosette box? If it is that can be reordered directly by the chemist. My dad has one and the pharmacy just contact the surgery when the boxes are due to run out and they appear.

Make sure direct debits are set up as much as possible.

There's a great book called "the selfish pigs guide to caring". I read it when my husband was unwell with a brain tumour and it made a lot of sense. It was written a man who's wife had dementia and dealt with guilt.
I lent it to a patient who never gave it back so I hope it helped her.

https://amzn.eu/d/iBqDG9J

Wishing you strength. It's really hard.

This isn't true. You would speak to social services and advocate forcefully for him to have live in care funded by them or be admitted to a home. You would still continue to see him and to advocate for him and you would be a part of all decisions made about his care. It's fine for you to care for him yourself if that's what you want, but there is no reason why he would die if you didn't.

Every case is individual and just because people are blood related, doesn’t mean they have the right to drive someone to the edge of a nervous breakdown through cruel behaviour. Even the OP’s GP has recommended stepping back for her own health. No one is suggesting the OP goes low/no contact just because her parents are a bit old and needy. It’s the abuse the OP has had, her mental health isn’t good as well as facing other significant medical issues. Her family have no concern or thought for her serious health issues.

And some people like myself have stepped back, I won’t ever see my lot again and won’t be going to any funerals and I will feel no guilt at whatever the outcome. it wasn’t an easy decision at the time, but I was left with no choice so it does sometime happen and I don’t think I’m a murderer just because I won’t be there to care for my parents . As I said, in my case my DM was very violent to me as a child, she terrorised me. As an adult, she then used me as someone to purely offload her every emotional and physical need onto, until she finally nearly broke me and I said no more. Sometimes stepping back/setting boundaries or even completely walking away is sadly the only option and it’s wrong to put guilt onto people if they’ve had to make that difficult decision.

OP, it’s really admirable that you don’t want to let your DH be the bad guy here and usually I’d cheer you on with (your parents, you deal with it!).

BUT! In this case, your DH has a huge advantage that you don’t have. He doesn’t care if he’s the bad guy. He won’t tie himself in knots because your dad doesn’t think he’s a good boy. He doesn’t give a shiny shit if your sister thinks he’s not pulling his weight. You, of course, care terribly because this is your family and you’ve been in this since you were born. Getting out that headspace will be so hard. But your DH was never in it! It’s not complicated for him - your dad is only his FIL and he’s always thought he was a bit of an arse. He doesn’t have those memories of your mum being such a wonderful mum so he can clearly see you ARE doing your best for her, you are being the daughter she loved and was proud of, and you will be if you pop in once or twice a week to the lovely safe home she moves to when her dementia and other issues are just too much for her family carers.

If you want to do something after your complete rest, I’d tell your dad you’re “cutting back to just popping in for 20 minutes”. That’s all he apparently thinks you do anyway, so stick to that. “Oh no, dad, I can’t possibly do xyz, but I’ll pop round for 20 minutes on Friday as usual”.