I feel as though I may be heading for a breakdown and I am terrified - what can I do, who will take me seriously?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

I have a GP appointment at 3.30 with a new surgery and am desperately hoping my new GP will listen to me and take me seriously.

I feel as though I am heading for some kind of breakdown don't know what to do anymore.

I am 52 - I have always been prone to anxiety attacks, OCD and overthinking etc. This year I was diagnosed with ADHD, the inattentive type, I tend to internalise all of my anxieties and then blow when very stressed/anxious.

Life has had it's ups and downs as most people experience but was fairly good until around 8 years ago and things started to pile, one on top of the other. This is the issue, individually these things would be manageable but one after the other and I am struggling as it seems to go from one issue to another.

I have two dc. DS20 and DD17. Although DS is much better now when he went over to secondary school (2016-2021) he struggled very much to the point that he developed severe school anxiety/phobia. For years every morning became a nightmare, he would refuse to get out of bed, the school promised to help but failed to deliver just put pressure on me to get him in which is not easy with a 6 foot 2 heavily built teen refusing to leave his bed. Eventually I managed to get him some counselling outside of the school which helped DS very much. He is now a happy 20 year old with a good career ahead of him. He is happy but I am still left quite frazzled from it all.

During that time my MIL became very unwell and ended up in hospice care, she died a horribly painful death in 2020. Two years later my beloved dog developed cancer and had to be pts, if you are not a dog lover you won't understand this but it devastated me, he was my best friend and helped me get out of a bout of depression 10 years earlier. I still miss him terribly.

In 2018 my dear mum developed Alzheimer's. Over the years my father (who I have a prickly relationship with because he shows narcissistic traits) has placed more and more pressure on me to help them out. What started off as some extra help during the covid lockdowns has found me somehow helping out all the time. I have organised everything for them from arranging Attendance Allowance and council tax rebates to GP and hospital appointments (mum also has Osteoporosis, heart disease and breast cancer), arranging POA's, solicitor appointments, bank and finance meetings, arranging carers, housework, paperwork, paying the carers etc etc. Mum had a fall in the summer fracturing her neck, she stayed in hospital for over 3 weeks where they allowed her to become double incontinent by soiling the bed. So she now has to have 2 carers in 3 times a day, this is about 3 hours a day in total, the rest is down to us (dad, me and my sister). I have found the last 3 months since mum's hospital stay the worst of all these times, her dementia has become so much worse and my dad has become more reliant on me. He is very tight and resents spending £1000 per week on care despite having hundreds of thousands in the bank. He refuses to agree for mum to go into a home and basically says if I want that it's on my head. He doesn't appreciate the strain and pressure he puts on me. He would rather see me slowly ebbing away from stress than spend any more on help.

Over the last few weeks I have lost my temper with my dad a few times and have cried some home truths but all he does is tell my sister how awful I am and how bad I have made HIM feel. I genuinely can not get through to him. I know that I am doing that classic thing of setting myself alight to keep others warm but it has gone on for so long that I don't know how to break it without upsetting them and my father will blame me for the breakdown of the care.

I am also in full, horrible perimenopause and with all the fun which comes from that. I am also awaiting a hysterectomy for adenomyosis and surgery for endometriosis. I am terrified to go in for surgery.

I spend every day crying on/off, I am exhausted from the moment I wake until I go to bed, I sleep fitfully. I acknowledge that I am deeply depressed. There is hardly a day goes by where I don't feel proper physical nausea, a deep burning acid in my stomach, pain, bloating, diarrhoea and a very unpredictable gut. I don't even have the pleasure of being able to ease my stress with nice food because everything upsets me these days. I am sitting her typing this whilst feeling so nauseous and with gurgling guts.

Absolutely none of my normal and usual IBS meds or coping strategies are helping. I am having counselling but that is not helping either. No amount of health eating, waking my dog through the countryside every day or meditation is doing a jot of help.

I live with fear that I have something physically wrong with me, guilt that I can't help my parents anymore than I already am, resentment that my father seems to put on me more and more knowing how unwell I am feeling (my husband and sister tell me I look unwell) and absolute terror that I am soon to enter into a state where I may actually lose my mind.

I can't take HRT as it makes my endo worse and all the SSRI's I have tried make my gut symptoms worse but I need something to get me through this shit time in my life, I want to be numbed and dulled from the extreme emotions that I feel.

I know that my father and my sister feel I am overreacting but my sister only visits my parents once or twice a week and has no children and no responsibilities outside of her work and my father doesn't appreciate that I have my own life and issues that I need to deal with as well as trying to keep him and mum afloat.

I just can not and don't want do this anymore, how can I take back some control of my life and health without feeling more guilt? I can't think straight enough to take these decisions on board myself. All I long for is to run away right now.

Just s thought for your appointment.

How about you c and p your first post into CHATGPT and ask it to summarise key areas in bullet points?

(HCPs LOVE bullet points)

Hard as it may to hear but the solution is within your own gift - you must step back from your caring responsibilities. As an unpaid carer for my DH for a number of years and now my parents I know how tough it is BUT : if you don’t step back and slow down who is going to be there to help when you do fall over and end up in a heap on the floor ? That is the certainty from what you describe and from your previous posts. Your GP can be sympathetic but can’t wave a magic wand and make all of this better, you have to take steps as well.

Please prioritise yourself , step back and give yourself some time and space. Be kind to yourself , I understand the guilt angle but clearly your DSis doesn’t feel it so why should you ? You will be of no use to anyone when the inevitable burnout hits you if you carry on as you are. Anyway it will be good to get alternates in place for when you have your surgery as you won’t be at their beck and call post that for a good while.

You DF will be angry / upset / annoyed but that’s ok - you shouldn’t be in the state of burnout you are in to protect his feelings and thoughts. You and your feelings are just as valid and are your priority. It’s amazing how elderly parents can adapt once firm boundaries are implemented and you stick to them. Me and my siblings had a similar scenario with our DPs but fortunately we are of one mind in managing them and refused to get sucked in to basically being their 24 x 7 helpline / crisis managers / carers when they were capable of doing some things for themselves / have online deliveries / pay for some social care. It’s tough to stick to these boundaries and were are tested regularly but for our own well being we stick to them .

Please step back and give yourself some self care - you have been organising everyone else for too long.

The suggestion to “come down with Covid” is a good one. You can be too ill to talk to him for a day or too (DH can answer for you), and then you’ll have to isolate for at least ten days. You wouldn’t want to put your mum back in hospital, after all.

Unless someone literally has a gun to your head, you have choices. So your DH stands up to him if you can't and ends up the "bad guy", would he even be bothered by that? The world would not end, your DH doesn't even like him.

Your father is getting a fair amount of care in and needs to put more reliance on that rather than on you, including paying for extra so he can get a bit of life for himself. They have the money (unlike many), he is choosing not to spend it and you are choosing to let him harry and rely on you to the point where you can't cope.

It isn't easy but it is possible to put boundaries in place and put the breaks on this, before it gets worse.

Than you, I wish I could stop worrying about the hysterectomy but it is just another stress on top of all the plates I have spinning in the air atm.

I have told SS and they came round a few weeks ago but aren't interested because my parents have savings and there are carers going in 3 times a day.

My contribution to this thread is going to be short. I went through hell with my mother. 2 things people said to me stayed with me.

GP “you need to step back and look after yourself or you children won’t thank you”

Counsellor “ Is it your guilt to feel”

Thank you, I know that I really do need to keep pushing at setting these boundaries and thought I was doing well after my last post but my sister keeps pulling back and I end up picking up the slack again because my dad will keep ringing me and putting pressure on me.

Two weeks ago when I was feeling particularly poorly I lost my temper at him due to his attitude towards me and he turned it back against me telling my sister that I hurt his feelings. I had literally spilled my soul out to him. I had arranged for some extra help which he turned down (having previously agreed to it) and he started having a go at me so I blew. I told him how unwell I am feeling and that I just can not cope anymore (he knows fully well that I have been struggling) and yet has completely blanked/forgotten everything I said and is simply saying I have upset him.

I have no idea why I have such guilt over this when he obviously does not give a damn that his daughter is fading away from a whole host of issues. He has never once offered to help me, not once. Tells me that's my DH's responsibility.

I recognised you straight away, you have my utmost sympathy.

Stop doing housework, stop doing anything that benefits your DF. Maintain relationship with DM.

You say that you don’t want your DH to engage, let him, so what if he falls out with your Dad? some home truths might sink in. Your Dad might listen to him? (My Dad won’t listen or take advice from me). too late to be walking on eggshells, you are a grown up, he is in mode of treating you like a child.

You have more power than you think here, throw yourself into new role, keep reminding your Dad that you have a job and family, your role is not his carer. Tell him to keep on top of housework or get a cleaner or face the consequences is SS see issues.

Thank you. I am sorry you have been through a similar scenario. How did you break the guilt eventually, how did you find the strength to say no more often? This is the issue I am really struggling with. I know the guilt it my own, my father obviously doesn't feel it, my sister doesn't seem to feel it despite my parents doing way more to help her over the years than they have me yet her I am feeling completely wracked with guilt for some reason.

Exactly what I was going to say OP.
Nobody could cope with all of this unscathed. You are a heroine!

I think it got so bad I was at the stage where I felt I was going under. I remember hoovering on the landing and sobbing with DH trying to persuade me to put the hoover down and I just kept saying I couldn’t as had to do the hoovering.

I realised just after this that the the GP was right and the whole situation wasn’t fair to my children and actually they had to be my priority and as a mother I would never want my children to go what I was going through.

Mum had dementia and thought I was evil and trying to poison her. My brother was involved but overseas and hadn’t seen her for years and thought he knew best, social services were involved as he accused me of financially abusing Mum which obviously I wasn’t and social services were quickly satisfied I wasn’t.

At that point I had counselling. I sat there and all I kept saying was “I feel guilty that…” which is when she asked me if it was my guilt to feel and I realised I was paying for other people’s mistakes and attitudes, it absolutely wasn’t my fault and I had nothing to feel guilty about. In fact really it was the opposite.

I then decided to step back and let my brother deal with the situation so I said I was ill and under doctors orders to step. Every request I answered that unfortunately I can’t as am unwell, doctors orders which did shut things down.

I was involved again later on my terms and have absolutely no regrets now she is no longer here. It is a shit situation you are in, it is time for self preservation, oxygen masks and all that.

I really want to keep DH out of it. I just hate that he will be seen as the bad guy if he says anything when he really isn't. We have been together since we were 16 and have never given my parents any kind grief over the years, at all.

My sister, on the other hand has been a royal pain in the arse over numerous issues and my parents have always bailed her out. She had an affair with a married man, he left his 3 kids and pregnant wife for dsis. Over the years he and my sister always appear to be the favourites despite my DH and I doing far more for my parents than my sister and her partner ever have. That really hurts.

Maybe it's why I do as much as I do, maybe it's to gain some sort of approval that for some reason I seem to never get.

Your first sentence has made me cry because that is exactly where I am right now.

Thank you for this. I am going to take a screenshot of the fourth sentence and repeat that over and over until it sticks.

I am sorry you went through this too, dementia really does suck.

Over the years he and my sister always appear to be the favourites despite my DH and I doing far more for my parents than my sister and her partner ever have.

I don’t think this is an uncommon dynamic. Often the less available offspring is regarded as having a higher value. Perhaps if you made yourself less available, you would find your father appreciates you more.

I honestly can’t see what you have to lose by taking a couple of weeks “off sick”. Just tell DS and parents that you are unwell and unable to visit or help. Then you can reassess in a few weeks. Perhaps that distance will make your choices clearer to you. Your mum has carers coming in, your dad will just have to manage without his time to himself which is not the end of the world.

It’s shit isn’t it and I am so sorry you are having to deal with it. You will come through this however much it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. It really is the time for self preservation at the moment. Please keep posting (if you feel it will help that is ).

“Doctor’s orders” said with a smile works well. Don’t get defensive or argue. Just give the aura of yes it sucks nothing I can do about it. Your Dad is putting money over your heath and well being basically and it is completely unacceptable.

Well OP, the good and bad news is that the only one who can realistically improve this is you. There is no cavalry coming. Your Mum isn’t going to improve and your Dad isn’t going to change.

That’s bad news, cos you’re going to have to do some things you will find difficult.

It’s also great news, because it means you can make changes TODAY.

I suggest you send your Dad a message saying you’re not well today and working tomorrow, but can sit with your Mum for a couple of hours on Thursday between 2-5pm or whatever. Then TURN YOUR PHONE OFF, or give it to your DH with strict instructions not to pass on anything other than actual hospital level medical emergencies.

Yes, your Dad will be pissed off and try and guilt you. Ditto your sister probably. But it doesn’t mean they get to succeed.

OP, this is ridiculous now ive read that you're facilitating your dad's 'pottering'. If he wants to do that he can bloody well pay for it.

And he refuses to get a delivery? Again, that's on him.

All of this, OP. It sounds as if your parents and their needs take up a huge amount of your emotional world. For example, when you ask who would take your breakdown seriously if you had one - well, I would just from reading about what you've said. But your parents (mainly your dad perhaps) are likely not to want to see it because it means unwelcome change for them. The fact that your parents don't want you to step back or purchase outside care for them doesn't mean that doing those things is objectively immoral or not in their best interests. I would really urge you to force a reset and make them sort out some care that is not dependent on you holding everything together.

Interesting that your dad isn't willing to financially support his own wife though.

Counselling and CBT are often not very helpful for people with Adhd. I've found EMDR to be completely transformative though if you can afford it.

What's worse though? - the guilt you are already beating yourself up with alongside absolutely draining yourself and your own family, or the guilt of stepping away which might give you a little bit of breathing room? Either way you're going to feel guilty. So you might as well feel guilty through doing something that protects you.

I imagine you've been conditioned all your life to be a "good girl" and now you're struggling to be a "good girl" it's destroying you. Because the expectations you have of yourself are completely and totally unrealistic. Nobody could cope with what you are being asked to cope with. I think you need to be more like your sister. It's not selfish, it's self protective. She's actually got the right idea.

I agree with this OP. I think it’s time to turn off your phone and for your husband to step in.

Reframe it in your mind…it’s not your husband now becoming the ‘bad guy’, it’s your husband stepping up to protect the health of the woman he’s loved since he was 16yrs old.

I really do wish you well, your anguish is palpable in your posts and you and your family do not deserve this. 💐

I get what you mean, but your parents will just have to pay up. I think you may need to lay it on thick as they seem to view you as a soft touch. Say you're to sick to leave the house and need help. You sound too sick to be doing all this anyway.

When you have the hysterectomy the worst aspect for most people is the trapped wind. Take a big packet of windese and start to suck on one as soon as you come round. It was uncomfortable but bearable. At least you'll be waited on hand and foot for a while. I had 3 lovely women in my bay and I actually enjoyed great conversation and a few laughs. Thinking is your worst enemy.

I have made the decision to step back for at least the rest of the week following on from a phone call from my sister last night.

Apparently, dad and she were 'discussing' me and dad says he just can not understand what is wrong with me and why I keep flying off the handle (he is fully aware of all of my current health issues). He said to my sister that I only 'pop' in for around 20 mins every time I visit so he can not see what the issue is.

I am so hurt. I 'pop' in around 5 days per week staying 2-3 (often longer) hours each time and that's not including the time at home making appointments, ringing round various people or visiting banks and the finance guy with my dad. How can he say these things? I am truly at a loss that he thinks so little of what I have done for him these last 6 years. It was I that pushed for mum's diagnosis in the first place, he kept insisting there was nothing wrong and telling me I was making an issue from nothing.

I understand people go in denial over big destructive life events but this is 7 going on 8 years later. I feel my dad needs to mature up and face the music and to not keep expecting his children to take the slack and mental anguish from it all.

I am so very upset and spent most of last night bawling my eyes out. What the fuck is it all for? I feel like a complete mug when all I have been trying to do is help those the closed to me when their lives are falling apart.

That’s definitely the right decision OP but are you sure you can trust your sister when she is relaying what your father has said.
Could she have an ulterior motive in stirring up trouble between you and your father?
Either way, you are doing the right thing to take a step back and protect your own health.

Haven’t rtft but are you medicated for your ADHD OP?. Menopause can exacerbate your condition and the medication would significantly help you manage day to day along with some cbt. The cbt may help you identify and put some boundaries in with your family. You’ve had a tough few years, I would ensure you are medicated for adhd rather than being given antidepressants etc as is often prescribed by the GP