I feel as though I may be heading for a breakdown and I am terrified - what can I do, who will take me seriously?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

I have a GP appointment at 3.30 with a new surgery and am desperately hoping my new GP will listen to me and take me seriously.

I feel as though I am heading for some kind of breakdown don't know what to do anymore.

I am 52 - I have always been prone to anxiety attacks, OCD and overthinking etc. This year I was diagnosed with ADHD, the inattentive type, I tend to internalise all of my anxieties and then blow when very stressed/anxious.

Life has had it's ups and downs as most people experience but was fairly good until around 8 years ago and things started to pile, one on top of the other. This is the issue, individually these things would be manageable but one after the other and I am struggling as it seems to go from one issue to another.

I have two dc. DS20 and DD17. Although DS is much better now when he went over to secondary school (2016-2021) he struggled very much to the point that he developed severe school anxiety/phobia. For years every morning became a nightmare, he would refuse to get out of bed, the school promised to help but failed to deliver just put pressure on me to get him in which is not easy with a 6 foot 2 heavily built teen refusing to leave his bed. Eventually I managed to get him some counselling outside of the school which helped DS very much. He is now a happy 20 year old with a good career ahead of him. He is happy but I am still left quite frazzled from it all.

During that time my MIL became very unwell and ended up in hospice care, she died a horribly painful death in 2020. Two years later my beloved dog developed cancer and had to be pts, if you are not a dog lover you won't understand this but it devastated me, he was my best friend and helped me get out of a bout of depression 10 years earlier. I still miss him terribly.

In 2018 my dear mum developed Alzheimer's. Over the years my father (who I have a prickly relationship with because he shows narcissistic traits) has placed more and more pressure on me to help them out. What started off as some extra help during the covid lockdowns has found me somehow helping out all the time. I have organised everything for them from arranging Attendance Allowance and council tax rebates to GP and hospital appointments (mum also has Osteoporosis, heart disease and breast cancer), arranging POA's, solicitor appointments, bank and finance meetings, arranging carers, housework, paperwork, paying the carers etc etc. Mum had a fall in the summer fracturing her neck, she stayed in hospital for over 3 weeks where they allowed her to become double incontinent by soiling the bed. So she now has to have 2 carers in 3 times a day, this is about 3 hours a day in total, the rest is down to us (dad, me and my sister). I have found the last 3 months since mum's hospital stay the worst of all these times, her dementia has become so much worse and my dad has become more reliant on me. He is very tight and resents spending £1000 per week on care despite having hundreds of thousands in the bank. He refuses to agree for mum to go into a home and basically says if I want that it's on my head. He doesn't appreciate the strain and pressure he puts on me. He would rather see me slowly ebbing away from stress than spend any more on help.

Over the last few weeks I have lost my temper with my dad a few times and have cried some home truths but all he does is tell my sister how awful I am and how bad I have made HIM feel. I genuinely can not get through to him. I know that I am doing that classic thing of setting myself alight to keep others warm but it has gone on for so long that I don't know how to break it without upsetting them and my father will blame me for the breakdown of the care.

I am also in full, horrible perimenopause and with all the fun which comes from that. I am also awaiting a hysterectomy for adenomyosis and surgery for endometriosis. I am terrified to go in for surgery.

I spend every day crying on/off, I am exhausted from the moment I wake until I go to bed, I sleep fitfully. I acknowledge that I am deeply depressed. There is hardly a day goes by where I don't feel proper physical nausea, a deep burning acid in my stomach, pain, bloating, diarrhoea and a very unpredictable gut. I don't even have the pleasure of being able to ease my stress with nice food because everything upsets me these days. I am sitting her typing this whilst feeling so nauseous and with gurgling guts.

Absolutely none of my normal and usual IBS meds or coping strategies are helping. I am having counselling but that is not helping either. No amount of health eating, waking my dog through the countryside every day or meditation is doing a jot of help.

I live with fear that I have something physically wrong with me, guilt that I can't help my parents anymore than I already am, resentment that my father seems to put on me more and more knowing how unwell I am feeling (my husband and sister tell me I look unwell) and absolute terror that I am soon to enter into a state where I may actually lose my mind.

I can't take HRT as it makes my endo worse and all the SSRI's I have tried make my gut symptoms worse but I need something to get me through this shit time in my life, I want to be numbed and dulled from the extreme emotions that I feel.

I know that my father and my sister feel I am overreacting but my sister only visits my parents once or twice a week and has no children and no responsibilities outside of her work and my father doesn't appreciate that I have my own life and issues that I need to deal with as well as trying to keep him and mum afloat.

I just can not and don't want do this anymore, how can I take back some control of my life and health without feeling more guilt? I can't think straight enough to take these decisions on board myself. All I long for is to run away right now.

Have your breakdown. Do it. Stop running on adrenaline and cortisol. Go to bed and cry. Stay in bed. Read books about Emotionally Immature Parents. Read Adelyn Birch on breaking free from FOG.

Well I suppose it’s a bit of a positive if he is admitting he may have to reconsider. I wonder if you stepping back with the things that you do to enable him to have a bit of time/freedom etc and him realising he can’t do them will make that reconsideration happen sooner.

Not sure what to suggest about the carers. Who employs them?

I really am just running on adrenaline and cortisol right now, feel like shite.

Dad rung me today asking me to check with the GP surgery to see when mum's covid booster is due. I told him I've had an upset tummy three times this morning and he just said 'Oh.....anyhow, isn't it awful weather today?'!!.....I really want to give up and flop in bed today. He really doesn't appear to give a crap about me.

I will check out that book, thank you.

If your dads capable of calling you he’s capable of calling the surgery himself

We employ them. It was all a bit of a rush after mum was discharged from the hospital following her fall in the summer. The hospital arranged for carers via agency for 6 weeks after discharge but after a few weeks dad had had enough of them (in his defence they weren't great) and he dismissed them without consulting us so after a 4 day nightmare where my sister and I had to clean mum up all the time (mum was bedbound and had diarrhoea at the time) we rushed into gathering a team of carers who all help each other out, it was via our original morning carer who used to help at the weekends but dad has since fallen out with her and she is no longer on the team.

In retrospect we should have gone through a local agency, it would have been so much easier. There's no one really 'in charge' with this group of carers as they are all self employed.

Bloody hell, OP, I’m worried that you are not going to change this setup.
You are on the edge of a breakdown so tell your family that you have been signed off by the GP for four weeks. I reckon you will be surprised how quickly your sister and father bring in extra paid help when they know that you won’t be picking up the slack any more.
Really, this is totally in your hands to change as you are just going round in circles at the moment and it might be harsh to say but don’t be a doormat any more. They have shown that they don’t care about your wellbeing so concentrate on yourself and your own loving family.

This is just the same weaponised incompetence that younger men use to make their wives do all the housework and childcare. “Just not seeing dirt” etc. It is nonsense, of course they see it, they just think you’ll crack first and do it if they leave it long enough. If he wonders when uour DM’s covid booster is due, he is more than capable of phoning up to find out. He just doesn’t want to because it is a pain, so he has delegated it to you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU

Please tell me you didn’t agree to phone the surgery?

I expect that a lot of the adrenaline coursing through you is because you are stressed at having to say no to your dad. Once you’ve done it a few times and the worst didn’t happen it should start to lessen, but you have to go through the pain barrier for things to get better.

Also to say there’s a good chance that you will say no to something and it will have a less than optimal consequence because your dad or sister don’t step up properly. It will then be very tempting to say ‘Ok this proves I have to keep doing what I’m doing and I can’t step back’ but please don’t! There’s a good chance that on the next few weeks, it all goes a bit pear-shaped but sometimes that’s what has to happen for a proper change to happen. Sadly it may mean that your dad has to experience the full consequences of this situation in order to agree to a change. If you will keep absorbing the worst of it, he will let you because he doesn’t want to face reality.

I think you need to do the whole being too unwell to do anything, doctors orders. You have tried, he won’t listen and that won’t change unless something changes.

You can’t change his behaviour but you can change yours. I think he is sensing you are pulling away and testing you. Never apologise for not being able to do anything. Say it is unfortunate but you can’t, repeat as necessary. Don’t get into whys, ifs or buts or agreed to anything. If things go pear shaped then they do and it isn’t your fault and you have already gone over and above.

Do this.
Have your breakdown and tell them you cannot help anymore. Tell them you are not going to answer the phone for 4 weeks on doctors orders.
Remind them that your opinion is that your mother would be better off in a care home.

Then cut them off completely for 4 weeks.

Well, as it turns out I won't be able to go round as I tested positive for Covid yesterday so that is that for the time being.

That’s excellent news OP. Hope you are not feeling too rough with the Covid but I reckon the universe is stepping in to give you a rest from that toxic environment.

Hmm. Lots of what you say resonates. I have ADHD, a mother with dementia, a wealthy but miserly narc father who had zero sense that his constant demands were eating me alive and running me ragged.

I suddenly realised I didn't have to be his doormat. Or anyone else's. I wasn't mean. I joined the stately homes chat here and it was very supportive. I learned Grey Rock technique. I worked out in my own head what level of help I could give that would make me feel like a loving and dutiful daughter but not an unpaid slave on the brink of mental collapse. Then I did just what I could manage and nothing more. I actually still do a load for them - far more than either sibling ever has – but on my own terms most of the time. But the main thing that freed me was deciding I no longer cared at all what my father thought of me or said about me. I stopped seeking or needing his approval or hoping for his love, appreciation or rational behaviour. That shift in my own expectations was like shedding a massive mental load.

Could you do similar?

It can help with a narc father to phrase things in a way that suggests you think they are a selfless saint and it is time they did something for themselves for a change.

Could you say: Dad, we are all out of our depths. I can't begin to meet mum's needs in the way you deserve. I am ill and exhausted and have my own family to care for and my own home to finance and run. I can't pretend I am available to you 24/7. Much as I'd love to be. You deserve to have proper care and comfort and support so you are not run ragged. You have been very wise with money over the years and now is the time to spend it on yourselves. Get all the help you need, so you have more comfort and time to relax. Please let me help you find really good appropriate support. You deserve it and what is that money you saved for, if not to give you what you need and want when you need and want it?

It's good to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. I am glad you have managed to turn things around and I really hope to be able to do the same.

I have taken more of a back seat this week and whilst I still feel a huge sense of guilt I do also feel a certain freedom and control. I really feel for my mum and dad and especially dad as I know he has so much to deal with but last week whilst on the phone again I happened to mention that I had felt unwell with an upset stomach that morning and my dad said 'Oh right......they say it's going to be very rainy at the end of the week'. He has such form for this kind of response that I decided there and then he really does only concern himself about his situation and what he is going through and I really do need to start doing the same for myself.

It is not going to be easy and I have to do this bit by bit but I just can not stand feeling so rough all the time. It needs to change.

I can only applaud your first steps, OP, along with the brilliant support and advice on this thread. Mumsnet at its best.

My contribution is to tell you that I was amazed and relieved to find out how smoothly my own hysterectomy went a year ago.
I am the biggest wimp in the universe and I was shitting myself, but it was fine, didn't even need pain relief.
I took the carbon drink the night before to offset anaesthesia effects, stayed hydrated up to the second allowed the night before and they kindly put me at the front of the list, as I am such a scaredy cat.
I wish you the best in all that you're coping with. You sound strong and amazing.

Thank you, that's reassuring.

My hysterectomy is looming over me like a black cloud and that's not helping my anxiety at all, I'm so so scared. I'm the type of person who (as much as I try not to) will imagine every worst case scenario and convince myself it will happen to me. Not helped by the fact my gynae is a very abrupt man with zero bedside manners and hasn't put mind at ease at all.

Thank you for the advice. What's the carbon drink? I've not heard of that before.

I got this overview off the internet:

Overview of Pre-Surgery Drinks in the UK
Pre-surgery drinks are carbohydrate-rich beverages designed to be consumed before surgical procedures. They help reduce the stress on the body during surgery and can improve recovery outcomes.
Types of Pre-Surgery Drinks
Nutricia preOp

• Description: A clear, lemon-flavored, non-carbonated drink.
• Calories: 0.5 kcal/ml.
• Usage:
• Loading Dose: 4 x 200ml bottles the evening before surgery.
• Final Dose: 2 x 200ml bottles up to 2 hours before surgery.
• Considerations: Not suitable for infants or patients with delayed gastric emptying.

Preload

• Description: A neutral-tasting carbohydrate drink.
• Usage:
• Day Before Surgery:
• 1st sachet at 6 PM
• 2nd sachet at 10 PM
• Day of Surgery:
• 3rd sachet at 6 AM for morning surgeries or 11 AM for afternoon surgeries.
• Considerations: Not a bowel cleansing solution; does not cause diarrhea.

Benefits of Pre-Surgery Drinks

• Reduced Stress: Helps lower the physiological stress response during surgery.
• Improved Recovery: Aids in quicker recovery by maintaining carbohydrate levels.
• Reduced Side Effects: Can minimize fasting-related side effects like nausea and vomiting.

These drinks are typically provided by healthcare professionals during pre-operative assessments. Always consult with your surgical team for personalized advice and instructions.

Apparently the WHO recommend these drinks for abdominal surgery BUT there are some patients with certain health conditions who can't take them, so do take advice from your medical practitioners, and follow instructions to the letter.
(However, I did not drink anything on the morning of my surgery after about 2am, I think it was, just because we are so used to the instructions not to in the UK)
All the best.💐

Thank you so much. I will ask about this at my pre-assessment appointment.

Giggorata Ah, I've just checked out the ingredients, sadly the sweeteners wreck my stomach, I would end up in lots of pain if I consumed those drinks.

I will ask at my pre-ass appointment if they can recommend anything else.

Have a look at the "Carents" charity. Its a support group for people who end up parenting their elderly parents. There are many people in the same boat and they may have some useful resources.

Thank you, I will do that.