I feel as though I may be heading for a breakdown and I am terrified - what can I do, who will take me seriously?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

I have a GP appointment at 3.30 with a new surgery and am desperately hoping my new GP will listen to me and take me seriously.

I feel as though I am heading for some kind of breakdown don't know what to do anymore.

I am 52 - I have always been prone to anxiety attacks, OCD and overthinking etc. This year I was diagnosed with ADHD, the inattentive type, I tend to internalise all of my anxieties and then blow when very stressed/anxious.

Life has had it's ups and downs as most people experience but was fairly good until around 8 years ago and things started to pile, one on top of the other. This is the issue, individually these things would be manageable but one after the other and I am struggling as it seems to go from one issue to another.

I have two dc. DS20 and DD17. Although DS is much better now when he went over to secondary school (2016-2021) he struggled very much to the point that he developed severe school anxiety/phobia. For years every morning became a nightmare, he would refuse to get out of bed, the school promised to help but failed to deliver just put pressure on me to get him in which is not easy with a 6 foot 2 heavily built teen refusing to leave his bed. Eventually I managed to get him some counselling outside of the school which helped DS very much. He is now a happy 20 year old with a good career ahead of him. He is happy but I am still left quite frazzled from it all.

During that time my MIL became very unwell and ended up in hospice care, she died a horribly painful death in 2020. Two years later my beloved dog developed cancer and had to be pts, if you are not a dog lover you won't understand this but it devastated me, he was my best friend and helped me get out of a bout of depression 10 years earlier. I still miss him terribly.

In 2018 my dear mum developed Alzheimer's. Over the years my father (who I have a prickly relationship with because he shows narcissistic traits) has placed more and more pressure on me to help them out. What started off as some extra help during the covid lockdowns has found me somehow helping out all the time. I have organised everything for them from arranging Attendance Allowance and council tax rebates to GP and hospital appointments (mum also has Osteoporosis, heart disease and breast cancer), arranging POA's, solicitor appointments, bank and finance meetings, arranging carers, housework, paperwork, paying the carers etc etc. Mum had a fall in the summer fracturing her neck, she stayed in hospital for over 3 weeks where they allowed her to become double incontinent by soiling the bed. So she now has to have 2 carers in 3 times a day, this is about 3 hours a day in total, the rest is down to us (dad, me and my sister). I have found the last 3 months since mum's hospital stay the worst of all these times, her dementia has become so much worse and my dad has become more reliant on me. He is very tight and resents spending £1000 per week on care despite having hundreds of thousands in the bank. He refuses to agree for mum to go into a home and basically says if I want that it's on my head. He doesn't appreciate the strain and pressure he puts on me. He would rather see me slowly ebbing away from stress than spend any more on help.

Over the last few weeks I have lost my temper with my dad a few times and have cried some home truths but all he does is tell my sister how awful I am and how bad I have made HIM feel. I genuinely can not get through to him. I know that I am doing that classic thing of setting myself alight to keep others warm but it has gone on for so long that I don't know how to break it without upsetting them and my father will blame me for the breakdown of the care.

I am also in full, horrible perimenopause and with all the fun which comes from that. I am also awaiting a hysterectomy for adenomyosis and surgery for endometriosis. I am terrified to go in for surgery.

I spend every day crying on/off, I am exhausted from the moment I wake until I go to bed, I sleep fitfully. I acknowledge that I am deeply depressed. There is hardly a day goes by where I don't feel proper physical nausea, a deep burning acid in my stomach, pain, bloating, diarrhoea and a very unpredictable gut. I don't even have the pleasure of being able to ease my stress with nice food because everything upsets me these days. I am sitting her typing this whilst feeling so nauseous and with gurgling guts.

Absolutely none of my normal and usual IBS meds or coping strategies are helping. I am having counselling but that is not helping either. No amount of health eating, waking my dog through the countryside every day or meditation is doing a jot of help.

I live with fear that I have something physically wrong with me, guilt that I can't help my parents anymore than I already am, resentment that my father seems to put on me more and more knowing how unwell I am feeling (my husband and sister tell me I look unwell) and absolute terror that I am soon to enter into a state where I may actually lose my mind.

I can't take HRT as it makes my endo worse and all the SSRI's I have tried make my gut symptoms worse but I need something to get me through this shit time in my life, I want to be numbed and dulled from the extreme emotions that I feel.

I know that my father and my sister feel I am overreacting but my sister only visits my parents once or twice a week and has no children and no responsibilities outside of her work and my father doesn't appreciate that I have my own life and issues that I need to deal with as well as trying to keep him and mum afloat.

I just can not and don't want do this anymore, how can I take back some control of my life and health without feeling more guilt? I can't think straight enough to take these decisions on board myself. All I long for is to run away right now.

You don’t just step back and that’s that, you say to social services that you can no longer be involved for whichever reason you decide to give. When I did it I said it was because my GP had advised me to on medical grounds which was what he had said to me.

That left my brother who was overseas and hadn’t seen her for 6 years but was involved thinking he knew the situation as he spoke to her but he didn’t have a clue. Social services stepped in when I stepped back. I did later become involved again, my Mother had most definitely not died.

I have absolutely no regrets about stepping and would do it again in the same situation.

Thank you. Sorry for all you have been through, that sounds tough.

Tbh, of late and on the few days that I don't visit my parents I feel so much better. I know that I need to scale back my visits for my own sanity.

Glad to hear you have felt better since your hysterectomy, I am absolutely dreading surgery, it is looming up any time now and I think that is one of the other reasons I feel extra stressed.

Thank you. Writing it all down is definitely a way forward, everything is just a jumbled mess in my head right now and maybe putting it all on paper and as you say, with some kind of plan for moving forward it may give me some peace of mind.

I honestly have no idea why I want such approval from my dad all the time. As is plainly obvious, I could run myself completely and utterly ragged and it still wouldn't register in his brain just what I have done to help him/them.

I do need to do this to set a new standard. Dreading it though.

@Spiderplantseverywhere honestly the surgery was the best thing I had done. The operation itself wasn’t too bad or intrusive and as long as you take it easy as directed whilst recovering, I’ve had no further problems. How I felt afterwards was pretty life changing to be honest and I got my life back. I was so pleased and enthusiastic at my post surgery consultation afterwards, my gynaecologist joked about don’t go telling all my friends, they’ll all want one. However facing any surgery is stressful, so make sure you make time for yourself. Sadly some of us have all consuming self centred toxic family members and just because you’re related, doesn’t give them the right to drain you dry. Having gone no contact with my family has lifted a lifelong ball of debilitating anxiety I felt crushing my chest and allowed me to finally enjoy my life. I now have peace. Nothing wrong with setting boundaries if needed. Good luck with everything.

My dad is exactly the same, I agree with you. He seems to be incapable of making any major (or minor) decisions these days.

A lot of this is because of my mum's input during their marriage, she actually did so much more in the relationship than anyone ever realised. In retirement years my dad had spent most of the time simply swanning around, either on the golf course or out on his motorbike, mum did so much and now he has to make major life decisions he'd rather bury his head in the sand and pass the responsibility on to his daughters (and stupid me picked up that slack).

If and when I have ever left my dad to it he 'forgets' to do so many things. 'Forgets' to change bedding, change towels, tea towels, wipe down kitchen worktops, put bleach down the toilets, run the hoover over etc. He thinks it's ok that mum may have been in the same clothes for days running with food stains down the front......again this is why I have taken the slack, for my mum more than anyone else.

It is so draining when the one healthy parent left is of no use to anyone.

My parents are both only children and my mum was very close to her own mother. She died suddenly when my mum was 47 and I was 18. My grandfather lived for a further 10 years and my mum ran herself ragged doing stuff for him all the time. He was a very kind and generous man but had mental health issues and I supposed he guilt tripped my mum a lot more than I may have realised at the time. He lived in the next village to us and my mum couldn't even drive past his house to pop into the local Co-op without feeling guilty for not stopping by (which she usually felt that she had to do).

I suppose this is where I may have picked up this feeling, learned behaviour maybe? I probably need to talk this through in my counselling sessions?

You need to focus on your own health and sanity because no one else will.

This is true, unfortunately speaking from experience. I have a high stress life, its daily stress (2 autistic kids. one with pda)

My dad disowned me, after I helped him out and got him through operations, His mobility went and I had mentioned maybe he can look at home help, I don't drive and I don't live near him and he lives alone and I have the 2 autistic kids who are hard work daily, it was a shock, but he took a breakdown I think and I am still trying to deal with it but I do not miss his aggression. He has struggled trying to be a family man. I have to let it go.

I have a book called mother hunger as at 40 I am still suffering from having an unmotherly mother. Selfish with her time and neglected me emotionally all my life. Since I moved across the road from her 2 years ago it has gotten worse for me and I am stuck living here so...

Just wanted to share my story here in case it was of any comfort that you are not alone. Not everyone has great loving nourishing parents, and it has a bad effect on their kids (I am an only child too, but thankfully as my parents would never have coped with more in my opinion and my mum married another 3 times after she divorced my dad, which further destroyed him)

I hope I’m not putting my own emotional stuff onto you - but in my own counselling I discovered how in three generations of my maternal family we’ve essentially been trained to care (in the practical sense, not empathetic way, although everyone is very empathetic as well which can make stuff worse in different ways). I definitely learnt stuff from my Mum that I’ve probably equated being a good Mum/woman. I’m still exploring what that means to me but I have got a lot lot better from where I was but it still surprises me sometimes. If this chimes at all I would definitely bring it up with your counsellor.

Yes, I do think this is very much it. Myself, my mum, her mother too (and my paternal grandmother).

I want to rein that in for myself and also for my own daughter. I have already told both my children and dh that none of them are to care for me at any point. Put me in a care facility and let the paid professionals do it. It is not the job of my dc to look after us in older age.

My father obviously comes from an era which has a different point of view. He never once cared for either of his parents but my nan moved her own mother in with her when she became old and cared for her until she died and he grew up with that because she lived with them from when he was a young child (nan was the youngest child and only daughter, she had 5 much older brothers).

OP - you are so overwhelmed, honestly I just want to give you a hug and tell you that you don’t need to break yourself to show you love your family. I also feel how claustrophobic the situation is and how trapped you feel.

Nothing changes unless something changes - yo I have to give yourself options including the option to step away and so many lovely posters have given the wisest advice. You’re not on the verge of a breakdown - you are breaking down. Let me add to the clamour calling for you to show yourself the care and love you need right now. Your dad is taking you for granted. He may or may not see that once you stop, but you need to stop no matter what he says or thinks. What’s more important - his unreasonable expectations or your sense of self? You know this OP. Take courage from us and let go of his expectations. You will feel so much lighter and you aren’t doing anything wrong no matter what he says or how he tries to guilt trip you. X

How are things going now OP?

Thank you for asking.

Much the same really, I did take 4 days out last week as I felt so rotten, told my father I was not feeling well at all and needed some time to myself. He later told my sister he has no idea why I am so stressed all the time especially as I only really ever 'pop in' and never stay long much longer than 20-30 mins at a time!

That really really hurt. My 'popping in' is usually for 3+ hours 5 times a week (and has been for a good 5 years or so). It is plainly obvious that I will never get him to see my pov, ever so I have decided to reduce my visits to 3-4 times a week. I know that is not a drastic change but it's going in the right direction.

I do feel terribly guilty though but will have to push through that guilt.

I just read your thread OP. You have my complete sympathy, I’m going through something similar. I think you need to really work on being less affected by your father’s opinion of you and putting boundaries in place, easier said than done I know.

You say you’re hurt that he told your sister you only drop in for 20 mins but this kind of comment is completely predictable- it’s not in your fathers or your sisters interests to acknowledge the amount you do or the impact it’s having on you. Bluntly you can’t change their behaviour but you have to start putting yourself and your immediate family first. You have one life and your children are at an age where they still need your help and support. Your DH also deserves to have a wife who isn’t unhappy ill and stressed.

I know you have had a lot of great advice but 4 days break isn’t enough. You need to reset for the long term and your father and sister won’t like it and they’ll probably be horrible but tough, it gets easier over time. You say you can’t deal with the guilt but by giving so much to your parents your children and DH (and you) are losing out and that’s not fair or right either. Looking after your health is important, in some ways it’s selfish not to because you being ill increases the burden on your family so you need to do whatever you can to prevent that - exercise, time to make good food, time to see friends etc.

I would suggest you work out a plan of what is really manageable for you on a weekly basis and tell your Dad, tell him and don’t try and justify it or explain, he’ll just tell you are wrong. You could for example say you’ll pop in Tuesday Thursday and Saturday to either take your mum out or have a cup of tea with her but during that time that you are spending time with her and not changing beds or cleaning. Your dad needs a cleaner for that and if he can’t look after your mum or arrange it so that she has clean clothes and a clean bed then social services will need to get involved. You could also offer say an hour a week to help with admin and say you will call him every other day and stick to that but I think you need a few clear days in the week when you don’t have any contact so you can do other stuff and have a mental break. If he’s unpleasant on the phone end the conversation and don’t engage in justifying why you didn’t do this or that. Tell your sister what your plan is and let her do what she wants to do.

Remember your dad didn’t spend his early 50s like this and nothing you do will ever be enough so you have to stop.

To help others you firstly have to be well yourself . You clearly are not . Your dad is showing no appreciation to all that you are doing and all that you are giving ( of yourself ) so pull right back even if it is just for a week or two and see how they cope .

You may find that he puts upon you because he can and knows you will rush around and sort things out . Elderly people become very selfish .

Thank you. You are right and I am determined to move in that direction.

I am just about to pop over to my parents house and my sister has said she will come by later. I think it may be time to sit with my father today and explain the new way going forward, what we can do or are willing to do and what we can't and there will need be a plan. He will say nothing needs to change as he really is in denial but I will stick to it. I really can not carry on as I am, I do acknowledge that and my own family deserves something better than the current situation.

Good luck OP. I hope it goes ok but if I was you I would go into that conversation with your father expecting that it will not go well and he will try and make you feel guilty. There might be a bit of you still hoping that he’s going to say he understands, he won’t. You have to hold the line for your family and future you.

What helped me finally put some boundaries in place was realising that I could have decades of this ahead and it wasn’t sustainable.

I lost a parent with dementia a few years ago and my remaining parent has been consistently ill and needing help ever since but could easily live for another 20 years. I hit a point where I thought I cannot continue to juggle going round every day along with work, my children and all the other things that life throws at you so I stepped back and started saying no. Surprisingly it hasn’t been a disaster, my parent has coped and realised that they have to use taxis sometimes, employee cleaners and gardeners, work out how to do internet shops, use the NHS app etc.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. My only addition to the great advice you’ve been given is to watch riot women , sounds frivolous but it helped me find a bit more assertiveness around this stuff.

Great post

A lot of this OP seems to be about making it easier on your dad so he can still have a life, get out a bit etc - a bloke who shows you zero gratitude or consideration- cant help but wonder if you and your sister both backed away if paying for a care home might suddenly appeal and to be frank actually be a kinder place for your mum to be -

This mayn't be relevant but I thought I'd mention it just in case. I know there's a history behind your dad's behaviour but something that's crossed my mind as I've been reading is whether he might be starting some sort of mental decline himself: not remembering household things, reduced self-care, forgetting the length and frequency of your visits etc. Would it be worth getting his GP to do a wellness check? Sometimes medics and SS overlook the health needs of the partner without dementia.
The other thought is whether it might be useful to introduce the idea of care home respite for your mum? What I did with my parent with dementia was to say that we needed to find a safety-net of some sort of back-up care just in case I broke a leg, or got a bad case of flu and was infectious, or there was a family emergency and I was needed elsewhere for a bit. It would only be like a holiday for a week or two just to test whether the care home we chose would be a nice one in case the respite option was ever needed in a crisis. If they didn't like that particular home, we could try another one some other time.
Respite would enable your mum to try out a care home, your dad to see what it felt like being without her full-time but still being able to visit her when he wanted (he might like that flexibility) and the rest of the family to experience whether this might be a longer term solution. I've also known couples who've tried out respite together so they weren't split up. That might be another option.

I loved Riot Women.

I have considered this and even mentioned it to my sister a few times but I don't think so tbh. He has always been this way. I think more than anything it's down to his own stress and grief. I think it's why I have gone out of my way to help him as I appreciate just how hard this has been on him and how confused and overwhelmed it must leave him but I genuinely did not realise how much of a negative impact this would have on me too. Existing chronic health issues, perimenopause and dealing with my own family issues is not a great mix to add in to caring for a terminally ill parent too but dad doesn't see this and I do wonder if it is because he is just so caught up in his deep grief.

Problem is that even I thought dad did have the start of dementia there is no way he would go to the GP about it (I have tried to get him there to ask for antidepressants but he refuses) and as he currently has full capacity I can not arrange any GP appointments for him. The GP won't do anything unless he contacts them first.

I could ask SS to do a carers assessment on dad, looking at it all I think they may have only ever done assessments on mum and her care needs, maybe he needs one for himself too?

My sister and I have been trying to persuade dad to try some respite for mum, initially he was all for it but as usual has back-tracked and now refusing. This is our life, one step forward and two back the whole dam time.

How did your talk with your Dad and sis go yesterday?

We suggested that we let the current carers go and get a care company in as my sister and I don't feel we are getting a lot for the money we pay out. The carers stay for around 15-20 mins, just do the basics and go asap but still charge 30 mins.

Dad refuses, says he has become used to the carers and does not want to start with a new company. I suggested that mum's needs may now be exceeding anything we can offer at home even with carers and that maybe it's time to consider a care home but he shot that down although he had been up all night with mum (she was talking all night in her sleep) and he did admit that if this goes on for too long he may need to reconsider.

I also did not offer to come by today, up till now I usually go round on Fridays but have decided that I really need the break.