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Original poster

Christmas with my newly widowed Mum

126 replies

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:13

We lost my lovely Dad at the end of August. It was quite a traumatic death in terms of the pain he was in during his last two days and the support we were not given by the NHS. (This is vaguely relevant). DH and I had booked to go away at Christmas (before Dad died). We have had an awful three years really and as we have no kids this year (they are with their respective other parents), we had treated ourselves to Christmas in the French alps. We have cancelled this, as we couldn’t leave my Mum alone (my sister doesn’t speak to her and my brother lives abroad). There was no real choice about this and it’s the right thing to do. However the thought of Christmas Day is making me really upset. Mum is insisting on us going to her house. It’s uncomfortable and now holds horrible memories of dad’s last days. We will have to sleep in the bed he died in. Dad loved Christmas and it will be a bit distressing, just DH, Mum and I sitting there with a dad shaped hole at the end of the table. We have suggested going out for lunch, to at least make it a bit different but Mum point blank refuses. I know it’s only one day but I am dreading it disproportionally.

Its been an awful three months, dad dying, my dd2 going off to uni, (proud of her but miss her dreadfully), a house move we were forced into to a place we know no one at all except my step sons, my peri meno symptoms going mad. No sleep and feel physically awful. I’m sure all of that is contributing to how I’m feeling-but Does anyone have any ideas on how this can be made better or reframed? The thought of is already making me quite tearful.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 27/10/2025 12:16

Gosh I feel sorry for all of you.
One slight idea - do you have to stay at the house, it sounds really painful to sleep in that room and if there were any hotels or Airbnbs nearby it means you could have a bit of space and dare I say it a little bit of enjoyment.

Blessedbethefruitloopss · 27/10/2025 12:21

Your mum is standing firm, so can you. You both have trauma.

Mum, I have a hard line too,
and won’t be sleeping here. I’ll compromise on the day here though.

(unless your want to take a stronger stance and push to eat out)

GardenGaff · 27/10/2025 12:22

“no real choice”
“insisting”
”point blank refusing”

I would not be held to ransom this way.

Yes I think it’s the ‘right’ thing to do, to not let your mum be alone this Christmas (provided she wants company) but she has to compromise a bit.

Could you drive home after dinner?

LakeFlyPie · 27/10/2025 12:23

So sorry to hear of your loss and the difficult situation. I also lost my Dad this year and know how hard it is. It's been a few months longer for us and IME the memories of the awful last few weeks / days fade with time and happier memories come back to mind more easily. We're going away for Christmas / NY with my Mum (her suggestion) so it'll be a totally different time to usual which we're looking forward to. Could you explain to your Mum how difficult you'll find it being in her house for Christmas? Why is she refusing point blank? If you say that you really can't face current plans, perhaps she will have to find a compromise rather than face Christmas home alone. That might sound tough but you're all grieving and need to support each other and sounds like you've already made a big compromise by cancelling your planned trip. Hope you can come to some arrangement which is acceptable to everyone.

Dearg · 27/10/2025 12:23

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad, and in what sounds like very hard circumstances. You have had a lot to deal with in the last few years.

It is kind of you both to look out for your mum at what will be a hard time for you both. She’s not ready to give up her ‘traditional’ Christmas by the sound of it.

I agree with @rookiemere , that a nearby hotel or Airbnb would be preferable for sleeping. And I would go so far as to explain yo your mum how hard it would be for you to sleep in your dad’s space.

Can you book yourself a treat for after Christmas Day, such as a night or two of luxury somewhere? Just you & DH?

Can you maybe meet up with your DD (s) for a day and enjoy some time with your own dc?

Your mum’s grief is raw, but so is yours, so be sure to look out for yourself a bit too.

Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:24

She would be upset if we did that, and a bit offended probably. And also that would leave her on her own for a bit of Christmas which wouldn’t feel right. She is 83 and doesn’t really understand how uncomfortable the house is as it’s been that way for years and was fine for her and dad but not great for visitors. When they were younger it was obvs set up for family life and they hosted parties a lot and she sort of thinks that it’s still doable (or doesn’t want to accept it isn’t I suppose), so won’t hear of any improvements or deviations from how they always held Christmas (which in reality isn’t much fun nowadays and especially with only three adults, all
bereaved in attendance) :(

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 27/10/2025 12:25

Your mom is being unreasonable , yes she is grieving but so are you.
To sleep in that bed would be an absolute no for me , you have cancelled your lovely plans for her and so she will need to compromise if she expects you to share the day with her.
I think i would give her these facts in perhaps a more 'gentle' manner but if she wants to be with you then i would insist on a meal elsewhere ,no compromise ,it is the least she can do under your altered arrangements.

Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:26

To make matters worse Boxing Day is both dh and DD1’s birthday. She is with her dad and cousins and will have a great time (I will miss her but I don’t want to impose any misery on her) but poor DH will have a rubbish birthday too.

OP posts:
Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:27

tsmainsqueeze · 27/10/2025 12:25

Your mom is being unreasonable , yes she is grieving but so are you.
To sleep in that bed would be an absolute no for me , you have cancelled your lovely plans for her and so she will need to compromise if she expects you to share the day with her.
I think i would give her these facts in perhaps a more 'gentle' manner but if she wants to be with you then i would insist on a meal elsewhere ,no compromise ,it is the least she can do under your altered arrangements.

We haven’t really told her about the cancelled plans (we never got around to telling her we were going before Dad died-no reason just we were busy looking after him ) and so haven’t mentioned it as I don’t want her to feel guilty.

OP posts:
orangewasp · 27/10/2025 12:35

I think you're absorbing too much of the compromise here OP. You need to have a proper talk with your mum, explain the cancelled holiday and draw a line in the sand over the bedroom. I know you want to save your mum any more pain but your feelings matter too.
And as a previous poster suggested - do something nice with your DH once it's over so you have something to look forward to.

Toddlerteaplease · 27/10/2025 12:37

Couldn’t she have come to the alps with you?

rookiemere · 27/10/2025 12:42

Honestly despite your update, I would still stand firm on not sleeping there. If you go in the evening around 8/9 there is nothing much to be missed.
Unfortunately things are going to change and whilst I understand where you’re coming from, it’s ok to offer a small compromise that will make things less sad for yourselves.
Have you been to the doctors about the menopause Symptoms?

tsmainsqueeze · 27/10/2025 12:43

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:27

We haven’t really told her about the cancelled plans (we never got around to telling her we were going before Dad died-no reason just we were busy looking after him ) and so haven’t mentioned it as I don’t want her to feel guilty.

Show quote history

This comes back to her considering your grief too , so maybe if you tell her what you have done she may see things from your side too and may show more consideration and compromise.
I am sorry for you , i know what losing a lovely dad is like.

Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:45

Toddlerteaplease · 27/10/2025 12:37

Couldn’t she have come to the alps with you?

She won’t even go out for lunch, never mind going to a spa hotel in the alps. Plus it was expensive and wouldn’t have been quite the romantic Last Christmas by Wham video style we had envisioned with my Mum in tow :)

OP posts:
Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:46

rookiemere · 27/10/2025 12:42

Honestly despite your update, I would still stand firm on not sleeping there. If you go in the evening around 8/9 there is nothing much to be missed.
Unfortunately things are going to change and whilst I understand where you’re coming from, it’s ok to offer a small compromise that will make things less sad for yourselves.
Have you been to the doctors about the menopause Symptoms?

Yes-I started HRT two weeks ago. First week it seemed to actually make all the symptoms worse-settling down a bit now thankfully

OP posts:
Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:50

Thankyou all for replying. My mum is not a person who is good at compromising and this has got worse since she has got older. She won’t be reasoned with really-I’ve learned that after years of trying about other things. My Dad was the buffer and without him it’s quite tricky.

OP posts:
StrongandNorthern · 27/10/2025 12:51

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:45

She won’t even go out for lunch, never mind going to a spa hotel in the alps. Plus it was expensive and wouldn’t have been quite the romantic Last Christmas by Wham video style we had envisioned with my Mum in tow :)

Show quote history

Listen to yourself!
Your Mum is grieving.
So sorry she won't go to the Alps with you.
Please, please - go with what your Mum wants.

Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 12:52

Have you read the thread? I am?

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 27/10/2025 12:53

Blessedbethefruitloopss · 27/10/2025 12:21

Your mum is standing firm, so can you. You both have trauma.

Mum, I have a hard line too,
and won’t be sleeping here. I’ll compromise on the day here though.

(unless your want to take a stronger stance and push to eat out)

I was going to suggest they eat out,and i think @piscofrisco has valid reason to do that, I wouldn't want to sleep in a room/bed where I had witnessed something so traumatic.

Andtheworldwentwhite · 27/10/2025 12:53

We have this the same this year. But can I put another perspective to it? Mum mum has said she wants to people to come to her. Her reason was she didn’t want to come home to an empty house.

HollyhockDays · 27/10/2025 12:58

How long do you have to stay one night or two? What is the most non negotiable bit the bed or the meal?

Is there a different bed you can use?

JustReacher · 27/10/2025 13:00

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you could compromise in that you do go to your mum's but you don't stay in your dad's bed, that's completely unreasonable.

I also think you should do something nice for boxing day as it's your dh's birthday. Your mum needs to recognise that other people have needs too.

Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 13:02

Andtheworldwentwhite · 27/10/2025 12:53

We have this the same this year. But can I put another perspective to it? Mum mum has said she wants to people to come to her. Her reason was she didn’t want to come home to an empty house.

I’m sure there is a bit of that with mum. We did suggest she comes to us but she won’t-she wants to be at home and that’s that. There is a sort of brass band thst comes around the village playing carols on Christmas morning -my Dad used to take them a sherry out. She wants to do that, which is fine and lovely-but will take up 20 mins of the day maximum. We live about an hour and a half away from Mum so it’s a bit of a drive on Christmas night and would mean one of us not drinking (which would mean it’s a literal as well as figurative dry lunch). Not out of the question but I would feel bad leaving her on Christmas night.

I will suggest going out for lunch again. But she Will undoubtedly refuse. We are going out on Christmas Eve with my DD’s before they go off to their dads family (also an hour away from mums) and she is already cribbing about that (we are paying so it’s not the expense, it’s just not what she has always done)

they have only had two different Christmases in the 50 odd years they have lived in that house. One where I was literally in labour with Dd1 and they came to our house and last year when they went to America to see my brother (golden child so they were persuaded to go but it took
some doing).

OP posts:
Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 13:04

HollyhockDays · 27/10/2025 12:58

How long do you have to stay one night or two? What is the most non negotiable bit the bed or the meal?

Is there a different bed you can use?

Both non negotiable. She won’t go out and the only other bed is Mums. She won’t sleep in the ‘death bed’. She doesn’t have a settee. Just two armchairs and a sort of two seater thing that is the hardest seat known to man, so that isn’t even an option

OP posts:
Original poster
piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 13:04

We will stay Christmas Eve and Christmas night, home at some point on Boxing Day.

OP posts: