Page 5 | Christmas with my newly widowed Mum

piscofrisco · 2025-10-27T12:13:14+00:00

We lost my lovely Dad at the end of August. It was quite a traumatic death in terms of the pain he was in during his last two days and the support we were not given by the NHS. (This is vaguely relevant). DH and I had booked to go away at Christmas (before Dad died). We have had an awful three years really and as we have no kids this year (they are with their respective other parents), we had treated ourselves to Christmas in the French alps. We have cancelled this, as we couldn’t leave my Mum alone (my sister doesn’t speak to her and my brother lives abroad). There was no real choice about this and it’s the right thing to do. However the thought of Christmas Day is making me really upset. Mum is insisting on us going to her house. It’s uncomfortable and now holds horrible memories of dad’s last days. We will have to sleep in the bed he died in. Dad loved Christmas and it will be a bit distressing, just DH, Mum and I sitting there with a dad shaped hole at the end of the table. We have suggested going out for lunch, to at least make it a bit different but Mum point blank refuses. I know it’s only one day but I am dreading it disproportionally. Its been an awful three months, dad dying, my dd2 going off to uni, (proud of her but miss her dreadfully), a house move we were forced into to a place we know no one at all except my step sons, my peri meno symptoms going mad. No sleep and feel physically awful. I’m sure all of that is contributing to how I’m feeling-but Does anyone have any ideas on how this can be made better or reframed? The thought of is already making me quite tearful.

Katykaty11 · 27/10/2025 15:23

I would also find sleeping in the bed too upsetting - same as your mum. I'd tolerate everything else. I'd get a hotel room and literally just sleep there. Spend breakfast to bedtime with your mum. Leave some time during the day boxing day and do birthday for your dp that evening.

Plugsocketrocket · 27/10/2025 15:29

Is this a new grief thing that she cannot compromise or hear no or was she like this before your father passed away? I get it is a very sad time for her but you literally don’t seem to exist as a person at all to her except someone put on earth to meet her wants. If this was a temporary thing related to grief that is one thing but if it is a long standing pattern when do you plan to address it with her?

Oriunda · 27/10/2025 15:39

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 13:29

It’s probably 6 and two threes between them. She is not my sisters mum, (her mum died when my sister was 9) but she was married to my dad when my sister turned 13 ish. My sister has never accepted it (she is slightly nutty to be fair and was very possessive over my Dad for his whole life-when he died you would have been forgiven for thinking he only had one child the way she behaved). My sister is now 64 (she is 20 years older than me. She still behaves like a snarky teenager around my Mum. She clearly as alot of unresolved issues about her own Mums death but won’t seek help. My Mum for her part can be quite abrupt and critical and she stopped even trying with my sister about ten years ago. They barely tolerated each other when Dad was alive and actually argued non stop over him
when he was literally dying. (I am angry with them
both about this). She lives about 10 mins from Mum but hasn’t seen her since the funeral which is clearly just how it will be going forwards.

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Wow. I don't think most people have picked up on this. So your poor half-sister lost her own mother, then had to endure a stepmother with whom she clearly didn't get on with. Her grief at her/your father's death must have been unbearable, since she's now lost both parents.

So she needs absolutely to be taken out of this situation; your mother is not her responsibility to care for.

Your mother sounds, tbh, very uncompromising. You need to set your stall out now. She will survive the nights sleeping on her own. Book the hotel, go there to sleep and return for breakfast with her.

SushiForMe · 27/10/2025 16:04

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 13:04

Both non negotiable. She won’t go out and the only other bed is Mums. She won’t sleep in the ‘death bed’. She doesn’t have a settee. Just two armchairs and a sort of two seater thing that is the hardest seat known to man, so that isn’t even an option

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That is really unfair, did you point out that the death bed is also a no go for you and DH? What did she say?

Original poster

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 16:37

Plugsocketrocket · 27/10/2025 15:29

Is this a new grief thing that she cannot compromise or hear no or was she like this before your father passed away? I get it is a very sad time for her but you literally don’t seem to exist as a person at all to her except someone put on earth to meet her wants. If this was a temporary thing related to grief that is one thing but if it is a long standing pattern when do you plan to address it with her?

She has always been like it to a degree. Far worse in the last few years and in particular since Dad died

OP posts:

Original poster

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 16:39

Oriunda · 27/10/2025 15:39

Wow. I don't think most people have picked up on this. So your poor half-sister lost her own mother, then had to endure a stepmother with whom she clearly didn't get on with. Her grief at her/your father's death must have been unbearable, since she's now lost both parents.

So she needs absolutely to be taken out of this situation; your mother is not her responsibility to care for.

Your mother sounds, tbh, very uncompromising. You need to set your stall out now. She will survive the nights sleeping on her own. Book the hotel, go there to sleep and return for breakfast with her.

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My sisters mum died 55 years ago. She is now 64. And as I said, some of her behaviour has been extremely questionable over the years, as much as my mums has. They are both equally at fault.
she is out of the Christmas equation however. She hasn’t even seen my mum since dad’s funeral in September.

OP posts:

Original poster

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 16:43

I will try and talk to mum about the bed and the carpet. The rest of it I’m pretty sure I’d be on a hiding to nothing with. I will just have to suck it up this year. It’s just one day, I know. I’m sure im
over dramatising it. It’s just hanging over me all ready and it feels gloomy. I usually love this time of yesr and the run up to Christmas. All feels a
bit rubbish this year.
dh and I willl have the children back the day after Boxing Day until the start of school term for his (younger) and uni for dd2 (dd1 lives with us full time). So no much chance for a post Christmas get away, but we will hopefully schedule something in for February time.

Thankyou to everyone who has replied.

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 27/10/2025 16:51

Age is really sad. The first Christmas after Dh died was sad in its way but I actually managed to give ds (and myself) a really fun time by going to see a different chunk of family and having people around. I can guess I might not be that flexible at 83 though.

Cornishclio · 27/10/2025 16:55

Your mum doesn’t get to call all the shots and it is a bit of a red flag that your sister doesn’t talk to her. You are grieving too and have cancelled a holiday to spend time with her so I would be saying that you are not happy to spend the night in your dads bed or stay at home so you either go out or she spends Christmas alone. She lost her husband but you lost your dad. Does your mum normally insist on everything being done her way?

mamagogo1 · 27/10/2025 17:00

Can you not put your foot down and take her to a little hotel where they will look after you all, go for a walk etc. nobody needs to cook and it’s neutral territory

Dancingsquirrels · 27/10/2025 17:12

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 16:43

I will try and talk to mum about the bed and the carpet. The rest of it I’m pretty sure I’d be on a hiding to nothing with. I will just have to suck it up this year. It’s just one day, I know. I’m sure im
over dramatising it. It’s just hanging over me all ready and it feels gloomy. I usually love this time of yesr and the run up to Christmas. All feels a
bit rubbish this year.
dh and I willl have the children back the day after Boxing Day until the start of school term for his (younger) and uni for dd2 (dd1 lives with us full time). So no much chance for a post Christmas get away, but we will hopefully schedule something in for February time.

Thankyou to everyone who has replied.

"I will just have to suck it up this year"

Well, you don't have to. But if you choose to, I hope you can frame it in your own mind as a positive thing that you're sacrificing your own Christmas for her benefit and in memory of your Dad

Good luck. Awful situation

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 27/10/2025 17:19

I think you should tell your mum that you’re not comfortable sleeping in the bed that your Dad died in. If she’s allowed to say that, you should be as well.

Go for the day, stay lateish, then go to a hotel on the night and celebrate your DH’s birthday for boxing day. Pop back and see her on the 27th so she has plans in place. You are also grieving you are allowed to meet her half way here.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 27/10/2025 17:21

I’m sure im over dramatising it

You’re not.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 27/10/2025 17:34

OP, I think you sound lovely but too compromising. Your mum has basically said it’s her way or the high way.

You can say high way.

I am very sorry for your loss and your mother must be feeling terrible but that doesn’t mean you should sleep over in the room, in that bed.

If she can’t empathise a little with your desire to avoid that, then I’m sorry she doesn’t deserve all the kindness you’ve shown her.

My best advice is go back to her and say you will spend Christmas with her but you’re staying in a hotel. If she doesn’t like that choice (and insists she won’t come to you) then she can go to your brother’s or be on her own. She has options but is holding you to ransom. She may be grieving but making you sleep in that bedroom when you’ve said you really can’t, is quite frankly, cruel.

JollyHostess101 · 27/10/2025 17:35

I took my Dad out for Christmas lunch the year after my mum died…… the one and only time he agreed to not be at home! It was a shit day but I didn’t have to cook or wash up! Could you do this?!

Boomer55 · 27/10/2025 17:45

The first Xmas after i was widowed was incredibly difficult. You just plough on. to get through it, and subsequent Xmas days are easier,,

Elefant1 · 27/10/2025 18:12

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 13:53

In Derbyshire?

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No, no where near, it seems we're not the only ones with this lovely tradition 🙂

Uricon2 · 27/10/2025 18:18

Wishihadanalgorithm · 27/10/2025 17:34

OP, I think you sound lovely but too compromising. Your mum has basically said it’s her way or the high way.

You can say high way.

I am very sorry for your loss and your mother must be feeling terrible but that doesn’t mean you should sleep over in the room, in that bed.

If she can’t empathise a little with your desire to avoid that, then I’m sorry she doesn’t deserve all the kindness you’ve shown her.

My best advice is go back to her and say you will spend Christmas with her but you’re staying in a hotel. If she doesn’t like that choice (and insists she won’t come to you) then she can go to your brother’s or be on her own. She has options but is holding you to ransom. She may be grieving but making you sleep in that bedroom when you’ve said you really can’t, is quite frankly, cruel.

Totally agree with this. I've been widowed and although I wasn't 83 with the issues age brings, it isn't great in your 40s either. Other people (ie you) are entitled to their grief and their feelings too and sleeping in the bed your DDad died in would be a hard no from me.

BauhausOfEliott · 27/10/2025 18:42

StrongandNorthern · 27/10/2025 12:51

Listen to yourself!
Your Mum is grieving.
So sorry she won't go to the Alps with you.
Please, please - go with what your Mum wants.

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You’ve really misunderstood the whole situation the OP is describing. She cancelled her trip to the Alps because she didn’t want her mum to be alone, and she hasn’t complained about that. She hasn’t even told her Mum that she cancelled a holiday to be with her, because she didn’t want her Mum to feel guilty. She’s been really kind.

The OP is also grieving. She lost the father she adored. She’s doing her best to take care of her mum at Christmas, but that doesn’t mean she has to be forced to spend the night in the bed her father died in and have a Christmas meal that will just make all three people present feel miserable while she’s also struggling with her own grief and her own menopause related health issues. It isn’t unreasonable of her to want her own grief and preferences to be considered and to find a nice compromise.

Mix56 · 27/10/2025 18:46

As PP said, Id tell her, honestly, that you dont want to sleep in the “deathbed”, like her. Tell her you will book a hotel/ Airbnb nearby & be back for breakfast,
She may not like it, & say “dont come at all then”, to which you reply, “It’s up to you. We are compromising on the rest, but it ends with sleeping in that bed”.

crinkletits · 27/10/2025 18:48

There is nothing that could convince me to sleep in that room. Nothing!

Roselily123 · 27/10/2025 19:35

Uricon2 · 27/10/2025 18:18

Totally agree with this. I've been widowed and although I wasn't 83 with the issues age brings, it isn't great in your 40s either. Other people (ie you) are entitled to their grief and their feelings too and sleeping in the bed your DDad died in would be a hard no from me.

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This first Christmas without Dad is always going to be hard.
But when you thrown in all the other stuff it’s sounds totally miserable.
Sorry but dm sounds manipulative.
Kindly op has offered to spend the day with her.
But that’s not good enough.
That bed wants removing asap.
How can anyone expect op to sleep in it.
How can Dm even look at the stain on the carpet …

OneFineDay22 · 27/10/2025 19:49

I’ve not RTFT but read all your posts OP. Not sure if anyone else has suggested an air bed? We don’t have much space at my house - no spare room etc, so our in laws always bring an air bed and sleep in the front room on that. Would that be possible?

I would go slightly against the grain and say maybe don’t have such a difficult conversation on her birthday. Try and just make it nice and then bring it up after.

Beachhutgirl · 27/10/2025 19:57

OP, you sound as if you are trying so hard to look after your Mum. I'd stick with spending Christmas day with her and staying the night you will obviously feel horribly guilty if you don't.

As other posters have said, insist on having tje carpet and bed replaced. She may need you to help her sort these out if you are able to that can be very daunting for people newly on their own.

But having done all this, draw a line under it and book a really nice meal out for your DH and you on Boxing Day, with or without your Mum. He deserves to have his birthday celebrated, whatever else is happening.

Topseyt123 · 27/10/2025 20:01

piscofrisco · 27/10/2025 16:43

I will try and talk to mum about the bed and the carpet. The rest of it I’m pretty sure I’d be on a hiding to nothing with. I will just have to suck it up this year. It’s just one day, I know. I’m sure im
over dramatising it. It’s just hanging over me all ready and it feels gloomy. I usually love this time of yesr and the run up to Christmas. All feels a
bit rubbish this year.
dh and I willl have the children back the day after Boxing Day until the start of school term for his (younger) and uni for dd2 (dd1 lives with us full time). So no much chance for a post Christmas get away, but we will hopefully schedule something in for February time.

Thankyou to everyone who has replied.

I really don't think you have to just suck it up at all. I would refuse point blank to sleep in the bed my parent had died in. That's just so unreasonable it's off the scale!

Your mother really shouldn't be trying to force that. I bet she would refuse to sleep in it if anyone suggested that to her. She'd probably be horrified at the idea so that makes her hypocritical at best.