Christmas with my newly widowed Mum

[piscofrisco]

We lost my lovely Dad at the end of August. It was quite a traumatic death in terms of the pain he was in during his last two days and the support we were not given by the NHS. (This is vaguely relevant). DH and I had booked to go away at Christmas (before Dad died). We have had an awful three years really and as we have no kids this year (they are with their respective other parents), we had treated ourselves to Christmas in the French alps. We have cancelled this, as we couldn’t leave my Mum alone (my sister doesn’t speak to her and my brother lives abroad). There was no real choice about this and it’s the right thing to do. However the thought of Christmas Day is making me really upset. Mum is insisting on us going to her house. It’s uncomfortable and now holds horrible memories of dad’s last days. We will have to sleep in the bed he died in. Dad loved Christmas and it will be a bit distressing, just DH, Mum and I sitting there with a dad shaped hole at the end of the table. We have suggested going out for lunch, to at least make it a bit different but Mum point blank refuses. I know it’s only one day but I am dreading it disproportionally.

Its been an awful three months, dad dying, my dd2 going off to uni, (proud of her but miss her dreadfully), a house move we were forced into to a place we know no one at all except my step sons, my peri meno symptoms going mad. No sleep and feel physically awful. I’m sure all of that is contributing to how I’m feeling-but Does anyone have any ideas on how this can be made better or reframed? The thought of is already making me quite tearful.

If it’s not possible for your DB to come over to support his widowed DM on her first christmas on her own, then surely it must be not possible for you and your DH to have to sleep in the bed your DF died in with the accompanying carpet stains. It’s perhaps too soon for your DM to sort the carpet and the mattress- I totally get that, but honestly it shouldn’t even be that contentious for you to say you can’t sleep there as it is, so you will book a Premier Inn or Travel lodge instead.

Nobody likes forcing change, particularly in such sad circumstances but sometimes it has to be done. After a couple of horrid Christmas nights sleeping on DSILs stained mattress with springs poking up, making up our own bedding with disgusting dirty pillows and being woken up at the crack of dawn by BIL because we were in “his” back room, I refused to stay there again. DH was worried because he didn’t want to upset DSIL but I think she was secretly relieved. That probably won’t be the case here, but you just need to say gently and kindly “It is too upsetting for us to sleep in DFs room this year so we have booked the hotel down the road.” DM may well be upset, but she will get over it and you’ll have a bit of a break as well.

OP I think you need to ask as gently as possible why your mum thinks it’s ok for you to sleep in that bed, when she won’t do it? He was your dad and you also have those memories of his last days. Try to get her to see that that brings you closer together rather than further apart.

Your mum sounds like she’s used to getting her own way. Sadly, things will have to change, she will have to learn to compromise rather than dictate. I would be very wary of setting a precedent of how things will be going forward, and that includes trying to keep her happy to keep the peace.
What are her plans for coping as she ages and becomes frail living alone? I fear for you OP, I fear this is just the beginning.

So she won't go to your brothers, won't come to yours, won't go to a hotel, won't go out for lunch, won't get you a new bed to sleep in, won't let you pay for / replace bed / carpet for her....

Sorry I was sympathetic in the beginning but she sounds like a control freak and that everything has to be on her terms and fuck everyone else's comfort and happiness.

I agree with this. There is no way you should be sleeping in that bed, Christmas or not, when it clearly has such horrible memories for you all.
I do think you should stand up for yourself on the bed front - either you get a new bed, and you’re happy to organise this for her, or you stay elsewhere. It’s really not unreasonable at all.

i lost my dad this May, he died in hospital. You have my heartfelt sympathies, it is such a difficult time. Your mum is grieving but so are you. I wish you all the best.

@Starlight1984 "Yes she lost her husband but you lost your dad! You are grieving as much as she is."

The 2 types of grief and loss are not at all comparable. The OP's mother (or any widow) has lost the man with whom she woke up with every morning and went to bed with every night, ate with, spent every evening talking with, sharing her thoughts and concerns with and every holiday for the past 50 years or more. She is now 83 and her loss will impact every single aspect and every single day of her life until she dies. The OP has (god willing) many more years of life and a DH to share it all with. She has someone who lives with her to share her grief with. She won't be coming home to the deafening and endless sound of silence in an empty house. I didn't understand the life alterting condition of widowhood until it happened to me. It's like being hit by an express train. It's like losing half your own body.

OP I hope you'll be able to rebook your holiday for another date. I would also celebrate Christmas again at home with your husband on a different date.

You're being such a kind daughter, but you're allowed to say when your mom is being unfair. I think you are doing the right thing going over (or having her over) for the day but beyond that you can say no to sleeping over etc.

I understand that and I can't imagine losing my DH so my heart goes out to you.

However my point was, the OPs mum is asking her to make huge sacrifices to her own happiness on the first Christmas without her Dad. Fair enough to say she wants to stay in her own home and wants the OP to stay over but in that case she needs to agree to getting a new bed / new carpets / whatever will help the OP get through this first tough Christmas too.

I totally agree with this. That would probably be the best response. She might not like it, that's true, but it is also true that she seems to have forgotten that you are grieving and affected by your Dad's traumatic death too, not just her.

You have both suffered a lot this year, and losing a parent and/or husband in a traumatic way like that is horrendous. I know. It happened to me four and a half years ago when my Dad died and he wasn't even at home (died in hospital alone of multi organ failure during covid lockdown, though he didn't actually have COVID).

Since my Dad died even my mother has always refrained from sleeping on his side of their bed and he didn't even die there. It's HIS space. When I visit I sleep in my own bed there , which is still in my childhood bedroom.

Your mum is still being unreasonable though and I think you do need to put your foot down about some important things here. I'd tell her that you simply cannot sleep in his deathbed as it would be too triggering. If she mocks or poo poos you for saying that then I would just not go at all to be honest. The carpet stain is also very triggering and I would also want that replaced too. To be honest, I'm rather surprised that it doesn't seem to bother her enough to have done something about it (like new carpet).

Of course this could ignite an argument, but if she does carry it that far then it is an argument that needs to be had, I'm afraid.

You matter too, just as much as she does. True that he was her husband, but he was also your Dad and that is not insignificant so don't let her act as though it is.

Personally, I think you need to tell her about your cancelled holiday. At the moment she probably can't see that you have compromised at all, so it might just give her the pause for thought that she needs.

Of course you don't want to leave her on her own this Christmas, but she needs to understand that although no-one wanted this, things have changed and that you can only help her if she takes into account that you are affected too and your feelings are also valid.

@piscofrisco Im sorry for your loss
I was in a similar situation this time last year. My dad died in a traumatic way last October. He had a fall on the stairs and went into cardiac arrest due to weakness from prostate cancer.
My DM can be awkward. She refused help with care , a key safe so had to be locked in so my niece who also lives there could go to work. After months of this and a community nurse blaming family members because she couldnt get in despite the mental capacity law saying ppl can make decisions even if they are to their own detriment , The state wants it both ways a key safe was fitted. Despite my dad dying after a fall on the stairs she still refuses to have a stairlift fitted.
Last Christmas my DB cancelled the Christmas dinner he had booked at a pub and we spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day at Mums but didnt sleep over as i live in the same town and DB lives in the next town. It was hard It still is I was close to my dad and got on well with him. DM is profoundly deaf and refuses a hearing aid, so getting her to hear and understand anything is hard work. She has now removed the key from the key safe. Shes now getting around better but is still at risk of falling. She has also removed the falls alarm , disconnected it and shoved it in a drawer. Its bloody frustrating

Hi OP
I have read the full thread and I think everyone is offering practical solutions when it is obvious now that every solution is unviable.
You ended your OP by asking for how it could be "made better" or "reframed" - and I guess everyone has focused on ideas for the making it better/different. It is obvious that nobody's idea is suitable for various reasons.
So I guess the only option is indeed to reframe - a conversation with your mum, and the guts to potentially make uncomfortable decisions and/or just go with it for the sake of one Christmas are your only options.

I do get all of that, but expecting OP to sleep in her Dad's deathbed is awful. As is the triggering and horribly stained carpet from his final and traumatic illness.

In the sense that the solutions really are the following -

1. Mum accompanies you somewhere (unviable - mum wont go)
2. Mum comes to you (unviable - rental).
3. Other siblings come to your mum/host your mum (unviable)

Which leaves just two options really -

1. You go and accept it for one year and have a romantic break with your DH at another time.
2. You dont go - and have a difficult conversation and/or falling out with your mum.

There really is nothing else that is feasible.

I think this is the right call. You need to spell it out. Grief does funny things to us doesn't it, and I find with a lot of people they will find a grievance and latch onto it after someone's died, and i believe its their way of coping. Much easier to go 'how dare my daughter do this' and focus on that, than whats going on around you.
What im sort of trying to say is... you are being so kind and generous and coming up with good solutions, but her turning those down indicates to me that her being upset at you is almost inevitable. She will find something, because she's as you say, a bit of a tricky character and she's grieving. If its not this, she will find something else to be upset about and try and feel control over to feel safe. Its not about the solution, really is it. I dont think you are going to be able to avoid it, however or whenever it comes. And I suspect from what you've said, this isnt the first or wont be the last time in her life.
So take it as an inevitable that she will get upset over something, and just put the solution in place, and act like its a foregone conclusion - of COURSE you will not sleep in the bed. Mum, of course we have already figured out a solution. Mum, you sit back and relax. Turn the bed on its side against the wall and bring an air mattress, buy a cheap rubber backed rug and put it over the stain. Im so sorry for your loss and I hope you get through the festive season okay.

Thank you for your kind words. Nobody understands what widowhood is like until it happens to them. I was just as guilty as everyone else in that respect. I cringe sometimes when I look back my breathtaking lack of understanding of other women when I was in the happy position of having a husband and a full life. I absolutely agree about the bed/new carpet situation though. That is very grim and should certainly be resolved.

I'm with you - my husband died at home and I still can't even sleep in our old bedroom! You need to tell her that you can't sleep in that bed. I know that she's grieving but so are you and she needs to make some compromises too.
Sorry for your loss x

I really feel for you.

I think red lines about the carpet and the bed. You can fall in with a lot of what she wants and still say "no, I can't" to those 2. Push her to accept your help on sorting the carpet and getting rid of the bed, and compromise on the other things. How would she feel if someone insisted she slept in his bed? She would point blank refuse, she wouldn't just meekly accept because it is viscerally just impossible for her to do - as it is for you. He was your dad as well as her husband.

Make the most of your husband's birthday once you are out of there.

@piscofrisco how upsetting all around, first christmas/anniversaries after losing a loved one are always difficult. When emotional blackmail is brought into play too, it is never easy.

It's good that you're only an hour away from your Mum, it will enable you to make reasonable suggestions, if you can stick to it.

Spend Christmas eve with your girls.

Early Christmas morning, go to your Mum's, open gifts/prep lunch.

Late evening when Mum is off to bed, you and your husband should go back home.

Boxing day, you and your husband should spend his birthday together, at yours.

You will have to make these all non-negotiables @piscofrisco especially going forward.

Is it do-able, for you though?

I wouldn't spoil her birthday. But do send that message soon afterwards

Could you re-arrange your Alps spa weekend for January, to give you something to look forward to?

I do agree. The bed and carpet situation need to be resolved.

Why don't you and your husband book a hotel/b&b nearby? Arrive at your mum's for the brass band and lunch and then leave late afternoon. I know it means one of you can't drink but at least you won't have to sleep there.

Agree your DM is being unreasonable. She sounds like Bride of Dracula (no offence to you intended) not to realize sleeping in death bed with death blood stained carpet is Not in spirit of Xmas and what would village's jolly carol singers
think if they knew? They would probably give her a wide berth in future. If she cannot get rid of carpet and bed she is not ready to entertain anyone for Xmas.

I would simply say that you and your DH do not wish to sleep in your Dad's old room, so you have booked a nearby hotel and will head there to sleep at 10pm or whatever on Christmas night. She'll be going to bed anyway.

If she objects then you can say that she/you will arrange for a new bed and carpet to be installed. It's a simple choice, if she wants you there she will consent. You haven't a hope of replacing carpet before Christmas if you haven't ordered it in the next couple of weeks though.

I would also drive there on Christmas morning, spend the night with your DD's and sleep in your own bed. Head over with the makings of Christmas lunch and be there early.

Then on Boxing Day, book a lunch out for the three of you or stay in and head away home in the evening when she is winding down. If you have your own space, you can head there and have a glass of wine together with your DH.

Christmas is one day, personally I think you can celebrate it any day with the friends and family you want there. Sometimes you have to do the obligatory family thing on the day, but your "real" Christmas might be an alternative date.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you need to resign yourself to the fact that it's going to be a distressing Christmas either way and just get through it.

That does sound very sensible @Arregaithel

I mean brass band not singers!