Christmas with my newly widowed Mum

[piscofrisco]

We lost my lovely Dad at the end of August. It was quite a traumatic death in terms of the pain he was in during his last two days and the support we were not given by the NHS. (This is vaguely relevant). DH and I had booked to go away at Christmas (before Dad died). We have had an awful three years really and as we have no kids this year (they are with their respective other parents), we had treated ourselves to Christmas in the French alps. We have cancelled this, as we couldn’t leave my Mum alone (my sister doesn’t speak to her and my brother lives abroad). There was no real choice about this and it’s the right thing to do. However the thought of Christmas Day is making me really upset. Mum is insisting on us going to her house. It’s uncomfortable and now holds horrible memories of dad’s last days. We will have to sleep in the bed he died in. Dad loved Christmas and it will be a bit distressing, just DH, Mum and I sitting there with a dad shaped hole at the end of the table. We have suggested going out for lunch, to at least make it a bit different but Mum point blank refuses. I know it’s only one day but I am dreading it disproportionally.

Its been an awful three months, dad dying, my dd2 going off to uni, (proud of her but miss her dreadfully), a house move we were forced into to a place we know no one at all except my step sons, my peri meno symptoms going mad. No sleep and feel physically awful. I’m sure all of that is contributing to how I’m feeling-but Does anyone have any ideas on how this can be made better or reframed? The thought of is already making me quite tearful.

Sympathy - you sound like youe
trying to do the right thing but have a nagging feeling you’re making yourself miserable.

it doesn’t sound like you can bear to change things with your mum this year (fair enough) so I would change perspective.
this Xmas day might be hideous but it will pass and it will be one day. Radical acceptance. You are a kind person trying to do a kind thing for your mum and it comes at a cost. Carve out a different day to do lovely things for you and your other family and be entirely indulgent that it’s what you want.
Part of this will be sadness that it’s how it is…. A new reality and that’s always difficult.
best wishes to you.

OP I am sorry for your loss. There’s some good advice her and I def agree with @Peridot1 That is non-negotiable. Everywhere will be getting booked up now for Christmas (inc carpet fitters!) so I’d act soon. Or could you not just say you insist she comes to you this Christmas (explain why) and that you will be over to collect her on Christmas Eve (or whatever) and will plan some lovely things. I’d even be inclined to scoop her up on Christmas morning after the band has played, even if that meant staying in a Travelodge the night before. I know this sounds a lot but it may be worth it. I find with my elderly MIL, the family sometimes defer to her too much and (accepting she and your Mum are not the same person), sometimes she is surprisingly complicit when someone lovingly but firmly takes charge. Then if she doesn’t want to do it - her choice. Good luck x

She won’t like it.

But you won't like (or actually, will absolutely fucking hate) sleeping in the bed your dad died in. So why do her needs trump yours?

Yes she lost her husband but you lost your dad! You are grieving as much as she is.

I would normally be - and am - completely sympathetic towards your mum but she can't dictate every single element of Christmas. If she doesn't want to be alone then she is going to need to compromise so that your Christmas isn't completely shit.

I think just saying what that poster said almost word for word would be best obviously you know your mum but just lay it out you don't have to be gentle because she isn't being particularly gentle with you.

Is it too late to reinstate the holiday booking?

I’m sorry for your loss. And it is your loss too op, compromises should be made on both sides here. I would think not sleeping in the bed is non-negotiable (it would be for me at least - I can’t believe she expects you both to sleep there, and that the carpet has just been left, just no!). I would spend the day there but leave at some point in the evening. That seems the fairest thing to me to do. You will want a little breathing space in your own bed in your own house by the end of the day. Just tell her - gently - that that is how it’s going to be. She is going to need to change she might as well start now, she may have years left on her own, and you need to set boundaries.

Can you afford / are you willing to pay for the bed and carpet to be replaced? (I know it’s not your responsibility, just trying to think of options here).

If you can, then give your mother two choices: you don’t stay for Christmas or you get the bed / carpet replaced.

I wouldn’t be staying in that room either - I’d get a hotel / Airbnb in preference.

This.

You are entitled to protect your own raw feelings.

You made a huge gesture in order to be available to her at Christmas. Why can’t she come to yours?

If she’s coming to your house for her birthday you’re halfway there. Make it really welcoming and cosy for her and address it again while she’s in your house? Still 2 months to go.

You seem strongly conditioned to go along with her likes and dislikes.

What she is asking of you is very unreasonable. Don’t let her make you doubt that.

I wonder if it would be worth booking a lovely self catering place with enough rooms for all your family to have their own rooms and you could then cook a meal at the place or book to go out for a meal. You could give a reason of the fact that your mum's place is not big enough for you all. At least then people have a room to go to if they want some time on their own.

We can just about. But she won’t hear of it

Have you cancelled your holiday? Is there any chance of still going away and taking your mum away too? Assume Alps is a snow holiday, but plenty of resorts are nice to mooch around in too, or just sit enjoying the scenery

Just to say what you already know, that not all widows behave like this and you don’t have to compromise to such a hideous extent. Dp’s 85 year old mum was widowed this year and there are certain absolutes - you’re right to make sure she doesn’t spend the day alone. But that doesn’t mean that her desperate wish to basically have the same day as always with you replacing your dad is achievable.

I wouldn’t offer too many options. And tbh I wouldn’t say about the holiday - though I would replan it either for New Year or next year and tell her about it now. But I’m sorry, no, you are not going to sleep in your dad’s bed and either she gets the carpet sorted or you will.

If you feel you must stay there overnight, is there room for an Aerobed? They are the nearest thing to a comfortable non-bed option for overnight guests that I have come across. Maybe one each for you and Dh?

Might be a bit outside the box thinking

but I’d hire a campervan and sleep in that
wake up Christmas morning few small presents hot drink and mince pie still in bed wrapped in quilt
face time the kids

then brace yourself for your mum

Well if it were me I'd have said I'm having xmas at home. DH will be round to get her after sherry giving.

If she refuses to get in the car I'd tell him to just come home.

Surely she would get in?!

Good call @rwalker

We have just moved. We are living in a rental (we have rented out our own house). It’s fine-just not what we would have chosen in terms of some of the decor, and it’s very open plan. She has been once, declared it ‘interesting’ which is code for she thinks it horribke and she won’t stay over. The irony.

We have cancelled it. It was to a sort of adults only swish hotel, not something my mum would enjoy, and it was spendy. Plus she won’t consider leaving her house at Christmas at all.

Could you sleep on a blow up bed in the lounge? I'd make that my hard line (sleeping in the bed your dad died in is an ask too far, I think).

Would she spend Christmas day & night in a hotel somewhere with you? You could go over first thing Christmas morning to be there when she wakes and sees the brass band then head out for the day/night?

Or you mentioned your brother, the golden child, maybe he could come over for Christmas and pull his weight - this should not all be on you. (I know, I have a golden child sibling of my own, comes home once twice a year and the sun shines out his arse and he 'thanks me' for doing stuff for my own parents)

Not at all relevant but I wonder if your Mum lives in the same village as me, we have the band playing down through the village on Christmas Day, it is a real part of Christmas for us and it's not the same if I am away.
When my Mum died my Dad was the opposite, he didn't want to be at home so he comes to me.

He says it’s not possible. He did say she could go to him-she refused

In Derbyshire?

Absolutely not. Op is grieving too, that guilt trip post of yours @StrongandNorthern is awful.