Christmas with my newly widowed Mum

[piscofrisco]

We lost my lovely Dad at the end of August. It was quite a traumatic death in terms of the pain he was in during his last two days and the support we were not given by the NHS. (This is vaguely relevant). DH and I had booked to go away at Christmas (before Dad died). We have had an awful three years really and as we have no kids this year (they are with their respective other parents), we had treated ourselves to Christmas in the French alps. We have cancelled this, as we couldn’t leave my Mum alone (my sister doesn’t speak to her and my brother lives abroad). There was no real choice about this and it’s the right thing to do. However the thought of Christmas Day is making me really upset. Mum is insisting on us going to her house. It’s uncomfortable and now holds horrible memories of dad’s last days. We will have to sleep in the bed he died in. Dad loved Christmas and it will be a bit distressing, just DH, Mum and I sitting there with a dad shaped hole at the end of the table. We have suggested going out for lunch, to at least make it a bit different but Mum point blank refuses. I know it’s only one day but I am dreading it disproportionally.

Its been an awful three months, dad dying, my dd2 going off to uni, (proud of her but miss her dreadfully), a house move we were forced into to a place we know no one at all except my step sons, my peri meno symptoms going mad. No sleep and feel physically awful. I’m sure all of that is contributing to how I’m feeling-but Does anyone have any ideas on how this can be made better or reframed? The thought of is already making me quite tearful.

If she wont go out and you don't want to sleep there which is totally fair, you might need to stand up for yourself and your husband, and just not stay.

I probably wouldn't say anything it might just cause you hassle that you don't need.

OP you know even if you suck it all up and sleep in that bed for 2 nights it isn’t going to make your DM happy.

Gently, with her age she is likely going to have to get used to some bigger changes over the coming years. You live 1.5 hrs away so if she needs help and support if her health declines, then she may need to move. You may also need to put in boundaries of what you will and will not do, and wanting to be comfortable sleeping without excessive memories on Christmas night seems like a reasonable request to me.

You are all grieving, your DMs being a bit ( understandably) hypocritical as she doesn’t want to sleep in that bed but expects you to.

I can see that if your mother is unwilling you really can’t physically drag her out to lunch! But you are in control of what you do & I would absolutely leave abour 8-9 pm on Xmas Day and not sleep there. To sleep on the bed your dad died in would be truly shocking and from what you have said it sounds most unlikely he would have wanted to inflict this on you.

I also would not come back on Boxing Day. Is there really any need to? (I think this idea that Xmas has to be a multi day event is oppressive & a fairly modern innovation.) You could offer to take your mother over to your home Xmas evening if she does not want to be left alone. If she doesn’t come, you could have a lovely meal with your dh on Boxing Day & make it special.

I do appreciate your mother is old & grieving after a horrible loss but she does also sound quite selfish/unaware of others’ needs & uncompromising. You will have a lot on in terms of supporting her over the next 10 years or so - it is very draining & difficult. So it is really important to find ways to carve out time for you & dh, & to care for your own well-being- otherwise you will not really be able to care for her either. In that sense, Xmas is more than just a day. It matters that you find some joy in it yourself, too.

I think I would push back on this. Tell her you won't sleep a wink in that bed. Tell her it's bad for your back or your dhs back, whatever- and that she can come to yours if she wants Xmas with you.

I think its telling that your sister doesn't speak to her and your brother lives abroad. However I don't think you should be the one who sacrifices everything in the arrangement.

We have a similar situation and wrt to dh being the only available sibling..

The thing is, you can't protect her further new reality which is she has to live alone. She's been getting used to that since your lovely dad died. I would be very clear that you will come on Christmas Eve and leave Christmas night. If you leave at seven or eight, it would still give you time for a drink once home. You could phone her when you get home.

I think you are going to have to have a blunt and honest conversation. Yes she will be upset and maybe a bit offended but it’s Christmas for all of you. Not just her.

I would say you don’t want to just feel a Dad shaped hole in the day and want to do a few things differently. I know this is the first year but you are setting a marker for future years too.

I’d be really blunt about the bed too. Just tell her you find it way to upsetting to sleep in the bed that has such awful memories. I had to be blunt with my Dad about how uncomfortable the spare beds were at my parents’ house. And a few other things. He did change the beds. I offered to buy new ones but he did it. Maybe you could offer to buy a new bed and bedding?

She can't force you to go on her terms. If I were you, I would try to re-book your holiday, or if that's not possible, just stay at home. Don't worry about your mother being "alone" at Christmas, because 1) it's not a big deal and 2) she has caused this situation by not compromising with you.
You need to start as you mean to go on, otherwise you'll be stuck at mother's every Christmas for the next 10 years!

We have offered this already. And to get a new carpet- the one in there is stairs beyond repair for where he threw up that horrible Black Death bile just before he died. She has refused the bed as the one on their was quite new and says she will ‘get round to the carpet’.
I thought you would all tell me I'm being precious about the bed so thankyou at least for validating my feelings about it.

I don’t think it would be right to leave her alone however awkward she is being. Next year there will be less choice as we will have our four kids with us-there would be no room at Mums for all of us, so she will have to suck it up and come to us. But she knows we don’t have that issue this year and it’s the first one without Dad so we can’t just leave her to it.

Why does your sister not speak to her OP?

I’ve just spotted the part about your sister not talking to her. That’s very telling.

Are you prepared to do this every Christmas going forward while your mum is still here? Because that’s what you’re setting yourself up for.

Your mum sounds complex it must be exhausting.

*stained beyond repair

If you do go (and I have a mother in what sounds like very similar circs) what I do is prep and prep hard.

so:
Christmas jigsaw
second hand bookstores often have Christmas themed books - interestingly these usually fit into either a murder at Christmas or romantic Christmas, not much in between
I also have a selection of Christmas dvds which we sometimes watch -muppets Christmas carol, the snowman etc.
can you go to church in the morning? It’s not for everyone but the Xmas morning service can be lovely
who will be cooking? Can you make that an “activity” as it were?

honestly last Xmas day afternoon my mum and so booked our summer holiday together.

Well I think you are going to have to be really really blunt. “Mum I am going to be really honest here and say that we are dreading Christmas. We are all upset about losing Dad but the thoughts of sleeping in the bed he died in and having to see that carpet stain all the time is horrific. I’m really sorry but we need to get that sorted before we can come and stay.”

This is perfect no faffing straight to the point,

I think you just have to grit your teeth and do it. It is just one day and there will only be one first Christmas Day after being widowed.

Or reinstate your holiday and take her with you.

You are all grieving but unfortunately this is your mum's new reality. As it's the first year I wouldn't stay Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I would go early ish on Christmas morning, stay until about 8 to 9pm then drive home. Not being able to drink would be a small compromise to be able to sleep in my own bed and spend a lovely Boxing Day with my DH. You need to set boundaries otherwise Christmas will be awful for you. She can't dictate everything, that's not fair. I wouldn't expect this of my daughter.

It’s probably 6 and two threes between them. She is not my sisters mum, (her mum died when my sister was 9) but she was married to my dad when my sister turned 13 ish. My sister has never accepted it (she is slightly nutty to be fair and was very possessive over my Dad for his whole life-when he died you would have been forgiven for thinking he only had one child the way she behaved). My sister is now 64 (she is 20 years older than me. She still behaves like a snarky teenager around my Mum. She clearly as alot of unresolved issues about her own Mums death but won’t seek help. My Mum for her part can be quite abrupt and critical and she stopped even trying with my sister about ten years ago. They barely tolerated each other when Dad was alive and actually argued non stop over him
when he was literally dying. (I am angry with them
both about this). She lives about 10 mins from Mum but hasn’t seen her since the funeral which is clearly just how it will be going forwards.

What is it I see posted on here?
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are sacrificing everything yourself to try and make someone happy who won't appreciate what you've done, and still won't be happy.
Don't do it.
If she's not prepared to compromise then you need to walk away and put yourself first. I know it sounds brutal but I've watched friends and relatives sacrifice their own lives and wants for people who took them for granted.

Sorry or your loss. I also think you should go with your mums wishes for one day but make it clear that you will be changing it up next year. I lost my mum this year and thankfully my Dad is adamant that he doesn't want to do the same tradition of having Xmas dinner at his house so we are eating out even though he knows I will cook if he wanted to stay home. Its still going to be such a painful day, I don't even want to think about yet but for one day I am in the 'do it for mum' camp (and think about if that's what your Dad would want too). Its going to be horrific wherever you are.

You are right really. It’s just finding the energy for that conversation. She won’t like it. She is coming to us tomorrow for her birthday so maybe an attempt at a gentle chat could be in order

Be blunt with her, if she won’t compromise she will be spending Christmas alone.

I know it’s easier said than done, I had two awful christmases with my dad when it was just us left, and in some ways I’d rather have the guilt of not being there than the awful memories clouding the 40 other lovely Christmasses we had.

Is there room for a camp bed in the lounge? So you could sleep in there instead of the bedroom.