Friendship with married man making me uneasy

Beautifulbouquet · 2025-10-25T15:53:33+00:00

I've had various friends who were married men...might go for drinks, phonecalls occasionally, texts. Straightforward. I've recently had a married man befriend me but he never ever mentions his wife or kids. I'm pretty sure he hasn't told his wife about me. He's now asked me for lunch, his treat, and he'll pick me up. On the surface this shouldn't be a problem. He doesn't flirt or act inappropriately. I tried asking questions that would involve him talking about his wife but he never refers to her at all. He lives several hundred miles away from me but detours to see me when travelling for business. He's great to talk to, fun to spend time with and has been a good friend so I don't want to back off the friendship for no good reason. But I find this a bit odd. Am I overthinking?

AgnesX · 25/10/2025 16:59

If you know he's married then this is affair territory for him. Hence not so much as a mention of his wife or family. Please don't kid yourself otherwise.

BIWI · 25/10/2025 17:02

I’d ask him directly, and make it clear that while you enjoy the friendship, you’re not in this for anything more. (Assuming you’re not?!)

EnchantingDecorations · 25/10/2025 17:04

How did you befriend him when he lives 100s of miles away? I’d say he is looking for an affair. Even if he’s playing it cool.

Douane · 25/10/2025 17:27

Well now let's see.
This man lives hundreds of miles away, makes it his business to detour out of his way to meet up with you.
You respond by agreeing to do this.
Despite you encouraging him, and giving him every opportunity to speak about his wife, he doesn't.
Usually your men friends and you go out for a drink, text, calling you on the phone, occasionally, straightforward, as in on the level.
This man is taking you out for dinner.
Then what?
You know very well what's happening even your own intuition is telling you that you feel uneasy.
I don't really know what you're asking for, encouragement?

DiscoBob · 25/10/2025 17:33

Can't you just say 'that sounds suspiciously like a date? As such I'm not really comfortable with that. Maybe we can catch up for a coffee or something though.'

rubyslippers · 25/10/2025 17:34

How did he befriend you?

someepeoplearenice · 25/10/2025 17:50

Just say outright that you want to be clear, for the avoidance of doubt, that this will only ever be a friendship and you have no interest in ever having sex with him.

If you never hear from him again you will know what his motivations really were.

I had a married man become friends with me but he did talk about his wife, and introduce me to her several times, so I was never worried that he was anything other then just being friendly.

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 17:53

The question I’d ask is - Does your wife know about me and your suggestion of a meal?

Thunderytoday · 25/10/2025 17:54

I have had to halt a few friendships with men when it’s clear it could be more than that on their part. I don’t think you should see him.

Starseeking · 25/10/2025 18:01

In what context, and how, did he befriend you?

EnchantingDecorations · 25/10/2025 18:12

In my early 20s I naively thought I could make friends with married men through work or hobbies, go out for a drink or meal on my own with them and that would all be cool. Well, no it wasn’t cool, every single time it turned out they had more than friendship in mind. I cringe looking back and feel for their wives. I still make friends with married men through work and hobbies, I also have very long term male friends from school etc. I never see any of them on their own, it’s always in a group with or without partners. We all know this unwritten rule. I don’t think any of them is interested in an affair with me. But if they asked to see me on my own (barring emergencies) it would be a no because we know where that can lead. I think you do too.

FrodoBiggins · 25/10/2025 18:16

"I've recently had a married man befriend me but he never ever mentions his wife or kids"

What an incredibly odd and passive way to describe this relationship.

Do you mean "I've made friends with a man"?

Why don't you just ask him about his wife?

If you're not capable of making it clear to another adult that you don't want to date them you probably shouldn't be going out on your own with anyone.

FrodoBiggins · 25/10/2025 18:19

EnchantingDecorations · 25/10/2025 18:12

In my early 20s I naively thought I could make friends with married men through work or hobbies, go out for a drink or meal on my own with them and that would all be cool. Well, no it wasn’t cool, every single time it turned out they had more than friendship in mind. I cringe looking back and feel for their wives. I still make friends with married men through work and hobbies, I also have very long term male friends from school etc. I never see any of them on their own, it’s always in a group with or without partners. We all know this unwritten rule. I don’t think any of them is interested in an affair with me. But if they asked to see me on my own (barring emergencies) it would be a no because we know where that can lead. I think you do too.

Sorry that you had bad experiences but you've really internalised some odd and very conservative attitudes to sex here. It's not "naive" to think you can be friends with members of the opposite sex ffs we're not living in 1880.

PhuckTrump · 25/10/2025 18:19

I mean….are you morally okay going on a date with a married man? Because this is what it is.

ginasevern · 25/10/2025 18:24

@Beautifulbouquet "In my early 20s I naively thought I could make friends with married men through work or hobbies, go out for a drink or meal on my own with them and that would all be cool."

You don't know much about men yet and I doubt most of their wives would think it was cool. Could you try "befriending" unmarried men if that's not too uncool for you?

arcticpandas · 25/10/2025 18:30

You know he wants more and this is what makes you uncomfortable. Listen to that feeling and be very straight forward with him. Like "I hope your wife is OK with you having female friends? Maybe she could come with you sometime, it would be nice to meet her so she could see it's obvious we are just platonic friends."

user793847984375948 · 25/10/2025 18:48

So, he's trying to shag you. As will most men who pretend to be your friend.

PeonyPatch · 25/10/2025 18:49

Sounds like an affair. Sorry OP. I’d avoid as much as possible!!!

EnchantingDecorations · 25/10/2025 19:20

FrodoBiggins · 25/10/2025 18:19

Sorry that you had bad experiences but you've really internalised some odd and very conservative attitudes to sex here. It's not "naive" to think you can be friends with members of the opposite sex ffs we're not living in 1880.

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You seem to have misunderstood. The naive part was to think that I could meet married men, become friends then go out on my own with them in date type scenarios and expect nothing to happen. They weren't bad experiences, more whoops, but I feel bad for the wives. I don't think it's impossible to be friends with men, I have several close male friends. As I said in the first post.

FrodoBiggins · 25/10/2025 19:27

EnchantingDecorations · 25/10/2025 19:20

You seem to have misunderstood. The naive part was to think that I could meet married men, become friends then go out on my own with them in date type scenarios and expect nothing to happen. They weren't bad experiences, more whoops, but I feel bad for the wives. I don't think it's impossible to be friends with men, I have several close male friends. As I said in the first post.

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I didn't misunderstand anything. You say you never spend any time with a man alone now unless it's an emergency. I think that's sad.

I don't know what you mean by "date type scenarios". Going to the pub alone with a man is not a date type scenario if you're just friends. If you were going out for candlelit dinners or sleepovers with married men then I think unless you were a total idiot you knew that was out of line.

EnchantingDecorations · 25/10/2025 19:43

I didn't say that at all but never mind. I just think that going out for drinks and meals on your own with married men that you've just become friends with is likely to lead to them hoping for more than friendship. When I was younger I was naive to think that they just wanted to be friends but that proved to not be the case. Which is where I think the OP is heading. That's all. I spend plenty of time on my own with married men with no issues at all. Just not in situations where they might feel it was a date.

FrodoBiggins · 25/10/2025 20:09

EnchantingDecorations · 25/10/2025 19:43

I didn't say that at all but never mind. I just think that going out for drinks and meals on your own with married men that you've just become friends with is likely to lead to them hoping for more than friendship. When I was younger I was naive to think that they just wanted to be friends but that proved to not be the case. Which is where I think the OP is heading. That's all. I spend plenty of time on my own with married men with no issues at all. Just not in situations where they might feel it was a date.

Ok don't want to derail the thread so whatever but I don't understand what kind of point you're trying to make.

You said "I also have very long term male friends from school etc. I never see any of them on their own" which I think is so sad.

But you also said "I spend plenty of time on my own with married men with no issues at all"

So it's not clear which is true and which is a lie but nothing you say is massively relevant to OPs point so 💁

Bumdrops · 25/10/2025 20:12

OP asks if she is overthinking ……

I would suggest there is not much sign of OP thinking at all !!!!!

GreenBlorgle · 25/10/2025 20:15

EnchantingDecorations · 25/10/2025 19:20

You seem to have misunderstood. The naive part was to think that I could meet married men, become friends then go out on my own with them in date type scenarios and expect nothing to happen. They weren't bad experiences, more whoops, but I feel bad for the wives. I don't think it's impossible to be friends with men, I have several close male friends. As I said in the first post.

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Is a ‘date type scenario’ going for a coffee or a drink or a film, as envisaged by the sexually-overheated imaginations of Mn? That’s only a date if you’re dating, or auditioning the person for a romantic relationship. I have male friends I do all these things with, regardless of their marital status, and no one has made a pass at anyone. I’m baffled by the weird restrictions so many posters on here put on their own lives.

FrodoBiggins · 25/10/2025 20:24

GreenBlorgle · 25/10/2025 20:15

Is a ‘date type scenario’ going for a coffee or a drink or a film, as envisaged by the sexually-overheated imaginations of Mn? That’s only a date if you’re dating, or auditioning the person for a romantic relationship. I have male friends I do all these things with, regardless of their marital status, and no one has made a pass at anyone. I’m baffled by the weird restrictions so many posters on here put on their own lives.

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I agree with you. I have lovely male friends (married and not) and enjoy spending time with them in groups or one on one. My DH equally has female friends who he spends time with without me. I think our lives would be duller without that.
Sadly @EnchantingDecorations doesn't seem to be able to get her story straight so who knows what she thinks.
OPs issue seems to be not being straight with this man, and vice versa. Just say you don't want to date him ffs