Friendship with married man making me uneasy

[Beautifulbouquet]

I've had various friends who were married men...might go for drinks, phonecalls occasionally, texts. Straightforward.

I've recently had a married man befriend me but he never ever mentions his wife or kids. I'm pretty sure he hasn't told his wife about me.

He's now asked me for lunch, his treat, and he'll pick me up.

On the surface this shouldn't be a problem. He doesn't flirt or act inappropriately.

I tried asking questions that would involve him talking about his wife but he never refers to her at all.

He lives several hundred miles away from me but detours to see me when travelling for business.

He's great to talk to, fun to spend time with and has been a good friend so I don't want to back off the friendship for no good reason.

But I find this a bit odd. Am I overthinking?

I’m wary of forming friendships with men too, after my experiences though I’ve found that mentioning my dh and dc to keep them at arms length now. I just don’t put myself in 1:1 situations anymore, except when there’s an obvious work focus. I have a one long term friendship with a man who was never interested in me, that I know from college and would occasionally grab a coffee with, when we bump into each other. But I’ve also had a few like that who suddenly developed an interest when their marriages had got boring and then dropped all contact when they realised I wasn’t a back up fuck. There was another, years ago, who tried to seduce me three days before his wedding ffs. Whatever they think they meant by “friendship” was very different to my definition.

It’s also very noticeable to me that in my hobby groups and courses, women are often rushing back to their families and too busy to grab a coffee, or a quick drink. But men, have time to spare to spend with a woman they purportedly have no ulterior interest in, even when there are small dc to bathe and put to bed.

I know I’m jaded and maybe it’s not all men etc but I just prefer the simple life.

I think you’re wanting a forum to confirm to you that he likes you more than a friend! I suspect you feel more for him than friendship also.

This is really unfair to his wife and she deserves better.

Im happily married and have some married male friends. However if I feel that one of them is a bit "off" and may want more I knock that on the head immediately. You can test this by asking about his wife and kids and see if he's happy to talk about them, you could also suggest meeting up with your partner too and see how he reacts. My bet is that he wouldn't want that because he's plotting an affair. If you have doubts time to call it a day.

No I don't like him as more than a friend and if I did I definitely wouldn't continue contact with him.

How did you befriend him in the first place if he lives 100s of miles away ?

I do not have a partner. I either push for questions on his wife but I don't want that to be misinterpreted itself or for him to discuss private details if his marriage. Just a "Sandra's been busy at work this month. Wete looking forward to a dinner out at the weekend" sort of thing.

We met online. I've met many of my real life friends online and these are years long friendships where we meet weekly or so so to me there's no problem with meeting online.

I am single and have been for many years but if my husband befriended a woman online and detoured many miles to take her out, I would have questions. Maybe because this is how my marriage ended.

But I am going to guess his wife does not know.

No one is this naive...

This is affair territory op. For him if not for you. You must know this. I’d be knocking this on the head.

Oh , I’ve never heard of people making friendships on line before 🤷🏻‍♀️, like on line dating obviously but never friendships ..
What sites are they , where people make friends ?..
Not mentioning his wife & kids ever , good indication I’d say that he’s looking for more than friendship ..
Sorry but I think it’s weird Married people on line looking for “ friends “ 🙄

First thing that I thought of reading your OP was that you’re an escort. It sounds like you’re actively looking for married men to befriend, to add to some sort of list.
it all just sounds weird. I doubt their wives are aware, and you ought to back off and find some friends who are single.

I’d cancel the lunch OP. You’ve clearly got an unwary feeling.

I fear this. And I think the only reason I'm second guessing myself is that he's reserved in general and has explained that. So he also doesn't talk in detail about work or his hobbies.

I think regardless of what he's consciously thinking, the fact I know I can have really normal friendships with men, and this feels different means you are right.

Yes. I obviously don't want any part in anyone's marriage breakup, difficulties, deceit or any of it!

But how online? He doesn’t live anywhere near you, and you only ‘met’ him recently, so why would he be going a long way out of his way to take you for lunch? Have you actually met him in the flesh before this?

How do you meet online?

I don’t know anyone in real life who makes lots of friends of the opposite sex who are married. Most married men are working, or spending time with their family or mates. Not making new friends with random women from the internet.

Very unusual in my opinion.

Hi @Beautifulbouquet
I would be wary of giving address to be picked up because what you know about him is what he has told you about him 🤔

If you smell a rat, trust your instincts. You are askkng questions and not getting any information, partner not even coming up in general chit chat is odd, if his intentions are platonic. Be direct and ask what his wife would say about you potentially having dinner together (then cool the friendship or it most likely will end in tears).

I can't imagine you are the first "friend" he has met this way and won't be the last 🙄

I’m married, and my male friends are, or have been, married, but I met them through work, or our children, or through a shared interest. If someone I hardly knew of either sex was detouring solely to see me on work trips, I’d think it was deeply odd.

Well this time there is a problem with it. He's married, lives a long distance away and wants to take you out whilst on a business trip. Would his wife have a problem with that, do you think?

But how do you meet online?

Outside of the scope of relevance but as this is an obsession of some posters here are some ways you meet online:

A support forum for relatives of people with Parkinson's
A campaigning group working on public rights of way
A Discord band fan group
A writers' mutual critique site

I don't think people asking this are either engaging with the core issue or can possibly (given that they are literally posting on an online chat site) need this answering.

I will say we met using our real names, real profile pictures etc unlike the people asking in shocked tones how you meet people online as if it were 1995.

Married men making friends with, and meeting up with, single women online is a huge red flag. No matter how “innocent” the first meeting is (lunch). That’s not his long game. The distance is a bonus—reduced risk of friends and family seeing him out on his date.

You don't appear to see the wood for the trees. I am being blunt with your welfare at heart.

"The issue" to you is not wishing for anything beuond friendship with this married friend.

Like a rubbish panto, we are screaming "behind you" and you dismiss people asking about how they got to be in your life. It is relevant although not your main issue.

Wood = they are married.
The trees = making significant detours to see you (covertly?). They have an agenda. It is building. Please do not deflect or ignore this...

He’s meeting you covertly behind his wife’s back and you’re wondering if you are overthinking?