Friendship with married man making me uneasy

[Beautifulbouquet]

I've had various friends who were married men...might go for drinks, phonecalls occasionally, texts. Straightforward.

I've recently had a married man befriend me but he never ever mentions his wife or kids. I'm pretty sure he hasn't told his wife about me.

He's now asked me for lunch, his treat, and he'll pick me up.

On the surface this shouldn't be a problem. He doesn't flirt or act inappropriately.

I tried asking questions that would involve him talking about his wife but he never refers to her at all.

He lives several hundred miles away from me but detours to see me when travelling for business.

He's great to talk to, fun to spend time with and has been a good friend so I don't want to back off the friendship for no good reason.

But I find this a bit odd. Am I overthinking?

OP I'm sorry this thread has been so unhelpful - MN is very funny about male-female friendships as well as generally uncomprehending of online friendships.

I've been online for over two decades and made many, many friends across various interests - like you they've been male, female, married, single, gay, straight, trans, and they exist all over the world. And like you the majority of my friendships with married men have rung no alarm bells. When I've met them IRL I've often met their partners too.

I think in light of the fact that you know what a normal platonic friendship with a man you met online looks like, and this one particularly is ringing alarm bells, I'd pay attention to them. Avoiding talking about his family is one - it's not that it should be a top conversational topic and more that you shouldn't feel he's evading it. Offering to buy you lunch is another - I don't think going to a restaurant with a man is inherently a date but one person treating the other to it moves it close to that territory. Frankly I wouldn't let a man treat me to a restaurant meal unless I was in an actual relationship with them.

Thank you @GelatinousDynamo and @Randomer75

I don't think he wants sex with me. I don't think he wants to blow up his marriage. I worry he's enjoying sailing closer to the edge than is wise and I think he's liking the illucitness. I think he likes the ego boost and the idea that he has a secret but at the time it's innocent.

Ideally I'd like to keep the friendship but on clear terms that his wife needs to know. However if as I suspect he's not mentioned me before it's going to be difficult to do now as...why the secrecy.

Ultimately I think the friendship will end, though there's a chance his wife is aware of me and I'm worrying about nothing. I know very very little of her but have no reason to think she's hysterical or insecure. I'm also very easy to look up online and have published articles on authenticity, intentional relationships and other topics which I think make it clear to anyone I centre around my values.

If he raises lunch ideas (we have no fixed day) then I can ask this.l before agreeing to meet. His reaction will tell me what I need to know. The fact I'm so hesitant to do this probably tells me a lot about my gut instinct here too. I won't contact him and actually I don't think I ever have initiated contact.

Thanks again to those who took me at my level x

A bit surprised at your response OP. It was a no brainer from your original post so I don’t understand why you are annoyed that everyone has said it’s a bad idea to continue and your gut instinct is correct.

Your follow up responses did help clear up some issues but whilst some details were clear some were concerning, and the overall tone came across as defensive and seemed to be arguing that it was not blindingly obvious that you are being moved from friends to Friends with benefits territory.

However not all posters have to agree and are allowed to debate with others on the thread, unless you want to reply to each poster in person to ensure thread isn’t derailed. However given the sensible lack of information- age, life experience, location etc etc it’s not unreasonable for people to fill in gaps and not rtft , or get the wrong end of the stick on MN.

Personally I am glad you have clarified that you aren’t putting yourself at risk though naivety and get giving out your personal details to strangers that you have no way of knowing if they are telling you the truth.

Thanks @Yessiricanboogieallnightlong

I am not at all annoyed at being told it's a bad idea. I was frustrated by ridiculous misreadings and being called an escort and told repeatedly I hoped he fancied me. Because they're poor readings of the tone and values in my original post and the feeling of being on the end of that is unpleasant and is not fair.

I'm allowed an opinion on my life and I'm allowed to stick to facts.

Exactly- this is very well put.

OP- you say you have lots of friends from all walks of life so I dont quite understand why you seem to be having such a hard time getting rid of this one. He lives miles and miles away from you anyway, is being shady about his intentions and yet you seem to be struggling to let him go.

You have lots of friends, you dont need to rely on a shady married man for friendship surely?

I’m not inventing details. You’ve posted about a married man keeping you a secret from his wife (at least you suspect this) and as you say yourself, making you uneasy - and yet you’ve also said you want to keep the friendship.

Why do you want to keep a friendship with a man who lies to his wife and ‘makes you uneasy’ and at best is using you to enjoy the illicit thrill of sailing too close to the wind (your words), at worst is hoping to shag you behind his wife’s back.

Someone making you uncomfortable is absolutely enough reason to step away from a friendship. If posters have been more challenging than you’d like, I hope at least it’s given you the reassurance you say you needed that it’s ok to step away. I wonder if you will?

I think this is a good idea, OP. You don't need to make a massive deal of it, just say, I just want to check before we arrange to meet that your wife knows and is fine with it? It's just something I am sensitive about - I would hate to cause a problem in a friend's marriage.

If he is innocent, he will understand and say, yes of course she is fine with it, she isn't the jealous type. Or, I hadn't mentioned it but am happy to, something like that.

If he reacts angrily or suddenly goes quiet you will know he isn't the good friend you hope he is.

He may even use it to test the waters for an affair, and start telling you about how she is a jealous harridan who doesn't understand him. You seem an intelligent woman of the world, so I am sure you will recognise this for what it is if it happens.

People on here can be a bit funny about male/female friendships. The only person I have ever met with quite the same views on real life, was my controlling ex, who was convinced I was shagging every man of my acquaintance (and half the women too) every hour, on the hour, until it got to the point I wished I had been!

Each to their own in relationships, as long as it's fair and both partners abide by the same rules.

But it is very possible for straight (and bi) men and women to have opposite sex friends, even married ones, with no suspicion of ill intent.

I also think (perhaps more complicatedly) that when in a committed relationship, you may have some friends who you do acknowledge are attractive and you think, if you were single, they would definitely be your type. But you aren't, or they aren't, so you just stop as friends.

I have had married male friends in the past ask me if I think we would be together if they were single. And I just shrug it off and say, well, you are not, and I am a nightmare in relationships anyway, ask all my exes!

And with those friends I am careful, as stated above, to ensure their wives know of my existence and any social plans we have. And I wouldn't, say, go on an overnight trip with those friends unless the kids were going too....

Affairs don't happen without the express intention of both parties. To put it crudely, you don't trip, fall, and land on someone's dick. So as long as you know you won't shag a married man, which you seem very clear on, you are fine, OP!

People on here can be a bit funny about male/female friendships. The only person I have ever met with quite the same views on real life, was my controlling ex

I disagree completely that its "controlling" to find it odd or uncomfortable (as the wife) if your husband were to strike up a friendship with a single woman he met online, lives hundreds of miles away from, and drives out of his way to buy her lunch during a work trip.

I have male friends and my husband has female friends, no probs at all, but we both know each other, we meet up as a group often and my husband isnt driving hundreds of miles to meet up with single women (that I havent met and dont know about) to have lunch with them. Alone.

If he were, then I would find that extremely odd and disrespectful behaviour. That isnt "controlling" on my part, it's simply wanting a respectful and honest relationship.

Its very obvious what this bloke wants and its not friendship.

I said my ex was controlling, because he was. He tracked me; he insisted on knowing all my passwords; he wouldn't let me have keys to the house I paid for - I could go on but I don't want to, it's too upsetting. I did not say that having a problem with my male friends was the only thing that was controlling about him, because it wasnt. In his case, it was part of a tapestry of controlling and abusive behaviours.

I also clearly said I have no problem with any rules that couples have in their relationship, as long as both observe the same rules. This did not happen in my case, of course. There were apparently no restrictuins on his opposite-sex friendships, yet many on mine.

I am pleased you and your husband have agreed to rules that work for you. It's absolutely no business of anyone else's, as long as you are both happy with them and noone is coerced into agreeing to anything. I assume that's true in your case? So, brilliant. Crack on. I wish my relationship had included such equality, but it didn't.

OP's friend could well be a wrong'un, and be hoping to cheat. Or he might just like her and have stuff in common with her - also within the realms of possibility. She has decided to ask him about whether his wife knows, before she meets him, and I think that's a good call.

Do you have a problem with it?

@tragichero well no, you said; "People on here can be a bit funny about male/female friendships. The only person I have ever met with quite the same views on real life, was my controlling ex"

So, you are saying people on MN are "funny" about male/female friendships then you said the only person you know in real life like that was your controlling ex.

Most people in this thread have expressed very clearly why this scenario the OP explains would make them uncomfortable and even the OP said it makes her "uneasy" - therefore I dont think the people here are indicating a "controlling" nature at all. I think most people in this thread are exhibiting common sense about the way this man has presented himself - which isnt as trust worthy.

I think its unfair to suggest that the OP is getting the responses that she is due to MN being "controlling" when this man is exhibiting huge red flags.

For what it is worth, whether the person was male/female/anygender, my response stands. You arent the first/last friend. Slowly slowly catchy monkey and you appear to know (somewhere within you) that is their real motive. I mean, the significant detour would tell me this isn't typical friendship behaviour, more a relationship (or one in the making) @Beautifulbouquet

😂 🤣

Says the person whose posting history is littered with men who treat her with complete disrespect and she has to ask strangers why that is

You don't command respect either. Stay away from married men!
Signed, all married women!

Really uncalled for OP. That’s a totally normal, reasonable and politely expressed response from poodle. Your response is way over the top, defensive and rude.

You came on an anonymous forum, asked for advice about a situation you said was making you uncomfortable, people have confirmed that you are right to feel uncomfortable. Your response suggests that what you actually wanted was to be told that actually it was a good idea!

It is not controlling to not want your husband to meet a random woman off the internet far from home - the majority of people (men and women) would not be happy with their partners doing this. It’s not a weird mn thing to have this view, it’s just normal, common sense, and trying to treat people with respect.

People who arrange cosy meet ups with other people’s husbands / wives don’t command respect.

Wow! Really unnecessary @Beautifulbouquet

why be friends with and meet a married man🤷‍♀️ Different if you’d been friends before he married.

No idea why your post was deleted OP but it seems to me that PP were right- you were absolutely hoping to hear that this man was into you.

Pathetic really. Find someone who is single.

why are you choosing to meet married men on social media? Stick to the single men.

Yeah, not a fan of advance search as a rule but it does sometimes help you to get the gist.

Apart from the titillation of knowing you are doing something you shouldn't, what else to you actually get from the association?

So many posts you have made. What do you actually want from the responses?

Just ask him if his wife knows about you and is okay with him meeting you.

In my relationahip, meeting someone of the opposite sex you met online, whatever the forum, for coffee, drinks or dinner would not be ok to do. I think for many couples this would be not ok. So even if he does have innocent intentions, his secrecy probably means his wife would not be ok with this. Therefore, either just ask him outright the issue or drop out of the friendship. It's not a friendship really if hes secretive and not truthful anyway.

He doesn't mention his wife or family because he wants to pretend he is single. He wants to have sex with you.