Friendship with married man making me uneasy

[Beautifulbouquet]

I've had various friends who were married men...might go for drinks, phonecalls occasionally, texts. Straightforward.

I've recently had a married man befriend me but he never ever mentions his wife or kids. I'm pretty sure he hasn't told his wife about me.

He's now asked me for lunch, his treat, and he'll pick me up.

On the surface this shouldn't be a problem. He doesn't flirt or act inappropriately.

I tried asking questions that would involve him talking about his wife but he never refers to her at all.

He lives several hundred miles away from me but detours to see me when travelling for business.

He's great to talk to, fun to spend time with and has been a good friend so I don't want to back off the friendship for no good reason.

But I find this a bit odd. Am I overthinking?

A married man doesn’t befriend a single woman then arranges dates and travels hundreds of miles to see her for no other reason than wanting an affair.
He doesn’t even have to travel hundreds of miles, just befriending a single woman and arranging dates is enough to know he wants an affair.
Sorry but men aren’t that interested in coffee and conversation with a random woman to bother to do that if they don’t want sex.

No need to be so unkind. OP has already said she’s concerned about his intentions and came here looking for advice.

Some people do have the odd gift of being able to make real friends online. I imagine it correlates to excessive internet consumption.

Agreed. I mean, friends are great but why are you choosing to meet all these married men that seek you out online?

No I agree with you completely. I actually have a fair few (female) friends I’ve met online. The one man I met in this way - ie online but not in a dating context, I ended up in a relationship anyway.

Married now, and considering my husband, plus all the men in my family and other married men I know - most of them are crap at keeping up with their existing friends let alone finding new ones online and going hundreds of miles out of their way to take their new friends for lunch.

Men and women can be friends yes, some men can spend time with some women with no romantic or sexual agenda. But there seems to be such a deliberate blindness on here sometimes (and particularly amongst women who seem to have an awful lot of married male friends) - I don’t know whether it’s that they know what’s really going on underneath and slightly enjoy that idea, but want to dress it up as being superior to all these silly jealous wives, or whether they really are blind to it. But if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck etc. A married man is cagey when discussing his wife/ home life and wants to ‘treat’ a single woman to a meal - a woman he’s not really got any reason to be in the vicinity of or spending time with and had no pre-existing relationship with, of course he’s not doing it from pure friendship and I refuse to believe anyone is so naive as to think it would be.

Many women believe that they can be just friends with men. But men and women are rarely “just friends” as far as the guys are concerned. If you don’t believe this, google “can men and women be just friends” and watch the videos of the men talking about it. Almost unanimously they indicate that they are secretly waiting in the wings for a fwb opportunity, or that they are secretly attracted and hoping something will develop. OP your intentions may be genuine, but his aren’t.

No he is not , wanting to meet up with the hopes of starting a friendship 🙄..
To be honest , unless single , married strangers of the opposite sex meeting online & arranging to meet up is wrong in my book ..
Imagine you now pp turning around to your husband & saying “ I met a lovely guy , Jack on line , we seen to get on great , I’m going meeting him for lunch next week “ like in all fairness ..
How ridiculous does that sound …

So when you're chatting outside of the Parkinson's support group, or whatever online forum you met on, what does he talk about, if not his family, work or hobbies? Must get boring just chatting about the weather all the time.

If you feel you are Pushing then is this a genuine friendship?

Exactly. I am sure OP will argue that these married online men are genuinely her good friends and yet she has to "push" for the most basic details of his everyday life. I dont have to push my friends to talk about their lives, they are open about it because thats normal when you have nothing to hide. Obviously, I am not talking private intimate details here but general details about what their spouses do for a living, their holidays, what they did at the weekend, their kids etc This is all very normal and usual conversation.

The fact he wont talk about his wife at all is a huge red flag and makes it glaringly obvious you really know nothing about this man at all aside from the fact he is travelling 100 miles to take a single female stranger out for lunch.

Come on OP - this is so obvious.

Yes, for someone who is 'reserved' does that make a convenient excuse to not talk about things he wants to hide?

Ask him a direct question mentioning his wife. Eg 'what's your wife doing today?' or 'doesn't your wife mind you asking me out for lunch?' It doesn't sound as if you have done that.

How did you find out about his family?

I don’t think so, I think people are checking it wasn’t “Tinder”.

In any case, your know perfectly well he has built this up into a date in his head (reserved means: never says stuff so doesn’t experience real life reactions at a stage where it won’t be mortifying).
He isn’t a friend
He doesn’t want ‘friendship’
Do you honestly think he makes hundreds of miles detours to ‘treat’ hi s guy friends?
It is a date.

@Randomer it's a ten mile detour on a journey of 500 miles...

@PullTheBricksDown I knew he was married with kids as he's referenced them online. He's never hidden it. It's only as time has gone on I've noticed he doesn't speak about them in the way other friends do about their partners.

Mainly my life: my business, my very ill father, pets, but also his parents and brothers and sisters...there's nothing unusual in the range of topics other than what I've stated already

You seem to be looking for reasons why it’s fine and completely platonic - either because you genuinely believe that, or because you want plausible deniability when it all blows up.

If it’s made you uncomfortable enough to start a mumsnet thread, it’s not fine and platonic. You don’t have to go for lunch with this married man who you only met online, do not live near, have no pre-existing relationship with, don't know his wife and who keeps that aspect of his life closed off from you for whatever reason. You mention other friends (albeit married men again but I’m going to give you credit for having other non-married men friends too, otherwise that’s a whole other problem and thread) - go for lunch with the non-problematic ones.

It’s as complicated as you want to make it and you seem to be wanting to make this one complicated for some reason.

Ask yourself honestly what answers were you secretly hoping this thread got - was a part of you hoping everyone would say he fancies you? Or were you hoping everyone would say it’s fine, no harm done, he’s just a friend - so you could continue doing what suits you despite knowing on some level it’s dodgy hence starting the thread in the first place? You don’t have to answer it’s no odds to me, but worth thinking about.

Can I clarify that I do not have lots of friends who are married men! Im saying that at the age of 48 I have over the years had friends who are male, female, trans, widowed, single, dating and gay or sometimes multiple of these things.

The point of the post, quite clearly, was that whilst I haven't ever felt a bit odd with other married male friends in the past, this was making me uneasy and I wasn't sure if I was overthinking.

Instead of which some posters are trying to make out I am hunting out married men: ridiculous and why would I ask for advice on the situation if that was my goal?

I am not interested in him romantically full stop. That was the point of the post.

I was hoping for since you ask advice on whether backing off the friendship altogether was an overreaction, or simply the lunch was an escalation but an occasional coffee when he was in town was ok...basically I was looking for replies that didn't invent details, focus on irrelevancies or accuse me of wanting to steal anyone's husband, which Im not remotely interested in!

FWIW there is a male friend who I would be up for dating...but he's single and it's not this guy!

I really don't know why you think I'd create a post called "making me uneasy" other than that this is making me uneasy. There's nothing remotely flattering about anyone thinking you're mistress material, so no I wasn't hoping to hear that.

From the point of view of a wife, I wouldn’t want my DH to befriend a single female and go with her on a lunch dates!
This is not your first friendship with a married man. You know how it ends, no doubt, so why are you even entertaining this???

Right, so you’re going to meet all sorts on your online journey through life , now you’re after meeting the married guy who I can safely say wants more than friendship 🤷🏻‍♀️..
If it feels off to you , chances are it is ..
I think it's bizzare that you’re surprised 😂..
I also am so surprised that you are 48 & have met married guys along the way ( strangers ) & all of them only ever wanted friendship..
Men always want sex , it’s just the way they are are wired , god love them 🤣

I think I'll bow out. Thanks to people engaging in the spirit of the post.

There's too many ridiculous inventions and slurs here for this to be a worthwhile conversation.

It doesn't matter how you meet a friend. Men and women can be friends. I have several male friends who don't fancy me remotely. I also have gay female friends who don't fancy me. I am not sexual catnip.

There was never a journey of hundreds of miles to see me...there was someone choosing to have coffee in the pleasant village where I live and a de-stress from a work trip rather than sitting alone in a service station...a ten mile detour whilst having time to kill before catching a ferry.

Meetings were in public places, amongst people I know, as the lunch would be. There are no flirty texts. There are no lingering looks. There are no hints. I've done nothing wrong but I've had some really nasty and frankly stupid comments that honestly just make me feel my best route in life is doing the opposite of whatever such spiteful people say.

I have a couple of long term male friends who are married.

When they suggest meeting, I am quite clear that I will only do so if their wife is informed about it and happy with the meet up.

I'm not completely stupid, I know that they could lie. But then they would run the risk of me posting the meet on my socials and tagging them and their wife finding out anyway (I am pretty active on social media and have both wives as friends, though I have never met the wives).

I feel this clearly signals my lack of interest in an affair. I do actually consider it possible both men are attracted to me/think I would make a good partner if they were single.

But unless they become single in the future it's never going to happen. And I believe my polite interest in their wives' feelings makes that clear.

Well I’m not spiteful , I was just saying that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️…
I was trying to lighten things up in the end & having a bit of a laugh 😂, completely harmless.
You need to have a sense of humour too OP 😊

Now , I’m off to shop for a cappuccino for myself , it’s rainy & miserable here in Ireland ..
Hope everyone has a good day X

OP, listen to your gut on this. It is clear what you are thinking- but what is he thinking?

@Beautifulbouquet I honestly don’t get why people have such a problem with this. Men and women can be friends without any sexual interest or anything “illicit” going on. People who find that impossible just have a very limited view of the world, in my opinion.

But to your actual question: I have male friends who are married, and I’ve either met their wives or at least heard a lot about them. People in healthy relationships talk about their families.

I think while you’re expecting a friendship, this man might be hoping for something more. If you still want to meet up, suggest coffee instead of lunch, and definitely don’t let him pay. If he tries to, just say something like, “That’d be weird, we’re not on a date” with a smile. If he pulls away after that, you’ll know. And if he doesn’t, at least you’ve made your boundaries clear.