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Original poster

Can I do anything? Ex husband won’t pay child maintenance after separating

42 replies

Wontpay · 22/10/2025 18:08

Myself and my husband separated a few weeks ago after I found out about his affair. He’s been quite controlling for a while and this has escalated since we split and police are now looking into it as coercive control. DC (under 1) and I have moved in with family because I didn’t feel safe to continue to live in that house as he was being quite unpredictable with moods and behaviour

I asked him via email for some money to cover babys day to day costs (I have been on unpaid maternity leave and awaiting my first pay check). He has refused until we have finalised contact arrangements for our child, saying CMS will incur more fees for us both and that he apparently wants to be able to agree outside of a system like that. My solicitor has advised me that he should have frequent supervised contact with baby only until trust and stability has been rebuilt. He is very unhappy with this and framing it as my emotional needs and saying there is no legal basis for it, when the reality is his behaviour has been concerning and intimidating. Professionals have said to me it is better and safer all round to let him choose to go to court if he wishes to if he’s refusing to see baby unless it’s on his terms/on his own. I have applied for CMS anyway because I quite literally can’t afford to just wait around for him to be ready to pay it and settling contact arrangements could take a while.

I know it can take a while, can I do anything in the mean time? They don’t backdate apparently. I’ll be paid soon enough but most of my now part-time wage will go on my share of the mortgage for a house I’m not even currently in, meanwhile his proposal is not paying a penny towards his child or me and hasn’t given anything since we left at all. I can’t wrap my head around that someone could do this to 2 people they ever loved, particularly your own child.

I weirdly feel guilty to him for applying for CMS because it’s not what he wanted but I’m right in thinking it’s unacceptable to just withhold support right?

OP posts:
BigMommasHouse · 22/10/2025 18:10

CMS is the way forward. Then you don’t have to deal with him and child maintenance won’t be another way he can torture you.

Arlanymor · 22/10/2025 18:11

He blew up your marriage - he doesn't get to call the shots and go outside of the system (which would only be for his benefit anyway). Go through the courts and CMS for supervision and payment respectively. Seek some advice as to what welfare support might be available to you in the meantime.

BigMommasHouse · 22/10/2025 18:12

Also stop considering him! He absolutely does not consider you and your child. It is unlikely you will be ‘friends’ or even ‘amicable’. Don’t let him manipulate you.

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BoringBarbie · 22/10/2025 18:13

He's a liar. CMS is a £20 fee to open it and that's it. If he pays on time via direct pay there are no other fees. Don't feel a bit guilty.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/10/2025 18:18

CMS is the right way. Do not be swayed. I can also tell you that you can stop paying the mortgage. My ex husband did this. I was completely dependent on him financially and had a disabled toddler. There was no penalty for him just stopping paying. They were only interested that it was paid. I got some help with the interest as a carer.

Please minimise contact, get a parenting app,
stick to your solicitors advice. Don’t be controlled or intimidated by him AT ALL. His power is your fear. You’ll be fine!

Cerialkiller · 22/10/2025 18:26

Agreed, it isn't expected that you pay the mortgage on a property you aren't living in. He is benefiting from the whole property so he can pay for the whole property. He will still need to pay cm, don't let him tell you that him paying the mortgage somehow offsets his payment for your baby, it isn't true.

If it bothers him so much he can sell the property and split the assets.

Who's name is the house in? If just his then register your interest on land registry. You are married and it's the marital property. You should get at least half unless you are very high paid compared to him or have a massive pension.

Expect him to play silly buggers and demand 50/50 care as soon as he needs to pay you anything.

Mum4MrA · 22/10/2025 18:28

Have you looked to see if you can claim any government benefits? Sending you strength to navigate the times ahead.

Helpmethrough · 22/10/2025 18:29

Can you claim for UC? It takes 5 weeks but you may be entitled to it if part time

tripleginandtonic · 22/10/2025 18:30

If you're not living in the house don't pay the mortgage.

Original poster
Wontpay · 22/10/2025 18:31

Cerialkiller · 22/10/2025 18:26

Agreed, it isn't expected that you pay the mortgage on a property you aren't living in. He is benefiting from the whole property so he can pay for the whole property. He will still need to pay cm, don't let him tell you that him paying the mortgage somehow offsets his payment for your baby, it isn't true.

If it bothers him so much he can sell the property and split the assets.

Who's name is the house in? If just his then register your interest on land registry. You are married and it's the marital property. You should get at least half unless you are very high paid compared to him or have a massive pension.

Expect him to play silly buggers and demand 50/50 care as soon as he needs to pay you anything.

Oh really? I thought it’s a grey area as we are jointly liable for the repayments? We both own it, I earn less than him as I work part time now I’m back at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wontpay · 22/10/2025 18:32

tripleginandtonic · 22/10/2025 18:30

If you're not living in the house don't pay the mortgage.

The house is going on the market next week, would it not affect my equity if I don’t pay

OP posts:
Original poster
Wontpay · 22/10/2025 18:32

Plus I don’t think he could afford mortgage + bills + car loan + CMS and his fuel (which he gets through loads of). It would genuinely take all his wage.

OP posts:
ItsameLuigi · 22/10/2025 18:34

Wontpay · 22/10/2025 18:32

Plus I don’t think he could afford mortgage + bills + car loan + CMS and his fuel (which he gets through loads of). It would genuinely take all his wage.

So what? He did it to himself. Don't fall into the trap I did. I was lenient with my ex when we split and tried to make his life easier, I'm still accepting a low amount monthly (like 1/4 what child maintenance would estimate) but because I got into this arrangement myself and it keeps the peace I don't wanna mess that up. I accepted lower money and barely any help with the kids, and everytime I've needed his help in an emergency he's been difficult and inconsiderate. Don't do it

Original poster
Wontpay · 22/10/2025 18:35

ItsameLuigi · 22/10/2025 18:34

So what? He did it to himself. Don't fall into the trap I did. I was lenient with my ex when we split and tried to make his life easier, I'm still accepting a low amount monthly (like 1/4 what child maintenance would estimate) but because I got into this arrangement myself and it keeps the peace I don't wanna mess that up. I accepted lower money and barely any help with the kids, and everytime I've needed his help in an emergency he's been difficult and inconsiderate. Don't do it

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Thank you

OP posts:
MellowPinkDeer · 22/10/2025 18:38

BoringBarbie · 22/10/2025 18:13

He's a liar. CMS is a £20 fee to open it and that's it. If he pays on time via direct pay there are no other fees. Don't feel a bit guilty.

This!!

and tell him to sod the hell off with his demands!

MellowPinkDeer · 22/10/2025 18:39

Wontpay · 22/10/2025 18:32

Plus I don’t think he could afford mortgage + bills + car loan + CMS and his fuel (which he gets through loads of). It would genuinely take all his wage.

Honestly @Wontpaywho bloody cares. He’s a dick.

MellowPinkDeer · 22/10/2025 18:40

Wontpay · 22/10/2025 18:32

The house is going on the market next week, would it not affect my equity if I don’t pay

Show quote history

Keep paying if you can, if it’s in joint names otherwise if he defaults it will screw you over

arcticpandas · 22/10/2025 18:42

Ofcourse he doesn't want to go through CMS: he wants to pay less. Good on you for not falling for it.

Cerialkiller · 22/10/2025 18:43

ItsameLuigi · 22/10/2025 18:34

So what? He did it to himself. Don't fall into the trap I did. I was lenient with my ex when we split and tried to make his life easier, I'm still accepting a low amount monthly (like 1/4 what child maintenance would estimate) but because I got into this arrangement myself and it keeps the peace I don't wanna mess that up. I accepted lower money and barely any help with the kids, and everytime I've needed his help in an emergency he's been difficult and inconsiderate. Don't do it

Show quote history

Ikr sucks to be him!

He's an arse. You are separated, you don't need to care about him anymore. You are a new mother with a young baby, focus on protecting yourself.

Be careful regarding the house sale regarding how it is split. Probably worth seeing a solicitor asap. If he e.g. splits the house money equally but your divorce awards you e.g. 70% of shared assets then that money could be gone. If he was especially conniving he could hide/spend his half then go after your half as part of the divorce.

If the sale goes through before the divorce.
Ensure the conveyancing solicitor knows not to give ex all the money as you may have a time getting it off him. Ensure it is split between your accounts.

FancyCatSlave · 22/10/2025 18:45

It depends if he is likely to default on the mortgage. You could stop paying it and I would until you get maintenance. But if he then doesn’t pay it, both of you will get the adverse credit so you need to decide if it’s worth it. If it’s going to sell quickly then you might just want to pay and then move on. If it’s likely to be a slow sale you could speak to the lender and go interest only.

Jellybunny56 · 22/10/2025 18:45

I’m not sure why people are so confidently telling you to just stop paying the mortgage- if it is in joint names and payments fail to be made then it’s not just him that fucks over, its very much both of you. Assuming that you will in the near future want to buy or rent another home it is absolutely in your best interests to ensure the mortgage is paid.

Elektra1 · 22/10/2025 18:47

I think CMS will backdate 3 months from date of application? Or maybe it’s changed. That used to be the rule.

Jaweira · 22/10/2025 19:13

MellowPinkDeer · 22/10/2025 18:40

Keep paying if you can, if it’s in joint names otherwise if he defaults it will screw you over

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But if he doesn’t pay HIS half, then she’s screwed anyway.

OP, personally I would text him and say, “I have deducted x from my share of mortgage to cover the childcare you are not currently paying me. Please ensure you pay the remaining amount to the mortgage company.”

gamerchick · 22/10/2025 19:20

Id probably put a UC claim in while you're waiting to get sorted OP. It won't affect any CM.

Jellybunny56 · 22/10/2025 19:31

Jaweira · 22/10/2025 19:13

But if he doesn’t pay HIS half, then she’s screwed anyway.

OP, personally I would text him and say, “I have deducted x from my share of mortgage to cover the childcare you are not currently paying me. Please ensure you pay the remaining amount to the mortgage company.”

Show quote history

Not sure what benefit this has?

Currently no CMS claim open/amount agreed, and as far as the mortgage provider is concerned there is no “my share”, both people are responsible for 100% of the debt.