Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

Yep this. Do not respond to her.

Sorry if I have got confused somewhere.. If he is on holiday, presumably with his wife, she's looked at his phone sent you a message and you are staying out of it not responding to her (which I think is the right course of 'no action' ). Surely she will confront him eventually and he'll explain to her?

I think you are quite right and wouldn’t engage either. It’s not up to you to sort their marriage out.

Thank you all for the replies. I have been in a quandary about it, so seeing different opinions (even the more outlandish ones!) has been useful. I'm definitely not after drama, contrary to what some pp have suggested. I want the lowest drama way of resolving it, since drama has come to my door without my having invited it!

I think where I've come to is that I can't allow my sense of compassion for a woman who may be struggling in her marriage to override the need to protect myself and I need to avoid inadvertently involving myself in my boss's private life. So I have decided I will Teams message him, with the screenshots, apologise for disturbing his time off, but please can he de-escalate the situation and set the record straight as soon as possible, as it has made me feel very uncomfortable getting these messages. He does sometimes check his Teams while he's off. I had wanted to respect his time off, but I have now had three messages from his DW, so I think it needs some action.

Hopefully boss and I can have a conversation to clear the air when he's back in work. I'd like to give him the opportunity to sort it before involving HR, but will ensure I keep screenshots of all related comms in case it's not nipped in the bud and they have to be involved later.

Are you just making up your own version of events? Or writing a novel?

I'd screenshot everything, block, and speak to HR.
Given what you've said about how innocent people have been treated previously in a similar situation, I think you need to go on the offensive.

I think ignoring it is a good call. She may never be satisfied with your response anyway and insist on further proof! You don't want endless questions popping up on your phone. Ignore her and it will die out. If it persists just mention it to HR. So you have HR in your corner in case it becomes more werid.

Don't interact with her at all.
Possibly send reply such as suggested by Mrs B at 00:27 to your boss (but he likely already knows).
Do contact HR now, tell them what has happened, and do as they advise.

I once had a more senior colleague, facing suspicion from his wife, try to throw me under the bus with our section head as a problematic flirty junior who should be fired. There was absolutely nothing in it, and it backfired on him in a rather egg-on-face way, but it was sheer luck that the conjunction of other events made him look ludicrous, and our immediate manager was having none of it. It did however shake my confidence for quite some time, and could have gone very differently.

He is your boss, more senior in the company, and his marriage is obviously in trouble, so he has a lot more to lose, both professionally and personally. He may not hesitate to sacrifice you. Get HR on-board immediately, just in case.

3 times! I’m sorry OP - it’s really shit to be involved in this and you do need to protect yourself.

on the basis your boss isn’t having an affair, he’s going to be mortified by this but it really is up to him to resolve

It's not that difficult she needs to divorce her husband, split everything and go their separate ways. If you don't like or trust the person you are with don't be with them. In situations like this the person needs to show some self-respect.

No, but other people have said that OP is being unkind by ignoring her messages and not giving her a response to the accusations against her - framing her as a 'poor woman' who just wants to know the truth.

3 texts?!!? is she just repeating her requests to find out who you are or are things escalating?

I think messaging him via Teams, despite him being on holiday, is the right thing to do. Sounds like his DW, having now text you 3 times, is determined to get to the bottom of 'whatever she thinks is going on' so you can't just ignore and pretend it's not happening.

Hope you hear from him sooner rather than later so you don't get any further messages from her.

Some people do find affairs and divorce difficult.

Surely she will confront him eventually and he'll explain to her?

I'm sure she will/already has... but will she accept what he tells her as the truth?

It looks to me like she is convinced that her husband and OP are having an affair - based on what is obviously a works event photo, and which they surely would not have taken/shared in the first place if it hadn't been innocent - and the only thing that will satisfy her is for one/both of them to crack and admit it all, thus confirming her ludicrous suspicions.

If they don't admit to this imagined affair, anything else that they tell her will just all be lies (in her mind).

Hopefully he will see your Teams message and it will be de-escalated on his return to work.

Good decision op, my first thought when I read your post was sod his annual leave.

@Citrusbergamia essentially just repeating the question, the last message (last night) had a tone of more urgency, "why won't you reply if you've nothing to hide" kind of thing. I can't just leave it at this point. If boss doesn't pick up the Teams message and his wife contacts me again this week, I may have to text him.

It's not the ops problem and the wife should never have involved her in their marriage. If I was her husband I would leave her and start divorce proceedings. She knew where her husband was going she is jealous of the op. The op may look attractive to the wife.

Oh don't text him if he doesn't respond. Go to HR.

This is not the real world.

If I had (and wanted to maintain) a good working relationship with my manager I’d speak to them before anything else.

HR people have also come onto this thread to say at this stage it’s not something they’d be interested in.

One way to aggravate the wife text her husband. She may turn up at the ops workplace to warn her off her husband.

Do not respond to his wife in any manner.
Screenshots of everything.
I think you need to protect yourself by contacting HR and state how upset you and your husband are by this unwarranted intrusion into your private life.
This is not acceptable.
You want a clear paper trail in case of any backlash from him.
Protect yourself and involve HR.

TBF, you don't know any of this, you are adding a sub plot to the story.

Divorce as opposed to separating from your partner is not an easy thing to comprehend and pursue. You don't know how long they have been together, whether they have kids, how much their assets are worth, whether it's even financially viable to move out, whether they even want to divorce.

Are you projecting here or something?

urgh. piffle.

If it were 2 men would they be having a gay affair?
This is a perfectly normal thing to do. No company in their right minds is going to pay for 2 taxis to and from the same places.