Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

Also, this is your boss. The company may protect him depending on his value to them.

Be careful and transparent. Give your boss one chance to reply to you and then back off and hand it to HR.

Seriously, protect yourself, your own marriage and your professional life.

Block his wife so she cannot contact you.

Good choice to only interact with him using usual work channels.

I understand the impulse to be loyal and supportive to your boss, but by delaying contacting HR in order to cushion him, you are not behaving entirely professionally. It's a bit murky. Do as the company requires you to.

OP, what does your husband think you should do?

I've never been in this situation I've heard stories. If the op wants to inform her boss of his wife's behaviour texting is not a good idea. Using work teams or work emails is more appropriate in this situation.

Three messages?

The more messages I got from an unhinged wife the less likely I would be to reply to them. Absolutely no chance I'd be engaging.

OP, I think you did the right thing. Be careful to cover yourself because it's likely she'll ask him to lessen contact with you - which is obviously very problematic in the workplace and may have an unwanted impact on (short term) your work processes and (long term) your career development, given that working closely with him is necessary for both.

Dealing with sexism in the workplace is bad enough but no one prepares you for this kind of shit, where you're punished for being a woman within breathing distance of her colleagues (and God help you if you're young and/or perceived as attractive).

DH is about as subtle as a ten ton truck, and has said I should tell her to get tae fuck and take it up with her husband! Obviously, this is not likely to have positive results 😂

So you have heard stories (plural) of suspicious wives and partners or just wives, coming to workplaces and attacking the suspected person? Husbands, male partners or is it only wives who have attacked pretty women in the workplace because what? They feel inadequate?

I'd prefer not to text him, but if unwanted contact continues, then I may have to, on the assumption he hasn't seen the messages on the work channel. It's a last resort, I'd rather not, but I'd also rather not have his mrs in my DMs either!

The boss has done nothing wrong
I don’t understand what people think HR can do this woman is not an employee
think they’d be on thin ice contacting her they can’t police people who aren’t employees

Well yeah, you can't do that. Again though only you know this man's value in the workplace and how professional your workplace is. It is all very well advising you to go to HR but HR decisions and actions, IME can vary widely between different organisations. Again, only you know whether they follow best practice.

I would be messaging him on teams with screenshots of the WhatsApp messages saying you don’t appreciate these being sent to your personal phone. Give him the opportunity to sort it out with his wife while he is off. If he comes back from leave and apologises to you, and no more messages are sent then leave it at that

If the messages continue give him one more chance by speaking to him in person and asking him to sort it but state if it continues you will be taking it further as the event you were at was a work event and you shouldn’t be now put in this position.

Agree that if it was just a night out at the pub then HR wouldn’t be that interested but on basis you were asked to go to represent the company, you shouldn’t have to put up with this hassle without there being consequences

What has young and attractive got to do with workplace affairs, you are literally perpetuating the "sexism" you so despise!

I take it he's Scottish 😂

The best thing for the op is not to get involved and start texting him. Its too personal she needs to keep it only to a working relationship and deal with it at work. The op needs to only think about herself not the wife. The op should have blocked her after the first text message.

You could text him just asking him to log on to teams.

Bollocks. HR is for advice and support, to guide everyone's behaviour at work. OP should not be dealing with harrassment from her manager's wife without their support. It's a serious situation that HR can help untangle quietly and smoothly. Ideally OP's boss will already have been in contact with them, to inform his responses and ensure OP has support too.

i wouldn't text him at all if she is checking his phone.

OP, i think you have done all you can. You clearly have screenshots of the messages, and now you have the timely teams messages in case of comebacks at work.

When you speak to him be clear that she is not to contact you again, he is to make it clear to her that you are not an affair partner, and that if you start to suspect any kind of repurcussions at all of any kind at work, you will unleash the dogs of war onto him.

Exactly. She's nothing to do with the company, at least the OP hasn't said she is. OP hasn't done anything wrong, her boss hasn't done anything wrong so nothing to do with HR.

Screenshot and send to your boss asking "what is this about?". And block her number

I mean, yes, HR in an ideal world would be about that but as I pointed out above HR's priorities can vary widely, let's hope they are the proactive and Best Practice type. However, only the OP can determine that.

my HR are clearly a lot friendlier than a lot on here!

i also think people are being naive on how this could impact OP professionally.

I would message him and say something like

' I have had several messages from your wife asking why I was at X event with you. Please ask her to stop contacting me, otherwise as our attendance was in a professional work capacity I will have to ask HR to intervene.

The only issue with this is as he is more snior thant you he may then just 'cut you off' in a professional capacity and not work with you in the future.

His wife is looking through her husband's work phone and could see sensitive information. GDPR has been breached. Her number is confidential and the wife should not have taken it. HR should know about it and the boss needs to be spoken to.

I think this is a good plan, I mean what else can you do OP?

I wouldn’t go to HR as that’s going to piss him off and isn’t going to achieve much.

I think I’d send a copy of her text to him saying that you don’t want to get involved and can he sort this out - that should suffice. You will then have a record that he was aware if you ever need it.