Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

She doesn’t sound like a psycho. She sounds like a suspicious/anxious wife for who knows what reason.

Yes, this.

The wife is probably a contributor to this site and possibly posted an AIBU regarding finding a photo of her husband and strange woman on his phone. And she was only looking at his phone as she needed to place an urgent Amazon order and her phone battery had died.

The replies would have been that is in in no doubt having an affair, and she needs to get her ducks in a row, and get her one hour free legal advice. Someone then will have suggested she contact the OP directly, as then she will know for sure, as of course the reply will have been that her husband lied to the OW OP about being married, and so the OW OP will not be at fault here. But the wife should trust her gut.

All quite dramatic, but then again so its running off to report him to HR for something he probably has no clue about right now.

You did nothing wrong here. I would have responded a simple factual reply: Boss sent me these photos after the event as I requested to send them to my team. I'd probably also forward to the boss with a short professional message about not wanting to be involved in any personal situation etc.

I fear your hesitation may have worried her more. But that's not really your problem.

Any further drama/messages I wouldn't respond.

If she doesn't trust him why is she with him. She is doing it to herself. She is making herself look mentally ill. Op needs to let HR know about the harassment she has received.

I agree but I also agree with the PP who advised involving HR. Cover your back, OP

As is evident from this thread, people can conjure up all kinds of meanings to completely boring occurrences, so don't engage with his wife at all.

It's not your fault your boss is in a toxic relationship, and you shouldn't be harassed by his wife, and absolutely shouldn't have been put in this position.

Throw it back to him to sort out his mess and block her. And ignore the ridiculous posters who are trying to make out your 'behaviour ' is in any way problematic. It's not your fault you have to work with a man in an unstable relationship.

And wanting advice, having seen this ruin women in your industry, does not mean you like drama. It's not as if you invited these two idiots and their marriage problems into your inbox.

I do think you need to speak to HR especially as your boss is not back until Monday, just get some advice. I take taxis with male members of staff, as well as female. Go to events and we often shared photo's as you did to either go on the organisation social media or for the team to see. It is totally normal and innocent. You have done nothing wrong and have been put in an awful position, her issues with her husband are nothing to you but you need to stay totally professional in this.

How's it harassment though? The wife is not an employee and you couldn't accuse the boss of harassment as he hasn't sent the texts?

A taxi ride to an event is quite intimate, especially the whole divert to your home and picking up thing (dating undertones). I would not have done this but don't think you were wrong exactly, just naive.

@tamade are you the OP's boss's unhinged wife? What @PassUstheJaffaCakes and her boss did is totally normal in professional life.

Gosh, there are a lot of wet-behind-the-ears non-workers cooking up all sorts of rubbish on this thread.

Just block her @PassUstheJaffaCakes and sort it out with your boss when he returns. His wife is absolutely out of order.

I agree, my DH goes to events (often abroad) a few times a year and often with 1 or 2 colleagues (sometimes more, sometimes alone) and they will share transports, hotels, meals. Communications between them will be a mix of WhatsApp and work systems as there is logistics to deal with on different levels and it never occurred to me to start throwing accusations around and contact colleagues of his demanding info. That is so unhinged! Or there is history there, like the OP says, but then again, it isn't the OP's job to sort it out.

I'm sorry this is happening, it must be stressful! Hopefully your boss deals with this asap and it doesn't blow up. You have done nothing wrong!

She should not have her number. She should not be contacting her. She is accusing her of having an affair with her husband. My partner was invited out for coffee I thought it was funny because I am not insecure. If my partner decides to cheat I can't stop him but it doesn't give me the right to contact strangers. It's up to me if I choose to stay with him if he did cheat. His wife needs to divorce him she is behaving psychotic.

Yeah, I don't like to characterise her immediately as batshit wife, for all I know, there may be good reasons for suspicion. It's just very much landed in the wrong place here! That said, I don't know her, and I don't know how a reply would be received, so on balance I've decided it's best not to reply directly to her. I didn't consent for her to have my details or to contact me, and opening up a line of communication could open a can of worms. I've never seen anything that suggests to me my boss is up to no good with anybody else at work, but you never can tell, and I don't want to be put in a position of being asked other things. Even if she believed me if I replied to say nothing to see here, that doesn't mean there aren't other suspicions she may have. If he is up to no good, I'd rather not know about it!

I think it's right not to engage but you don't know anything about the woman, you don't know if she's a 'idiot' or he is an 'idiot', perhaps one of them is deserved of some compassion. Equally, plenty of people.do have affairs in the workplace, personally, every place I have worked in had somebody having an affair or some form of cheating, I've only worked in medium to large organisations but they certainly do go on, this is not some tendentious view of the workplace!

What kind of world do we live in when we cannot share a taxi with a colleague to a work event without people implying there's more to it

I guess you don't speak to anyone that isn't your partner in case it gets misconstrued

OP you have done nothing wrong. Personally I would resond with "who are you?" and nothing more

"psychotic"?

There's no point in reporting it to HR then is it, unless they have legal authority to pursue her for 'harassment', that's my point, she is not an employee, they can't do anything. The Boss is not harassing her so where does that leave the harassment accusation?

None of us on here (not even OP) can know for sure whether she is paranoid and jealous, or if he has cheated before and reasonably put her on high alert. However, I would say that they way she's gone about this screams the former much more than the latter.

Why would she go in all guns blazing and assuming the worst of OP without the most basic detective work? Why would she deliberately go on the offence and put OP's back up, wrecking any chances of finding out the truth? As it is, it looks like she's either expecting OP to admit it and 'prove' herself to be a cheating homewrecker, or otherwise to deny it - "because she would, wouldn't she?" - and 'prove' herself to be a LYING cheating homewrecker.

She could so easily have found an innocent-sounding pretext for messaging OP. Even calling her would have been a lot more helpful to judge from her instant reaction. OP obviously doesn't know her and may not even have known that he is married.

Why isn't she asking/challenging her husband? Or maybe she is as well and is looking down every possible avenue for confirmation and proof of what she has imagined to be the case?

Also, the elephant in the room surely has to be that, if they were having an affair, and going off in a taxi together to a hotel together with sordid intent together... why on earth would they waste time together in actually attending a works event (as proven by the photos) that would presumably have been their excuse?!

Does she truly think that they got all dressed up, found a venue, paid Shane Ritchie to pose with them and took photos to send to each other and thus arouse her suspicions? When all along he could just have said he was going to a distant football away game with Mike, Steve and Jim or something?

This.

Absolutely extraordinary that some people are so narrow minded that they think sharing a taxi with someone of the opposite means it’s intimate. Absolutely bonkers!

That is not his choice to make.

I don't understand the people saying to be kind and compassionate, help to put her mind at rest and respond to her deeply unpleasant messages.

She clearly didn't care about upsetting OP, did she?

The fact is that there are batshit controlling wives, husbands and partners out there - just as there are married/supposedly committed people out there having affairs.

Again, she may have a reason to be insecure, none of which is the OP's fault. A "partner" is a bit different though, if he's married, it is an affair and actually has much larger consequences for the wife and her future so yes, establishing the truth is pretty imperative even for grounds for divorce. You can't use people's phone numbers I agree.

A man could have texted your husband accusing him of sleeping with his wife. It's still psychotic behaviour he is making himself ill by accusing your husband. If you don't trust someone don't be with them. It's not healthy going through someone else's phone and sending harassing text messages accusing them of sleeping with their spouse's.

If op values her career then she will tell HR. The wife is married to ops boss. She needs to protect herself and her job.

I would not reply. When you see him at work I think I would ask him to delete your number and please keep you out of his personal life as its very unprofessional.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread, just your updates and some posts.

Of course it is normal/ fine to share a taxi why wouldn't you!

I actually think I would be inclined to send a very brief text -

'Hi Joan, The photographs are from the Bristol Accountancy Event. We were seated at the same company table, and it was strictly a work function. In line with company policy, we shared a taxi to and from the venue. Any questions about that evening would be best discussed directly with Andy. Kind regards, Michelle'

Then an email too 'Andy' to let him know - factually - that she has messaged you and how you responded.

Never reply to her again

I didn't say contact her, you can still demonstrate compassion for someone.

I don’t know about the wife, but some of these responses are definitely batshit.

Anyway, OP, if you’re not going to preempt any backlash on you by going to HR first, then at least make sure you have screenshots of all msgs, dated too. Hopefully you won’t need them.