Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

This is a perfect message to send @PassUstheJaffaCakes block the wife's number. X

I cannot believe the OP is having to defend getting a taxi to a professional event with a colleague because batshit, sex-obsessed MNers think that any time a man and a woman are left alone together is a prelude to shagging.

She already thinks there's something going on, based on fuck all, and is behaving in an unhinged way already. I would not be assuming that a sensible, rational reply would defuse her.

I guess I feel bad for not saying anything to someone who is clearly upset and has the wrong end of the stick,
His poor wife is probably beside herself with worry, hence this email to OP, so I admire her for being able to recognise this and take it into account.
However more importantly, it is vital for the OP to clarify the situation and not allow this to impact her reputation in any way
I think she should mention it to HR and request that this be put onto her personal records and put on file .
When her boss comes back she should fill him in as to what's happened

So this woman, for what may be an understandable reason, has taken my number covertly from her DH's phone, contacted me without my consent, and is indirectly making accusations of inappropriate behaviour. I am therefore wary of engaging with this individual. I don't know if replying will reassure her or not, it may escalate things. And while I can have some compassion for the reasons she may have felt the need to do it, I am not obliged to engage.

@tamade way to go to stretch the original OP!

Damned if you do reply and damned if you don't. If you don't reply you leave her stewing about what might be going on. If you do reply keeping it very professional she may believe you and that's the end of it, or she may not believe you and just replying and acknowledging your professional relationship may fuel the fire. Telling HR may be telling the whole work force if someone in there is a bit of a gossip. Have you told your DH so he doesn't get blindsided by it at some point.

@BadgernTheGarden yes, DH is aware.

It's Mumsnet.. of course she's shagging the bloke and simply cannot hold herself back from a married man.

Id alert him asap OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong and don't deserve a neurotic woman blowing up your phone.

I think you are wrong to ignore her.

I would txt back factual information and tell her you will show the txt to HR so there is no ambiguity around what was said to whom.

if boss wasn’t away I would have suggested speaking to him. No doubt he’s having a shit holiday anyway!

At my work relationships have to be declared and HR actively tell us they are there to share personal issues with (as if!! But in this case an informal chat with your HR person would at least give you a little protection in case the wife does something like email HR or try to shit stir)

I can’t believe in 2025 women in the workplace are still having to put up with this crap tbh

I had something similar happen with a male colleague in work. Turns out he was having an affair with someone else in work but was quite happy for his wife to believe it was me (we’d also gone to a work do together) so he could say truthfully he wasn’t having an affair with me. The woman he was having an affair with was friends with his wife so she also encouraged her to believe it was me. Is it possible that you are also being used as collateral damage?

I echo everyone who says go to HR. I would not reply to her personally at all. That might be seen as antagonising her (however professional and matter of fact you remain). Or at least it is highly inappropriate for her to contact you personally, so I would consider it could be misinterpreted if you respond to her personally.

I am slightly bemused by this too! Surely people can't be so unrealistic as to think workplaces can or should segregate married men and women? Or that women should pay extra for sole use of a taxi so that wives don't get upset?

I would EXPECT my DH to offer to share a company funded taxi for an evening event with a lone female colleague in a new place she did not know her way around. I would be raging if he kept a company funded taxi to himself and let a lone woman make her own way there and back at night without offering to share. Fair enough if she doesn't want to, that's different. But not to offer? I'd be fuming.

By answering it adds to the "drama" and not answering does not make it "more dramatic".

The OP should be NOT involved in any of this drama and is by default of someone who is unrelated to her professional work (Boss' wife). She doesn't know what is going on in this marriage or the person's head. Any response clouds the very clear lines between professional and personal which the boss' wife has overstepped.

Best thing to do is tell boss when he is back, log and note it (to herself) let him deal with it and if he doesn't i.e messages and accusations continue then involve HR. If this escalated with proof of harassment then of course they will be interested. They have a duty of care to their employee.

The inference of work colleagues going on a work event, sharing taxis etc being tantamount to an affair is quite frankly scandalous! The OP has done NOTHING wrong.

This is a really difficult situation. And of course, you don't know any of the background. For all you know, he IS having an affair, and she's just got the wrong woman.

Personally, I would reply but only once. Very calmly, very lightly. "I think you've got completely the wrong idea - we are simply colleagues at a work event who passed some photos for me to pass onto my team. Please speak to your DH if you have concerns."

But of course, you have no idea what she's like or if that just opens the door to a barrage of abuse so I do appreciate there's some risk.

I have chuckled at some of the batshit wrong-end-of-the stick comments on this thread. Attending awards events with colleagues of both sexes, and sharing a cab, is pretty much a regular Tuesday where I work. And, gasp, we might even all go for a drink after in groups ranging from 2 to 10!

you need to talk to HR because they should deal with this and not you. Yes awkward but it’s work related and totally unacceptable to be harassed by a member of staffs spouse, no matter what they might think.

get support now so they can contact him to discuss and not you. Don’t wait until he returns.

Do not reply to the wife.
I would email your boss on the works email informing him of the messages and that he needs to deal with this with immediate effect or you will refer it to HR.
I am so sorry that a nice works event evening out has been spoiled like this and causing you undue distress.

Surely his wife will be going through his entire phone messages and will see that there aren't any further or previous communications? I suppose she could maintain that the entire 'affair' is carried on at work, but wouldn't there be messages? Or whole swathes of suspiciously deleted stuff?

I'd send a very brief formal message saying that you were attending a work event on behalf of your company.

Then block her number.

Overblown. You don’t need to state to your boss that you are happily married blah, blah, blah. He already knows you aren’t interested in him and it was a professional event. If his wife thinks he is cheating this won’t make a shred of difference to her if she reads it. I’d just forward the text saying I’d just received this from his wife. All the rest is a given.

Indeed!

What @PassUstheJaffaCakes did is perfectly normal.

The wife is crazy, or maybe her DH has form.

But this is nothing to do with @PassUstheJaffaCakes You needs to reply absolutely professionally - none of this "There's nothing going on" Just that you were attending an event for work with your manager, on behalf of the company.

I would involve HR you need their support. You don't know what your boss or his wife is capable of. She sounds like a psycho and she could put pressure on him to push you out. If HR knows nothing about the harassment you are receiving them you are leaving yourself open to abuse.

Given your updates OP, regarding your role within the company you work for and how difficult life has been made for women who appear to be 'trouble makers'. I think you would be better to not engage with the wife at all. However, I do think you need to take screenshots of the messages and email your boss using company email. Perhaps say 'Bob please see the screenshots that I have attached. As you can see your wife clearly believes we are more than colleagues. I haven't engaged, as any issues within your marriage are none of my business. However, I am extremely angry that I am being accused of unsavoury behaviour. We are colleagues, and nothing more, so I trust that you will reiterate this to your wife in no uncertain terms? My husband is fully aware that I attended the function on X with you and he knows that your wife has sent me accusatory messages too. Regards Sarah'. I'd then wait to see what action your boss takes. Hopefully, he will speak to his wife, or even show her your message, and you'll hear nothing further.

If being in a taxi is so intimate, has the wife also tracked down the taxi driver and demanded to know the illicit reasons why he/she was with her husband in a car?!

Of course, the taxi driver had a perfectly obvious, legitimate reason for being there... just like a work colleague at a work event does!