Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

Because OP & her boss were at work, working, and it would be a disciplinary offence to involve someone who isn't employed or contracted to the business in it's affairs. That's being a bit pedantic, but this is the sort of situation that spirals out of control.

Op is asking how we would feel if we were the worried wife. I simply can't imagine myself going through my husband's phone and messages and messaging his female colleagues asking what they are doing on a photo of a work event. Anybody who would do that is clearly not very well and any engagement with them is better avoided.

Guess it depends on the work place culture. At my work Id never dream of doing that. It’s unprofessional to me and could be used later against me. I always keep a squeaky clean image when it comes to anything in writing. I may say something in person but never in writing. This shows you exactly why that approach is a good idea!

thats why I actually when thinking twice would recommend the OP 100
pct ignores this. Do not reposed to the wife,
do not go to HR, don’t mention it to the boss. Act as if it never happened. Screenshot the messages and keep them somewhere safe, then delete them from
your phone so you won’t have to look at them and be reminded of the bs.

you’ve done nothing wrong so leave it at that.

It will likely all blow over that way.

of not, you can reassess, but from all
you know the wife will give up
on it once it’s given 0 oxygen.

This response is batshit.

Are you quite well? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Intimate taxi drive. Call the sex police immediately.

My feeling is, given what OP has said about her bosses reputation, he probably has had, or even has, inappropriate relationships with women, including women colleagues . And his wife is probably absolutely neurotic about his behaviour with women.

That doesn't excuse her contacting OP of course. But whatever OP does as regards replying or not replying to the messages she will be damned. She will not be believed if she says she has a strictly professional relationship with him and not replying will be taken as an admission of guilt.

I don't see what option OP has other than to contact HR. Because whatever happens her professional relationship with her boss is now irreparably damaged. Even if he convinces his wife there is nothing untoward in his relationship with OP there will be expectation on him from his wife to prove this by minimising contact with her. And so their working relationship will be skewed.

OP really needs to get advice from HR in order to safeguard her future ability to do her job to the professional standard she is accustomed to work at.

Again, the assumption that the wife is somehow mentally unwell. She may well have good reason to suspect him of cheating. It’s not how most of us like to think we would conduct ourselves, but we have no idea what she’s dealing with.

Agree, I've recently retired as Senior HR Manager. If someone came to me with this thinking it threatened their career my main worry would be why they would think the organisation I worked for would behave like that. It wouldn't be an organisation I wanted to work in and certainly not at a senior level.

"These messages can be saved and used if her boss doesnt resolve things with his wife and the situation continues. Hr can be involved then, as they should be." Sensible advice.

She might or might not have worries about him, she has no right to accuse the OP of anything based on a photo at a professional event.

I read it that the boss WhatsApped the photos specifically to share with the team because they were photographed with a celeb. So clearly nothing untoward about them.

She may have a good reason, sure. Not OPs problem though.
And here I am indeed talking about her conduct. Her actions are not rational and reasonable - therefore her reaction to any messages from OP is also unlikely to be rational and reasonable. If you are so paranoid and worried you go through your husband's phone and message his random female contacts - will you really be happy if they respond and say nothing is going on? I simply don't believe wife's response would be that oh allright, never mind, all good.

Indeed, thank you.

But of course we know nothing eh 🤣

Depending on the pressures she may be under, the photographs may have triggered the response. If her DH is a serial cheat, l doubt whether her right to accuse is uppermost in her mind.

I'd do this. I feel like not responding looks like there's something to hide.

If her DH is a serial cheat, will she believe another 'there's nothing going on' message, especially as she has probably received them also in cases where there was something going on?

Oh for goodness sake, no need to involve HR! If as you say there is nothing going on (and I absolutely believe you!) this is a matter for your manager to sort out with his wife. Don't respond to her, have a word with him when he returns to work (he'll probably be very embarrassed) and let him deal with it and close it down. You can block her number if necessary if she continues to pursue it and you can inform him of this. But it is NOT an HR problem, presumably we are dealing with adults who can solve their own issues without having to bring in a faciltator to sort it out.

There is no “record”. And there are others on the thread with comparable levels of experience with a different view.

Saving the messages will make no difference at all if this escalated and he tried to throw OP under the bus. That is naive. The messages are merely proof of the wife’s suspicions, nothing else.

The reason for her inappropriate behaviour is irrelevant. We don't know it, the OP doesn't know it and it has no bearing on how the OP should handle the situation.

Even in the most sympathetic scenario - the poor wife has been driven to despair by her philandering husband and so it's perfectly justified for her to threaten the career of a woman who has not been shagging her husband - that doesn't change what OP should do: ignore the wife, do not interact, log and document, protect her career by whatever means are best in her company culture.

Well that would indeed suggest she isn't well balanced about this, she either needs to get help with her mental health issues or get help with how to proceed with her marriage to either work things out or end it.

I believe ill defer to the senior HR Manager

But thanks for your input

I think a big problem that hasn't really been talked about is the massive variance in HR departments in different companies and different industries. Another poster in a similar situation said her HR department told her she should have gone to them in the first instance. It really depends on the company culture.

I’d still screenshot the messages in case the wife decides to “delete for everyone”. Nothing to be lost by doing that.

I think with some certainty that initially, this is an issue for OP's boss to deal with. OP doesn't reply to wife, doesn't escalate to HR. No fuss. Fuss creates damage, mud hits fans & sticks to all concerned.

That should be the end of matters, a non-issue. It's only if the wife insists on a fuss that OP has an issue to deal with, and only then might OP want to tell others (HR) about the problem, but I would do it in collaboration with my boss. If I were the boss, I would not look kindly on my subordinate going to HR behind my back..

A senior HR manager who thinks this is about the organisation & not the behaviour of the individual? Who has not seen tribunals where this kind of minor issue blows up? (We even have an ex employment lawyer attesting to that too).

Would she say this: “why they would think the organisation I worked for would behave like that” if someone reported sexual harassment??

I would screenshot the messages, send to HR incl the Teams message to boss man, ask for no action from HR but you wish them to keep a record.
You really need to do this in case boss man thinks you are a trouble maker because of his wife deciding there's more to it or thinks you have replied to his wife and she's keeping it quiet or whatever (for any reason) and decides to manage you out.