Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

I’d probably say this to HR.

To me, this is the key point.

Disregarding for the moment the actual accusation (an affair), OP was engaged on work activity when family of a colleague has approached her demanding information about it. The only acceptable response is for the colleague to deal with it.

I am puzzled as to how this is escalating, surely OP's Boss is on holiday with his wife and it should be dealt with there before they come back?

Why does what the boss may think trump the risk to OP’s career?

We’ve had one person with experience of a similar issue who says their HR said they should have reported it immediately, I’ve seen the messes these issues bring in employment tribunals, we’ve had a couple of HR professionals explaining they would expect an employee to report this to them. It’s pretty obvious what should happen.

Maybe the people that disagree don’t have high level careers and don’t understand the risk element, and people that don’t have to attend events for work also don’t understand because they haven’t had the experience of what’s normal in that respect, I don’t know.

I don’t understand why people are saying don’t message her

I would just take that as an admittance of guilt that something was going on

I would message back that you were there as part of your job along with other colleagues or industry people at your table and you shared a taxi ride to and from the event.

Why act suspicious if nothing is going on

Any update @PassUstheJaffaCakes ?

My goodness, you really don't know do you. You sound very inexperienced yourself and perhaps only work in organisations where HR tends to be best practice driven, like in the public sector. There is nothing wrong with that btw.

Silence is not an admission of guilt wtf. I keep seeing people post that.

The wife might interpret it as an admission of guilt but she might also interpret a denial, or any form of response at all, as an admission of guilt. She's already messaging a woman she doesn't know based on photos from a work event so it is incredibly unwise to assume she will react to anything in a normal, rational way.

My friend who was caught in this situation was young and naive at the time, and sent what she thought was a reassuring message to the wife about how their relationship was just professional. It unleashed a torrent of really, really nasty abuse from the wife who seemed to take that as an admission of guilt.

The OP's priority is not to reassure the wife but to protect her own career.

1. Do not respond to any messages.
2. Block her number.
3. When boss returns from leave have a word.
4. Leave it at that. You don't need drama.

That spirit extends to retrograde opinions on the women on this thread that have a difference of opinion from the one that declares the wife an "insecure", "psycho", "crazy bitch"; shutting discussion down, by declaring everyone who doesn't agree with them a misogynist!

Honestly I would phone her at a reasonable hour (not on an evening where she may be drinking) and say to her that there seems to have been a misunderstanding, you are colleagues, attended the award ceremony together, have the photos to share with the team. You should also say you're happily married and not having an affair with anyone, that you hope that covers it for her and hope she will clear up any other matters directly with her husband.

Or

You could text her saying essentially "I am a work colleague, this was a work event, the photo was shared so I could share it with the team. I am happily married and not having an affair with anyone. I hope this ends this matter"

Precisely because the boss is the one with the most power to tank her career, which he's more likely to want to do if he thinks she's been spreading rumours about him at work and so on. Whereas if she just tells him he's more likely to just be apologetic she was affected by the wife's nuttiness and grateful she's not getting him into any drama at work, and hopefully he can persuade the wife to knock this off, and that'll be the end of it. No, what he thinks shouldn't be more important than the rights or career prospects of the OP - but they will be, because he's the boss. He just won't want to work with someone who he thinks stabbed him in the back.

We've also had a pp talking about someone who was subject to rumours she was having an affair with someone senior to her - and she wasn't, but she was the one who got forced out. That's usually how it goes - the one who's less important to the company gets edged out, just for rocking the boat. HR might become necessary if the boss can't handle this himself and keep his marital problems private, but OP needs to at least give him a chance. Maybe with a very gentle reminder of how he's breached GDPR by letting the wife get her number ... Who knows, maybe the wife sends these messages to a different woman every week and she's on to someone else by now. It might all just go away.

You have done the right thing. Do not engage.

I had a similar experience like gannet above - out with friends, one friend's phone died so he asked for mine to give his boss a quick call. Boss didn't answer. Some time later I get a call and respond. And there is a hysterical woman screaming that who am I and why I have called her husband - it was friend's boss's wife. You would think that one can just explain that hey it was actually my friend, an employee - but she would not listen. Several calls, messages, then friend's boss himself calling shouting that why have I caused all this drama in his family (me??)..

As OP says, if someone goes through their partners phone and starts messaging female colleagues demanding explanations about work events, they are probably not the most rational person who would be happy with a reasonable explanation.

Agreed.

Maybe the people that disagree don’t have high level careers and don’t understand the risk element,

Fuck me everyone, look at this - a perfect example of how to patronize an entire forum of anonymous people.

Of course your friends message backfired

can you not see the difference of stating you attended an event because of work

and commenting on the relationship with your boss.

Don't be obtuse. The word 'relationship' doesn't automatically mean there's something personal going on. I can't believe you've genuinely never heard of the phrase 'professional relationship'. The woman involved was clearly ether batshit or there was a history of her husband having work affairs.

I’d avoid texting him direct if she’s checking his phone but assuming she’s messaging from her number and not his - have you not blocked her yet???

and if she’s messaged from his block him too - you said you’d only swapped personal numbers for the event so you don’t need them anymore and can communicate through formal work channels

Well said

And for the record shes completely wrong, I posted earlier I've 50 years in the Corporate world, the last 15 on SMT

Looking at the thread as a whole we've all sorts from sympathy with bosses wife to calling the police 🤣

And of course the usual vampires and werewolves have popped up:-

The get your ducks in a row brigade that use a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

These messages can be saved and used if her boss doesnt resolve things with his wife and the situation continues. Hr can be involved then, as they should be.

Im the meantime she has a good working relationship with her boss, who may be a lovely man or a serial cheater. Either way this is in the pan if she doesnt at least let him try to sort it before going behind his back and making it official.

Who cares if she’s reading her DH’s phone. Text your boss saying his wife has taken your number from his phone and is texting you accusations and you don’t want further contact.

My friend's message backfired because she engaged with the wife in the first place. It didn't matter what words she used. The professional relationship referred to the fact that the husband had been assigned to be my friend's mentor (and was a direct response to the message she received).

My friend and I were in our mid-20s at the time - I remember thinking what a poised, professional response she'd sent the wife, how could that not solve everything? But when you get older you realise that if someone is behaving in an irrational way towards you, the best course of action is to not interact with them at all - not to try to fix the situation.

I hope you have texted by now, the coldest "How dare you" text in the world. Texting him while really writing to his wife. You need ammunition if he does not nip it in the bud at home.

I disagree with the advice not to respond. You did nothing wrong, you arent guilty of any impropriety....so why act like you are? Blocking her will just make her think you have something to hide. The truth is simple and always the best policy. Just respond saying you're a work colleague and attended this work function together in your work capacities. Dont go all cloak and dagger, it makes you look extremely guilty. Just tell the truth, which is pretty plain and straightforward.

Straight to HR let them deal with it. It will take legs and go right round the office if you don't.

Why no update @PassUstheJaffaCakes ??