Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

It doesn't matter if he sees the teams message now or later. There is no urgency, except in your mind. Don't text him. Just block her. Done.

Give her absolutely no oxygen at all. Nothing. I am assuming he has fucked around on her tbh, as that's usually the case when a woman is paranoid about her husband fucking around on her, and I do feel sorry for her - and yes that's a fair and reasonable assumption to make before anyone leaps in to defend a man they don't know who is not being harmed in any way by my fair assumption.

But you can't fix it and you will definitely cause trouble for yourself if you try to help her or engage with her in any way.

Once you've blocked her, stop thinking about her - though in case she turns up at work you should have a calm response ready to grey rock her with. And at that point, you contact HR

Worst advice so far

There's been a lotta fuckery spouted on this thread, so this fits right in 🤣🤣🤣.
It's a great insight into why this woman felt justified in messaging the OP.

The thing that very few posters have commented on - maybe because it’s so obvious - is that if @PassUstheJaffaCakes were a man, none of this would have happened. That’s what she needs to keep in mind if anything happens.

Personally I think that you are taking yourself a little too seriously here by considering talking to HR or worrying about the implications so much. I would have replied in a polite and professional manner, explaining that you are a work colleague who was selected to attend the event alongside her husband as representatives from your company. Explain that you had to exchange details to arrange taxis etc and that he kindly forwarded photos so you could share with your team. Reiterate that you were both there in a strictly professional capacity and that you will not be responding to any further messages as you prefer to keep your work and home life separate and not discuss work during your time off. However, if she has any concerns, she should talk to her own husband as first point of contact.

I’d respond:

thank you for reaching out to me with your concerns. I can assure you that the fears you have are unfounded. I have informed x (boss’ name) of this exchange in order to solve this misunderstanding. Kind regards, your name

and then block her

I think you should get ahead of the game and go directly to HR. You need to go in assertively, making it clear that you are aware that you have been excelling in a largely male-dominated industry, and instead of being celebrated for your professional prowess, you have been dragged unwittingly into something that could concern your career progression and development and cheapen your professional reputation. I think you need to make it VERY clear with HR that you have documented everything in case of further harrassment, defamation or gossip and for evidence for potential employment tribunal.

Tbh I kind of think OP is maybe a bit into her boss and is enjoying some of the attention and maybe the boss is a bit flirty too. Especially the whole messages afterwards joking about others being drunk at the same table.
this is likely what got the wife suspicious too. Of course nothing untoward has happened - but maybe OP wish it did? If not, you’d just deal with it so simply by responding calmly and kindly to correct the mistake.
Im saying this as someone who had an emotional affair with my boss and I know how exciting these things can be. Nothing untoward happened and no one could put a finger on anything and yet, it’s the little tiny things of how you communicate etc which tells it all.
you haven’t done anything wrong but the main thing here is that the wife has sensed something and you need to first and foremost STEP AWAY from your boss.

so the main thing is not to tell him about this and not to tell HR. Simply correct the mistake with the wife, do not tell your boss and keep your distance.

First reply nails it, @PassUstheJaffaCakes

I remember years ago, perhaps 15 years gone from high school, my two strictly platonic male friends and I and our partners had a weekend at a lake.
One’s wife was insanely jealous of me and ruined the atmosphere for everyone else. And they were married for 10 years for heaven’s sake.
I had absolutely no interest in him whatsoever except as a treasured old friend. Same with the other old friend and no issues there.
She sat on the sofa by herself and gave me dirty looks and if her husband (my friend since age 5) and I spoke, she wedged herself in between us. She made all 5 of us uncomfortable. It was ridiculous. It was comical.
I don’t know what it is about insecure women. Maybe it’s their cheating husbands. Maybe they have insecurities. Maybe they’re bitches, I don’t know.
But leave me the f*k out of it, thank you very much.

And yeah, although he probably has fucked around (as that is nearly always the case with "jealous" wives who get the blame for reacting to abusive behaviour by their husbands) and your instinct is to soothe her - you won't.

Just ignore her completely. You have already sent him the teams message. That's it. Block and move on. Any more than that looks like you are looking for drama.

obvs the wife is handling the situation disgracefully and why is she even looking at her husbands phone?
Some people are jealous and suspicious etc etc but these things are never straightforward. Why’s everyone acting as if we’re robots? Talking about HR and god knows what. Why can’t you deal with things in a more dialogue seeking fashion and with more compassion? The boss and his wife obvs have issues that you’ve been caught up in, but likewise, when to sense someone’s a bit of a flirt etc you don’t play into it with joking messages afterwards. Just don’t, it’s not professional. Don’t get that kind of thing on record, it’s just unwise.

honestly I think everyone who’s going on about HR as how dare she and it would never have happened is OP was a man etc etc have never been cheated on, been the other woman or been cheating yourself. Once you have you know how murky all the positions in these triangles are and you can spot the signs a mile off. OP, get over your secret desire for drama and mild attraction to your boss and run, he’s bad news.

could you ask her instead and say something along the lines of its not your dh i want, i was hoping me and you could meet for dinner etc and that your dh was a way to meet you etc ?

obviously its not that you would etc but you may have her back off etc

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband.

It’s a factual question.

I would just really “I am a colleague, I attended xxx event as requested by work.”.

Factual answer.

Whether he is a sleaze bag, whether she is a loon or a wronged and hurting woman, all irrelevant to you, don’t say “you’ve got it wrong “ or whatever, just stick to the bald true fact.

And as nutty woman has contacted the woman she thinks her husband is fucking, rather than dealing with it by leaving him or just, you know, talking to him, definitely avoid talking to her completely OP - do not message her or anything else at all.

A bad idea for the OP to even acknowledge she knows this woman exists, not to mention she had no right to text you in the first place.

There's nothing nutty about thinking he's fucked around if he has form, but absolutely batshit loony tunes to approach the woman he might be fucking instead of him.

I remember a wife of one of the engineers at a consultants I worked for years ago used to phone up hysterical and try this sort of thing. So sad for her as he was definitely a cheating pig, but women like that will blame ANYONE rather than deal with him and either leave him or put him back in his box and love to cause drama for other women.

Their problems are theirs stay out of it.

The company owe OP a duty of care. She is being harassed because she did her job. The company need to support her in sorting it out, just as they would if she were harassed by any other member fo the public while doing her job. In most companies that role rests with HR. Often managers are the front line, enacting the policies HR should be creating and monitoring. But, especially when the manager is a key part of the reason for needing support, accessing them independently can be necessary.

In OP's case she not only wants the harassment from the wife sorting out, which her manager may be able to easily achieve, but she also needs to protect herself from any fallout of her manager treating her differently to appease his wife. For that, having it logged with HR without her manager as an intermediary is important.

And while I can see why people baulk at the suggestion, nevertheless her manager has done something wrong - he should not have let his wife get hold of OP's contact details, just as he shouldn't let any other member of the public get hold of her contact details. Albeit he, like many people, may not have considered the risk and the need to mitigate it.

A word from the wise, having been caught up in a similar situation. Don't get involved in his marital problems, let them deal with it - it's not your problem. He could turn it round on you & you might end up losing your job to save his face.

You haven't done anything wrong, leave it that way.

This is absolutely a HR issue. The OP's boss has allowed a person from outside the organisation (whether or not this person is his wife is irrelevant) to access the OP's private phone number, and as a result she is now receiving concerning personal messages. This could potentially escalate and affect the OP in both personal and professional ways.

The OP does not know the person messaging her, for all she knows that person may even be lying about being the boss' wife (what if it was a previous partner/lover who wants to cause grief?).

I would absolutely request an urgent confidential meeting with HR and ask for advice about what to do, and have a paper trail to prove every step. And I would not, under any circumstance, reply to the message.

First off I think you're married to a jewel. I think a phone call at this point even if you have to leave a voice mail do so.

Your imagination must keep you entertained now the nights are drawing in.

OP says she has happily married and there is nothing between them. Nothing in her posts suggest otherwise. You are projecting your own experience, which is not universal, and not relevant to OPs situation.

WTAF? Some really dire attitudes out there. It would never occur to me to think twice about posing for a photo at a work event with any of my colleagues - married or not. I have never been accused of anything remotely inappropriate with any of them by anyone - including their spouses or mine. My behaviour at work and work events is professional because I’m 100% aware that this reflects on my own professional image and that I am there to represent my company. OP is too. Calling someone a bitch because they have had their photo taken to promote their company’s success is extremely out of line and not at all in the spirit intended when mumsnet began these forums.

The spirit of mumsnet is to have women bitch and carp at one another in order to keep the clicks going. I'm afraid that has been true for years.

Good lord ... "...whole messages afterwards joking about others being drunk at the same table.."

Did OP say the messages were afterwards, is it not possible they were during, one liners 'omg lady in sparkly frock is going to be calling for Huey later' or 'ginger neck beard is really going to regret this in the morning*, rather than whispering whilst at the same table and risking the accidental 'too loud whisper in a quiet moment'.

Often events like this get pretty tedious particularly if you're on a table with 1 person you know, are not that drunk and everyone around you is utterly trollied and embarrassing themselves.

Using whatsapp to discreetly send slightly snarky one liners is pretty commonplace - I've done it at conferences to the friend/colleague sat next to me, generally to moan about someone asking an utterly inane question that was answered in the seminar had they been listening, or demonstrates such a low level of understanding of the subject one questions why they are attending as they have zero ability to extrapolate and make use of the information they are getting.

Do stop projecting @leftorrightnow.

Op said she sent him jokey messages afterwards. "Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table."

OP got a taxi in with him and posed for pics afterwards and he sent her photos of the two of them, and then they both sent jokey messages. And we have no idea what the tone of their messages was like either, OPs hardly going to admit if she was being a little too friendly.

If his wife knows he fucks around (and OP also mentioned there are rumours he used to party hearty) his wife can't be blamed for being suspicious.

But she can be blamed for contacting OP, she has a husband problem. If not OP it will be someone else.

I am not suggesting Op has done anything wrong btw, but it is a very good idea to remember to keep all interactions with workmates totally and completely and utterly professional. No blurring of lines makes it impossible to be the recipient of this sort of approach.

And frankly her boss should know he has to deal with an extremely jealous wife (possibly for good reason, we don't know) and make sure his female colleagues aren't set up like this. As someone said earlier, he has a duty to keep her phone number private. I do not believe for one second this is the first time her boss and his wife have had words about his behaviour - whether warranted or not. Her boss needs to do better at maintaining a scrupulously professional relationship with all female employees at all times - or sort his marriage out.