Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

I doubt that very much

I wouldn't reply, but definitely tell your boss once he's back at work. I wouldn't message him while he's off, as that would give her more "ammunition". I would also tell my DH. Good luck...

Absolutely.

Yeah I think your approach is right.bid also informally tell HR to cover yourself.

The OP had the sense to come to this conclusion pages and pages ago. No matter how many people argue the toss about their strange investment in other people’s marriage spats, and their desire for OP to involve herself in these, OP will not be doing so. She also appears to have got what she needs from the thread and stepped away some time ago.

This OP sounds wise. Nothing good could possibly come of engaging with his wife on this score. It would be a fool’s move. When others try to draw you into theatrics that are none of your concern, then the less you say, the less there is on record that might be used against you.

A quiet logging of the situation with HR to cover OP’s back is necessary in case this escalates.

This is so difficult and it's very unfair that you've been put in this position. I wouldn't reply at all, her tone is awful, expecting you to explain yourself to her. She should be asking him. I would also block her. Don't give her any info at all. She could be an abusive partner, tormented by her cheating husband, a jealous troublemaker or all three.
If you start telling her your boss's whereabouts that night, what if he didn't want her to know and has lied about it for his own reasons? You get dragged in, and he'll not thank you for dropping him in it, even if he deserves it.

It was me who this happened to and this is solid advice! HR thought it was totally bonkers that I hadn’t mentioned it before because when you take emotion out of it (i.e not wanting to cause upset to your colleague or their wife who you don’t even know, all the time you ponder over what they might be going through in their own relationship etc,) why wouldn’t you escalate through the formal procedures that someone is harassing you on your personal phone number, making unwanted contact to accuse you of something you haven’t done just because you work in the same office as their partner?

The vibe I got from HR was very much ‘well if you hadn’t done anything, surely you would have come straight to us’! Which, when you think about it, if you’ve done nothing wrong, you should be absolutely outraged that you’re being contacted in this way for turning up and performing your contracted work responsibilities.

Yes I agree. Also

I’m really sorry this happened to you! And yes, I totally understand what you mean with your last paragraph - it is outrageous when you take the emotion out of it and anybody being accused in their professional capacity of something they haven’t done is entitled to feel that way. If it happened to me I know I would feel absolutely furious - the fact that I would also feel sympathy for the woman involved, and perhaps the boss, is neither here nor there when it’s your career on the line.

Tell your boss that unless he gives you a pay rise, you'll tell his green eyed monster wife that you are so shagging him!!

How's that going to go down with the OP's husband?

Tell him, he'll be all in for the money if he's any sense.
Obviously it may not go down well with the police, which is why it was a joke (or was it?)

I haven't read the thread fully, so apologies if this has already been said, but surely this is a GDPR issue - you have let your boss have your personal phone number for solely work related things, and he has given his wife access to it. That is 100% not ok.

I’d message your boss and say your wife has sent me an accusatory and harassing message; please sort this out immediately, I so I do not have to take this matter further. I do not appreciate being contacted in this manner by a professional colleague’s spouse.
None of this is your problem OP. I mean make it sound nicer if you have to butter up your boss on a day to day basis, but if you work in the public sector; I’d have no hesitation in sending quite a forceful message to him.

The Police are going to be very busy investigating the crimes being committed in this workplace!

True, but then the response should be the same - block, ignore, tell the boss. He has to deal with the person he's married to. Engaging with her in any way would be nuts.

If your boss hasn't responded to your concerns yet, I would go to HR.

Not sure I'd go to HR to be honest. You could reply, it depends. What were the photos like? Was your dress particularly skimpy? We're you embracing in any way? I know all of this can be innocent, but try and think objectively about why she's got the wrong impression?
It could be that he's got a history of cheating - or it could be something innocent in the photos being misconstrued - I think if there's any chance of that I'd be replying and explaining it.

It's a rotten situation to be in and needs to be handled carefully to avoid it blowing up and becoming a workplace rumour or something - the usual office gossips saying there's no smoke without fire or some such nonsense.

Intimate? Dating undertones?

WTF???

Good grief I’ve heard it all now 😂😂

I am always too late to add a comment but in case any use ..

I had similar .. I worked with a colleague with same name as me who WAS sleeping with the boss. The wife somehow got my number (no idea how) and called me asking where her husband was!!

I said I didn't know what she meant as I was at home (with my partner at the time). Of course I clicked as I said it that was what was happening as we had the same name.

If it was me, to nip it in the bud (as you never know how people think, or overthink if hurt before) I would respond once and only - professionally advising you are his work colleague and attended an event for work. I might even add thanks for the message but if you have concerns, speak to her husband as you don't think it's appropriate she message you in this way.

😂😂 GTF , guessing you’re Scottish 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 !
it’s such a well used response up here 😆

I wouldn’t reply OP and tell your boss to sort it oot !
Don’t involve HR .
No one needs that hassle , at this stage anyway

But what if he's just furious with her for going to HR? It could wreck the working relationship forever. He's not going to be happy if attention is drawn to his marital issues or whatever is going on - especially if whatever is causing his wife to act like this has nothing to do with anything at his work. OP should put it all in a message, with wording that makes it clear that nothing's been going on between her and the boss and it's all in the wife's head, and saying she blocked her and didn't respond - on a company channel, probably. Then there's a record. But going to HR is more risky than just telling the boss and hoping he can get the wife to lay off - for now at least. If she does that to him he'll be looking for a way to get rid of her for sure.

Is this serious?? You're asking OP what she was wearing!!? JFC

Just trying to establish what's caused the unwarranted reaction from the wife.

As I said I wouldn't be contacting HR, and to be honest I wouldn't be contacting the boss either.

Maybe worth replying to the wife though if she's clearly got the wrong end of the stick and the misunderstanding can be explained away.

These things have a nasty habit of blowing up and I'm only trying to help the OP.