Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

Block her op and send message via teams or work email to boss.

Agree

the wife knows nothing of the OPs position

what if the OPs DH was abusive or jealous or already suspected an affair and this proved it to him!

being cheated on is awful but contacting ‘the other woman’ with no proof is awful too

I wonder if op has shared the photos with her team. The photos got the bosses wife's back up what will the team think. Offices are pressure cookers for gossip. If he is a serial cheat and his wife feels that strongly to message the op then maybe it's happened before. I wonder if he has a reputation that the op knows of. I suppose she can always wait for the bored office workers to start chin wagging.

If your boss has access to Teams on his phone his wife can also see the messages then too possibly if she is already looking through it. So you really have no ensured private channel except an in-person catch up.

I would message her:

Dear X,

I am writing to request that you cease all further contact with me.

Your husband is my manager and therefore my employer, and we recently attended a professional event as part of a work-related trip. I am deeply offended by the implication that anything inappropriate occurred. These insinuations are entirely unfounded, and I consider them a direct attack on my personal and professional integrity.

Furthermore, I believe you have obtained and used my personal contact information without consent, which may constitute a breach of data protection laws.

If this behaviour continues, I will have no choice but to seek legal advice to protect myself from further harassment and defamation.

This matter is now considered closed. Please do not contact me again.

Sincerely,

@PassUstheJaffaCakes

Then I think we are in agreement - I read your post as having to respond to the wife. I would not respond to the wife at all. Not OPs job to get involved or reassure and nothing she says will make any difference.

@Goldenbear - who knows what is going on with the wife? She may be reacting to previous events. Or she may be pathologically jealous and insecure. Its doesnt really matter, OP does not owe any information to anyone, and the position is that trying to draw her into problems between boss and his wife.

@Rosscameasdoody - what has happened between them before makes no difference here though - the OP does not have to respond to anything. And lets face it - if the wife is that mistrusting, nothing OP says will satisfy her.

At my work if it was discovered someone else had looked at my email/teams I would get a disciplinary as I should have my computer /phone secured at all times

it sounds like he sent the photo from his personal phone though

I’m not saying he isn’t the problem but the way to deal with a cheating spouse is not to message random women at his workplace.

i suspect @Goldenbear is the wife, or her best friend.

@PassUstheJaffaCakes owes nothing to this woman who has behaved badly.

Would you think the same if the sexes were reversed? No. You’d think the spouse was insanely jealous and inappropriate.

If you do need to text him, I would suggest keeping it very short and asking him to check his work messages. Nothing more than that.

Stravaig, the workplace female colleague with progressive opinions on women asserting boundaries at work but extremely retrograde views of women that don't agree with her!

Exactly the same reason that you don’t turn your life upside down to try to placate someone with severe anxiety because then it just feeds it and then it escalates.

Perhaps ParmaVioletTea is the boss, who is having an affair or is a man reading this thread and dreaming of freedom from his staid, stale marriage. Who knows, who knows..

"A taxi ride to an event is quite intimate, especially the whole divert to your home and picking up thing (dating undertones). I would not have done this but don't think you were wrong exactly, just naive."

So their work has to pay for two taxis? Picking someone up to travel somewhere doesn't necessarily have 'dating undertones'. People lift share all the time.

It’s outside of work. HR more than likely won’t care.

I’m quoting this post from much earlier because few people on here seem to understand work boundaries or how serious this could turn out to be for the OP.

Do not respond to the wife. Do not contact the boss. Contact HR.

Stravaig is one of the few posters on this thread with their head screwed on straight.

You shouldn't put yourself down like that, some of your posts do make a bit of sense.

Try and take him to one side and explain what has happened.

Op - Definitely don’t do this!!!

Personally I would have a conversation with HR. You aren’t logging a complaint you are just having a conversation. Sometimes these things have a weird way of turning out so it’s always good to protect yourself even when you haven’t done something wrong.

It’s not about the wife’s behaviour, it’s about what the boss might do and the impact on OP. Somebody earlier on in the thread has explained how when this happened to them, the colleague went and asked to be moved so as to not have to work with her any more and HR insinuated she had done something wrong.

Having worked in employment law before I’ve seen the crazy messed and employment tribunal claims from people who have been in these sorts of situations, it’s affected their promotions etc etc. If I were the OP, I would absolutely go to HR and ask how they want you to handle it so that they are fully on board in case anything happens later down the line. What if the boss decides to throw the OP under the bus? It does happen.

I would forward to his work phone and say “Please resolve this otherwise I’ll be discussing with HR. I can’t imagine I’d be challenged in this way if I were a man.”

I think you need to bluntly call this out for what it is - sexism and misogyny. If she checks his phone this should give both of them a wake up call. If you don’t call it out now, you’ll get side-lined for other events.

Also, you’re saying ‘block her, end of’ - but you don’t know what the wife will do if and when she’s blocked. It might not be ‘end of’ for her - she might find OPs social media, or work email address.