Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

It doesn’t really matter if the wife is a crazed jealous lunatic or a wife who has been cheated on so many times she’s at the end of her tether. And ultimately not knowing means answering is even worse because OP has no idea what she would be walking into

and why is not answering suspicious? I wouldn’t expect someone ‘innocent’ to respond to that. It’s not their job to convince a total stranger they’re not having an affair with their husband. Feels like trying to prove a negative!

Yes I agree.

1. Do not respond to any messages.
2. Block her number.
3. When boss returns from leave have a word.
4. Leave it at that.

So ask the husband. Don’t start messaging random work colleagues of his accusing them!

its not OP’s responsibility to assuage this woman’s fears, regardless of her boss’s track record. I would never get embroiled in this sort of nonsense, my colleagues marriages are theirs to manage

What time did he "pick you up?"did you share a meal? Was there candles on the table? Did you wear a low cut dress? What time did event finish? Did you travel back to hotel together? My god! They will be wanting you to take a lie detector next! 😂

What, not even if you felt sorry for her and you might lighten someone's pain? Where's your humanity- it's just a flipping text!

Don’t think it’s necessary to involve HR now. It can get complicated or exaggerated. Talk to your boss face to face in confidentiality first and then reply professionally with some agreement.

Maybe she has asked her husband, she could have easily done both.

You are within your rights to say nothing and block, but the kinder thing would be to say 'we are colleagues, this was a work event, and there is nothing between us. I am happily married and I have no interest in your husband. This is all I have to say on this and I prefer you don't contact me directly again.'

Exactly. So she needs to tread very carefully at work. And he needs to get his wife under control.

That won’t make a single speck of difference to a suspicious wife.

So you have no concept of how it would feel to find messages from another woman on your husbands’ phone if he’s had affairs in the past? And if so, asking him won’t help - he’s hardly going to admit it. There’s clearly a lack of trust there and while that’s obviously not OPs problem, the messages are understandable if his wife has caught him out in lies about work events.

You could equally well ask where the wifes humanity is, putting OP in this position.

Yes, I would definitely say that I was married.

That's why I asked what the OP's husband said, I think my DH would be a bit more interested in making it clear that I was married but yeah, he's a bit more of a jealous type not in a big bad mean way before anyone jumps on this.

Where’s my humanity😂😂😂. I’m not suggesting the wife is executed. I am simply saying that my colleagues marriages are theirs to manage. I doubt a text message denying an affair would ‘lighten this woman’s pain’.

There is clearly a broken marriage here with no trust. A text message is not going to fix that - and is unlikely to be believed. So what next - get drawn in further and further, arguing your innocence. Reassure her that he isn’t involved anyone else in the office? Tell her what time he leaves every day?

Nope - no man would be expected to reassure his boss’s husband that he isn’t having an affair with her.

He needs to get his wife under control ?? This isn’t the 1950s. If she’s behaving this way because he’s cheated before then he’s part of the problem.

Exactly this

What position? Asking a question and she could be affronted but the OP isn't experiencing any emotional pain over this that's akin to suspecting your husband is having an affair- if he is. The woman clearly is being reactive.

If nothing has happened why not put the woman out of her misery and tell her the truth. It would look more suspicious to me if you spoke to him first

Depends on how many times he’s cheated, because this kind of lack of trust doesn’t come from nowhere.

At least now we know how to deal with any similar messages in future.
Reply 'That you, Goldenbear?' then block. Inform boss via work comms. Consult with HR.

Again, OP doesn’t know this woman and this isn’t a social issue. It’s a work issue. It doesn’t matter if it looks more suspicious to the wife. That is not OP’s concern.

I disagree, what, so no man who suspects his girlfriend/wife of playing away has confronted the situation head on? That's like saying, men don't feel jealousy or act upon it, which we all know is a load of bollox!

There's no what next, you send one short factual text and if she doesn't believe you, you don't get drawn in to anything.

I would definitely message her a polite, professional message and that would be out of courtesy- to go through his phone and message you screams insecurity and it’s a possibility that was caused by him in the past. The fact you have not replied , for me if I were in her position , would make me believe there was something untoward . I would simply message and say “ hi , I’m xx I work with xx , we were at a work event . I was not going to reply as I am a professional and this is not something I want to be involved in , but I do not want you to take my silence the wrong way and be worrying when there is nothing to worry about . It was a purely professional event , I am happily married and I do not even talk to xx outside of work . I would kindly ask that you keep me out of your personal matters and anything going forward is dealt with through Hr “

I would also definitely report to HR and not have any contact with the husband.

Did you mean this to sound like that?

shes not a dog that needs muzzling