Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

But she hasn't and it is highly unlikely that she would.

I'm sure the boss is well aware it's his problem to solve but replying to a text with a summary of the facts or just leaving it to see what happens when he returns from leave is not akin to the OP providing marriage counselling.

The OP has the evidence in texts that she can call upon if something does happen. She has to work with this man and he's her LM so presumably a bit awkward if she complains too loudly.

How do you know the OP is "Junior", did she state this?

She said he’s her boss

my point isn’t the woman is a raving loony - but this is his responsibility regardless of the wife having free will

this is a total minefield - doing nothing is the safest option because if she replies you don’t know how wife/boss will perceive it

Finally someone sensible.

Yes, I know he's the boss but it doesn't necessarily mean the OP is junior staff, the posts read like she is mature enough to handle the situation.

It is his marriage so yes, it is his concern but I wouldn't class a text message response as particularly burdensome but I don't tend to overthink things.

Does the word boss not imply he is senior to her? Otherwise it would be colleague?

a text may not be burdensome but you have no idea how it would be received or interpreted.

hopefully OP has heard from boss and it’s all resolved with no further drama

By 'it’s often the junior/woman who bears the brunt.' I understood that poster to mean 'the junior OR the woman' ie in this case it's the woman, in another case it might be someone junior.

I might be wrong but I definitely would not text and if it ramped up any more and I had to contact her, I would ring her, and say I received messages form
this number, can I help you?

I would record the conversation also.

But really if possible I would wait until Monday and talk to him. I would not be involving HR or anyone else at this point as she could be ill
or anything could be going on.

Yes, hopefully, I wonder if we will ever know..

no but he should have been controlling access to the OP's personal details.

Do you think he knew?

It appears she had access to the information on his phone.

I think that nothing you say will satisfy her, so would not reply. I would not tell HR but I would tell a trusted colleague that you had a weird message from Bosses wife, in case it turns into anything more in future.

Good God don't tell 'a trusted colleague'!
a) you may be surprised, and not pleasantly, at how people you thought you could trust react when the chips are down
b) why bring someone into this who, unlike HR, isn't paid to deal with problems like this

I have never had that kind of experience, but perhaps I chose well and worked with nice people. And I wouldnt give full details, just that I got a weird message. I would not take it to HR before talking to the boss, because I think that would escalate and formalize it in a way that is really unhelpful.

This!!

From a purely Glaswegian point of view in some ways, it sounds quite attractive 😁

Oh dear, this is such an over the top response by DW, that i would suspect she has done this before due to MH issues (or is a understandable response to a regular pattern of philandering by her husband)... but you cant know either way...so you need to be careful to avoid her contacting you again, AND in any future conversations with him about this topic.

Providing you can be assured of confidentiality, I would definitely have an informal chat with HR...only because if this blows up or becomes an issue in the future...then you will be better protected by having this on the record. Im thinking about it adversely affecting future possible promotions etc.

Its not your fault that the manager is away, or is likely to be v embarassed. He will likely be ashamed whether you speak to HR or not. By all means speak with him when he comes back, but i would not put anything in writing or be sending texts to anyone. Id even be minded to record that conversation.

Boss has been off on leave since the event.

Do you know if this was planned leave?

Absolutely no chuffing way would I be giving her proof of life by responding to the texts. For all you know, the (potentially) mad bitch has her husband lassoed to the four poster Misery style and standing over him wielding a mallet whilst shouting "It's for the best!"

(I have a vivid imagination)

Block her.
Email him. Set out that it's unacceptable and if it happens again you'll be speaking to HR. I'd consider it a great kindness not to cc or notify HR already.

Go to HR, get them to sort it out

I'd be careful if going to HR at this point tbh. You can't just have a chat with them and log something in case you want them to do something in the future. By telling them now you are involving them formally and they'll be expected to take some sort of action. Whether it's speaking with him on your behalf, raising a grievance, they'll want to know what you're telling them for, what do you want them to do, they can't just sit on it.

Hope you (or rather he!) get this sorted, OP!

I had similar moons ago, though extremely different job wise, as a p/t evening shop worker - I’d taken my bosses’ phone on a delivery as mine wasn’t working, the wife called and went well batshit is all I can say and kept calling every 3 minutes shouting. She was it turned out an alcoholic essentially - evenings mainly - and she caused no end of other problems when she was on one. She did though have reason not to trust him and I never really knew which came first - the drink or the cheating - it was a dreadful relationship that impacted on work and any female staff she found out worked there. I always wanted to say ‘don’t look at us love, look …’ but I felt that was never going to help anyone or anything. I felt guilty just for being in the arena of it all but it wasn’t a career so I could leave.
Other things I’ve seen at offices and with staff where ‘’the wife’ is concerned about something- and not me btw -a couple I know were somewhat justified as in the guy wasn’t totally trustworthy but then again not at work so it’s annoying it affected that. But one I’m fairly convinced was just massively jealous for little reason - though you never know of course.
It is however a problem when it impacts in the workplace and it is for the person involved with them to stop it whether their partner has a background reason or no reason is irrelevant really.
You’re doing exactly the right thing not engaging, as nothing you can say would change her mind on what she imagines imo. It’s his circus to manage but he needs to do so. I would think you may just have to go to HR if she continues as you have now given him the opportunity to resolve this so I’d deadline it with him tbh.

DO NOT REPLY TI HER. Once you make contact she won't believe you obviously, so will just be opening a can of worms by doing so. Let her give him the stick

Block her number and forget about it. I would keep things professional and not even tell the boss (unless he asks me). Not your monkeys not your circus.