Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

The only conclusion I have come to is that some people don't like their arrogance to be questioned so they shut down debate by stating everyone is a misogynist. Is it your get out of jail free card. Do you care that it diminishes women who are actually dealing with misogyny?

"Nah, pal. Couldn’t give a toss."

I'll leave you to your cultural neurosis now.

It is absolutely not a mountain out of a molehill. It's anticipating what problems this might cause. The OP has already said she's concerned about possible exclusion from work events in the future, and is talking from the POV of having seen how rumours and/or actual cheating can impact people's careers (maybe read her post about it if you haven't yet).
Getting things on record, and making her own part in events crystal clear, is good for the OP as it covers her back, and the company as they have a record of having been aware of this right from the start.

I was referring to the embellishments- the OP shouldn't go to HR and describe these imagined scenarios or describe the wife as 'unhinged', something she or anyone on this thread cannot assert with conviction.

In the first instance, I think the OP should reply with a short and factual text. If the wife replies with more scrutiny and disbelief only then would I go to HR.

From the OP's posts I very much doubt that she'd go to HR and use words like 'unhinged'. And these scenarios may be imagined in this case, but she says she has seen similar things happen before to the detriment of people's careers. It's perfectly fine to talk to HR with reference to these past events to explain why she feels it's right to put it on record with them.

Well maybe it's the workplace culture that is the issue then, in which case, referring to these scenarios won't make any difference to the outcome.

It is sledge hammer to a nut territory to take this action in the first instance.

The op better get legal advice.

Of course she shouldn't use the word "unhinged" about anyone to HR in any context. That is not what I was suggesting.

I used the word "unhinged" to describe the behaviour of sending three successive messages accusing someone I've never met of having an affair with my husband based on photos from a work event. The inappropriateness and unpredictability of that behaviour is the reason I would not engage directly with the wife at all.

As for the scenarios I laid out I have literally seen the first two happen to a close friend of mine, as I posted earlier in this thread. Her career recovered (because she's brilliant) but she went through a really awful time purely on account of her boss's wife's unhinged behaviour.

If someone came to me with this issue I absolutely would be interested. I would be asking in what capacity OP gave her phone number to her boss eg. was she clear it was for work purposes only and if so is that scenario covered in our GDPR policies and privacy statements. Depending on the answer to that question it would be a conversation with the boss on the importance of keeping personal data secure etc and it might even be a case of having to self report to ICO. (My company stipulates things like passwords on all phones whether work or personal if used for work purposes and not being given out to anyone etc)

There would be little I could do with regards to boss's wife but I would be asking boss to make it clear to wife that this was going to be an issue for him and the company takes this kind of harassment seriously.

You might want to log it internally as a data breach, but something like this absolutely wouldn't cross the threshold for being reportable to the ICO.

I'd disagree. It has already affected the OP's rights and freedoms.

I work in this field, this is not a reportable breach, they would tell you to go back to your employer and go through the complaints process.

You have quite a low threshold for what you determine to be 'unhinged'.

You can disagree all you like. It still wouldn't be reportable and the ICO wouldn't be interested.

You would need to make a record of it in case there is an investigation and questions are asked of the actions you took. You have to cover yourselves in case an employee decides to take legal action.

Yes, I already said that ir would need to be logged internally. That would include logging any actions taken, and we always include a screenshot of the completed risk assessment on the ICO website.

My point is not that you wouldn't have to deal with it as a data breach, but simply that it wouldn't be reportable to the ICO.

It's a natural reaction to want to message this woman and defend yourself against these undoubtedly allegations but it can only lead to more drama. She isn't going to believe whatever you say anyway and you then have this 3-way 'He said, She said.'
He has most likely been confronted by his wife, in which case there will be all sorts of dramas going on right now. And, if so, it's pretty telling that he hasn't reached out to you to check you're ok (which presumably he could do discreetly from a payphone to your office.)
But give him the benefit of the doubt and say he hasn't been confronted. That's another good reason not to contact her. How would he feel to discover the two of you were involved in a backstage row?

1.) So I wouldn't engage with this woman at all.
2.). Don't involve HR just yet but be prepared that you may need to, sooner rather than later depending on how this plays out.
3.). Speak to him on Monday. Tell him you're saddened to hear whatever he might be going through but it's not your circus, not your monkey.
You're speaking to him through courtesy and in the hope that you won't be dragged into this BUT that as a wholly innocent party you will have to consider going to HR in order to protect yourself.

Job done. Move on. And I really hope this will be ok for you. I'm sure it will be.

I'd just ignore and block her.

Keep it light with your boss too. don't involve HR it's nothing to do with them.

Keep things very business like with the boss. Sorry you're faced with this but don't get drawn in. I feel a bit sorry for the boss's wife tbh as she's probably got herself into a bit if a state. Hope to things settle down

Having just retired after 50 years in the corporate world I'm totally agog at some of the posts.

As a Pp said earlier, talk about a sledgehammer to crack a nut. Jesus the police have been brought into it ffs.😆

Several HR folk have posted yet I'm still seeing go to HR in the first instance. This is her boss, he's going to be mortified as it is, if this can't be sorted by him at a personal level then mores the pity and it can be escalated to HR, but at this stage I dont see the point of making a drama out of a crisis.

Op do update please!

what they can do is speak to the husband about his wife's behaviour. This has happened as part of a work event and the OP has a right to support while she is in work activities.

Well, yes, they could, and if the OP raised it with them, they would probably have to. But as a pp put it, it would be using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

There is no need to involve HR at this stage. The OP needs to just alert her boss and let him deal with it. If he can't or won't, then she could consider who else to involve.

I would reply: Hi Sharon; it’s Jaffacakes. I work with your husband. Perhaps you should ask him directly about the work event wr attended together ? Best, Jaffa.

Do not go to HR. That’s incredibly embarrassing for the boss. Presumably, you want a good relationship with him

But he isn't on control of his wife, he's not the boss of his wife, she has her own free will and has exercised that! If he's on leave, he may be trying to reconcile or sort his marriage out, I would see what happens when he returns.

So if she turned up at his work and was screaming and shouting for the OP to come out who would be responsible? Unfortunately for him this is his problem to resolve as it is impacting his professional life - not OPs and not HRs

the suggestion to speak to HR is about protecting herself from any future reputatiobal damage because, sadly, mud sticks and it’s often the junior/woman who bears the brunt.

At my work our HR dept will note things informally and delete on request. Wouldn’t go on bosses file or on OPs

gid the wife has issues!

I'd block and when he comes back tell him to deal with her and it's nothing to do with you and she wont be getting a response from you