Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

This.

How to misread Jane Austen....

I imagine HR would much rather OP was taking advice about the appropriate conduct and procedures for their employees to follow from the company HR department, and not from random posters on a public forum like MN.

I would do the above but do it from your work email to his work email (I am sure he will be checking them occasionally whilst off). That way there is an official paper trail and a note that you are disgruntled at such insinuations.

I was trying laugh too!!

Thank you! The good conclusion is that it pushed me to leave, I got on a fantastic graduate scheme and the charity in question lost all government contracts and folded within a year so colleague and shitty line manager lost their jobs.

My main takeaway is OP should go to HR - protect herself and her own interests. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to embarrass my colleague and thought private life doesn’t belong in the public sphere of work, but colleague was the one who went straight to HR and line management!

On reflection, I do wonder if colleague may have been having an affair with someone else and I was the collateral damage to throw their partner off the real scent and salvage the relationship. I wouldn’t underestimate what OPs boss might do - I thought my colleague would be way too embarrassed about the whole thing and would think it was utter nonsense but clearly not!!!

This was a work event I was attending in a professional capacity. As a woman (protected status) I should be able to attend a professional event with a colleague without this sort of unwarranted intrusive contact and defamatory insinuations, which for the record I categorically deny. I am appalled at this breach of my privacy and am asking you in writing not to contact me again. I will be logging this with HR.

I would take this to HR, ask them not to mention it to him yet, set out what has happened, what you have done, ask for their advice on what to do/not do.

That way IF its necessary, your version of events is in there first - if boss deals with appropriately and quickly, fine, it need not go any further. If he doesn't for whatever reason, then further input/action from HR might be needed.

Your plan is a good one - don’t reply and mention it to him when he’s back in the office. He will probably be mortified and may know nothing about it.

Horrible experience for you, OP.

I would be so annoyed op in your position! How dare she need your explanation. You work together. If they have trust issues in their relationship that’s their business. She can’t go accusing his colleagues because they spend time with him. She may be a controlling type or he has hurt her. Either way I would block her and only speak directly to him. You need to protect yourself and remain professional.

I would cover by back and speak with HR

Goodness, you are between a rock and a hard place OP. If you answer her civilly theres a huge chance she wont believe you anyway and if you ignore her she'll have all sorts of scenarios in her head.

Not your problem of course but you've been dragged in and Id want it sorted as soon as possible... so I'd send a text message with the screenshots of her messages and copy her in also, so you are sending to both of them:-

Hi Bob, as you will see by the attached, your wife has messaged me three times now, asking about the night of the corporate event. As you can see there are implications that we are more than professional work colleagues!

As you can imagine this is making me feel very anxious going forward at work as it appears to be escalating, and I really would prefer if we could resolve it without having to go down official channels.

Thank you

Rightly or wrongly I’d have just messaged back straight away to say you’ve got the total wrong end of the stick and nip it in the bud. I know a lot of others are saying absolutely don’t message back and maybe they are right but it wouldn’t have occurred to me not too. I wouldn’t have carried on a dialogue with her if it persisted but what would have been the harm in just replying and explaining like you have on here. It still would have been embarrassing for your boss and of course inappropriate to have sort your number but I think it would have ended the matter.

I personally would text her with a very firm message

"I will be contacting HR to report your husband for inappropriately passing on my personal phone number. Please do not contact me again."

That's a good idea, and had I used it, I would happily admit it, if I had the forethought to use it, which I did NOT!

Why is everyone so provocative and rude these days?

Tbh I would answer her that they were photos from a work event where you were in a professional capacity, nothing more. And then block.
You don’t know what’s going on and what your boss is telling her and how. I would rather tell my side of the story myself, just in case.

Well that would be marvellous for her ongoing professional relationship with her boss wouldn’t it. Issuing threats is always the way to defuse a situation - not.

I'm curious at what the couples initials are.

Exactly

That's why I thought sending it to them both difuses it because you are immediately marking her card that you are fuming at the accusations and letting him know that also, but giving him the option of dealing with it. At the same time youre telling him if its not nipped im the bud you may take it further.

If hes innocent he will be mortified and hopefully deal with it.

The OP should be able to discuss this issue with HR in total confidence. There would be no reason for HR to discuss her private concerns with her boss at all unless things escalate, in which case it would be a good thing if they have already been made aware of the situation.

Out of interest what can HR do about someones wife

The wife's husband is ops boss a lot could happen. It's in the companies interest to know. My partner worked in the corporate world every year there was redundancies. There was a job that was made up and a colleague of his took it and then a year later he was made redundant. He could find a reason to make her redundant. Op has to keep her boss on his toes.

It’s a massive transparent legal process with a criteria to follow to make someones job redundant
you can’t just make someone’s job redundant because there wife’s a twat

nether can a company suggest control your wife

I don't think anyone thinks HR can do anything about the boss's wife. Informing HR is about anticipating the likely outcomes and documenting the OP's side, in case the unhinged wife steps up the harassment; or she backs down, but only after getting her husband to agree to decreased contact with the OP - something which could have a serious impact on her career if she's excluded from projects or overlooked for promotion. It could even be useful if the wife falsely accuses another of her husband's female colleagues at a later date.

Goodness, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill! OP, do this if you are prepared to be called out for your embellishment of the facts!