Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

The only conclusion I can come to is that you are married to a man you don't trust and have so much internalised misogyny that you will always think your husband's complete disrespect and lack of respect towards you is another woman's fault. Take care. Won't reply again x

Amen. Jane Austen also had this one bang to rights.

Lady Catherine (to Elizabeth on the question of her 'engagement' to Darcy): 'I am almost the nearest relation he has and I am entitled to know all his dearest concerns'.

Elizabeth: 'But you are not entitled to know mine; nor will such behaviour as this induce me to be explicit!'

QED.

Hard agree! I have just been asked if I am a "girl". Not sure if it's ageist, transphobic (I could be a man), or just complete misogyny. I'm going for all three.

I agree with this approach. She is compromising you professionally by making these accusations. You don't need to make a complaint but I would log it confidentially with HR in case it blows up at a later stage. I would also ignore the messages and flag to your boss immediately when he returns.

“Hi [Name], I understand you have questions. This was a company-organized event, and [Colleague] and I attended in a professional capacity. We stayed in separate rooms and shared a taxi for convenience. I’d prefer not to get involved in personal matters, but I hope that helps clarify.”

This is also a good response to nip in the bud in the meantime.

I think a Teams message is the right thing to do.
If you don't hear, I'd hesitate to text him as a) she may well be checking his phone, as you say and b) it looks less professional, and I think you need to be totally above suspicion.
He's back quite soon, so I'd just ignore further messages from her (I know that's hard) and then talk to him when he's back.
Or possibly, if her messages get really intrusive/insistent and impact on your work time and mind, speak informally to HR as a sort of 'heads-up' and tell them what action you've taken so far, and also explain your concerns about possible exclusion from future work events and the historical issue you've mentioned here.

Christ, I can practically hear the whooshing sound as the point flies over your head.

Is it really suspicious to refuse to engage with something that has nothing to do with you?

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾.

It really explains why this woman felt justified in messaging the OP, possibly creating a storm in her career; all because her marriage is unstable.

Whether he's a cheat or she's just paranoid is no business of the OP's, and she shouldn't pander to the bullshit.

This woman has given no thought, care or kindness to how her actions affect the OP.

I’d like to hope she has also confronted him - surely he’s set her straight and maybe she wants your side of the story to check it corroborates. That said, I wouldn’t reply to her, let him sort his own mess out. Block her.

Even ignoring the professional side

the wife doesn’t know the OPs personal situation - what if OPs husband was a suspicious or abusive type and saw that message? She sent that message with no thought to anyone but herself

I think that's called your imagination.

I think this is good, gets to the point in a breezy way, no drama

No, your point was s**t, I think that's what you should conclude..

@PassUstheJaffaCakes if he doesn't read the teams message and she keeps texting then I would text him a short 'Please check Teams urgently' message. Nothing more on text.

Hi OP!

Sorry this has happened to you - please consider going to HR ASAP. Something similar happened to me and I so wish I went to HR as I was treated like rubbish by so many of my colleagues as if I was guilty of something I hadn’t done. A colleague will throw you under the bus to save their own relationship and/or reputation even if you haven’t done anything wrong.

A quick summary below:

• Worked for a charity where people were paired up and responsible for schools in specific regions. I was paired with an older (late 30s) guy whilst I was a fresh grad.
• We didn’t have work phones and vast majority of work was conducting assemblies or workshops in schools. We would send a quick text using personal phones such as ‘on my way to X school now, be there in 5’ or ‘train delayed will be there in X minutes’. We often travelled from our own homes rather than work due to early starts. This was encouraged by the organisation.
• I received numerous missed calls from my colleague on a Saturday (I had been off work for bereavement leave) with his fiancée on the phone asking for me to prove nothing was happening between us. I was so shocked I put the phone down without responding as I was out with family.
• Colleague harassed me to send screenshots of our conversations as he had deleted them all (not sure why as there was nothing incriminating) and fiancée started to appear at work to pick him up to stare at me in a clear attempt to intimidate.
• Colleague asked to be moved to different region which was allowed on a temporary basis but not communicated to me or rest of team colleagues, he would just decline events with me (we had a team who would schedule them and pop them in our diaries) and my manager told me it was my job to find replacements. Other colleagues would question why my colleague wasn’t available on X or Y as it was expected you should always be doing your own event.
• I confronted our line manager who said colleague had asked to be moved from working with me due to problems this was creating at home and my line manager questioned me and seemed to insinuate that I had done something wrong.
• My line manager kept asking me why would I need to text my arrival time if we had already agreed it at work prior and why was I so bothered about colleague not working with me - I wasn’t bothered, I just hated that it was creating an atmosphere and that it was generating more work for me as I had to keep finding people to do events in my region and a gossip mill started that no senior individual took accountability for.
• In hindsight, I didn’t advocate for myself at all and I should have gone in hard about the impact on my wellbeing. At the time, I actually felt sorry for my colleague and tried to tread carefully as I didn’t want to cause upset meanwhile the whole saga ended up causing friction in my own relationship as my partner at the time kept saying no smoke without fire!!!

Exactly this. Screenshot and send to HR with your explanation. Let them deal with it - that’s what they’re paid for

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

This is the kind of collateral damage that this behaviour causes, and why I am not looking kindly upon a woman who would do this to another woman's life/career.

Running to HR as a senior manager is not a good look unless it’s absolutely necessary.

She has done nothing wrong here and the only person questioning her integrity is not an employee of the company.

By not giving her boss the opportunity to sort out this personal matter himself (and causing him professional embarrassment with HR colleagues) she’s not doing herself any favours re: promotion prospects.

If he fails to deal with it that’s a different matter re:HR but more reason to keep your powder dry.

There is very some silly advice on this thread.

Very well said 🙏

Why is it 'Running to HR'?
This potentially goes to the OP's professional reputation, her colleague's, and the company's. HR should be concerned about all of those things.

Following hoping for an update at some point.