Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

Maybe kindness is the wrong word, but what about civility? Has that gone too?

Choosing not to engage with histrionics not of OP's making and which have nothing to do with her is the diametric opposite of a 'defence approach'. People who have done nothing wrong don't have to bluster to defend themselves. No one owes an explanation of their personal conduct to anyone. The boss's wife chose to make unsolicited, inappropriate contact: OP can legitimately choose not to engage with it, and seems to have had the sense to do so.

A lack of engagement with an incendiary slew of messages is again the very opposite of 'confrontational'. Do you usually struggle this much with reading comprehension?

Indeed. This is someone who has been subject to unsolicited, unwanted contact of a confrontational nature. The idea that 'kindness' is an appropriate response to this nonsense is laughable.

Boss's wife is entitled to nothing, and nothing is precisely what she would get from me, but more importantly also from OP, who is after all the person directly affected by this extraordinary behaviour.

I agree I am thinking the same thing to. Just ignore that post 😳

Is civility now contacting people to accuse them of shagging your husband?

I detect a certain amount of projection permeating this thread. Thankfully OP seems to have had the sense to ignore it. This is about her and her situation, not individuals' personal experiences of involving dispassionate bystanders in their most intimate emotional affairs.

All very unedifying.

This

Agree!

How's that 'abuse'? It's a question that's awkward, the woman has clearly cathected her fears onto the OP in which case reply with a short, informative message would be a fine thing to do. What's all the drama about, why intent on being a victim, surely people can navigate some things for themselves without calling the Police, or aligning themselves with abuse victims..

To me, civility is how I want to treat others. The wife has obviously made a huge error and overstepped massively. I would still be civil towards her and see if that diffuses things. There are some very gracious and civil people in my life whom I admire hugely and I suppose this is how I would expect them to behave and it’s how I would expect to be treated. It’s always a good thing to start out by being gracious and then see what happens. It’s ok to be the bigger person, that is a good thing! Why not aim towards that? I also know a few ‘block and report’ types who would have an immediate hostile reaction- they aren’t people I admire or want to emulate.

OP doesn’t know this woman. She doesn’t know if treating her with civility won’t blow up in her face

OP has to protect her professional standing so she needs to deal with this in a professional manner. Contacting the wife makes it personal.

I don't really understand why everyone is always a victim of something, don't you feel you are letting yourself down with your lack of resilience. It must be exhausting to be so wet!

I completely agree with this for personal relationships. Not for professional ones like OP's. This is very different, this is her boss.

And without saying the world is ruled by men. OP could find she's pushed aside professionally if the husband tries to appease his wife. The company may do everything to keep him happy if he's valuable to them. Being all nice here might not get OP anywhere.

If that's the way the company rolls then the OP won't win either way.

It's abuse and is also a criminal offence under the telecommunications act. Do you often call complete strangers to accuse them of having sex with your husband? Because it sounds like you think this is completely normal behaviour and that the woman being accused somehow has to justify that they're not. THAT is misogynist behaviour for all your "right on sister" posts in this thread. There is an abuser and a victim here. The wife is the misogynist abuser, the colleague is the victim of a woman blaming another woman because she can't trust the man she foolishly married.

If OP responds then she has engaged and if the boss turns this nasty he can try and turn that on her

now the poor guy is probably having a shit holiday being given the silent treatment and not knowing why - but on the off chance he is having an affair and is trying to dig himself out of a hole then there is a risk he throws OP under the bus.

by staying detached and factual it makes it much harder for that to happen

let him know, log it informally with HR, keep the screen shots and then move on

That's true but in my experience this is ripe for the OP to get s**t on.

I was in the corporate world for a long time. Sadly the sexist, misogynistic carry on goes right up to some boardrooms.

Do not try and comfort her. I had this many years ago, it was awful. Colleague not boss but she used his phone to ring me and ask what was going on. I told him and he was completely unbothered - oh she’s always like that. WTF?? By the end of that first phone call she’d turned from accusing me to trying to tell me her marriage woes. She phoned once again and I told her (on the advice of my police officer husband ) that if she ever phoned again I’d be reporting her to the police for harassment.

he may have form, she may be suspicious for no reason but not your problem.

Did that OP get a phone call then?

I don't think the Police will involve themselves at this stage.

It's not abuse, what just because you state it is. What is 'normal behaviour' as an adult anyway, is not denying your own agency. Some of us can take action without fretting about our victim status for longer than two minutes. Equally, if we are a woman, some of us feel some solidarity towards other women and want to help.

Totally disagree with this. Treat other people how you want to be treated? I have lived my life like that. The wife treated the female colleague badly. I would have told her to get tae, then reported it at work.

Curious, are you a 'girl'?

Such a feminist!

Rule #1 of misogyny. 'Women are responsible for what men do'.

Boss's wife needs to take up her angst with her husband rather than unleash a tirade of accusatory messages on any woman who happens to come into his orbit. That's misogyny.

Attempting to cajole other women that they are under any obligation to insert themselves into others' relationships merely because they demand it, is misogyny. Particularly when the woman concerned has clearly articulated how uncomfortable she is with the situation.

The demand for 'civility', when this is the wife of a workplace superior who could directly affect OP's career and which puts her into the subservient position here - is also misogyny. It's making the woman responsible for whatever the man might have chosen to get up to during his work events. Had OP even gone so far as to shag him she would still be under no obligation to justify her personal behaviour to his presumptuous wife. That's a matter for her to take up with him.

The assumption that all this is the responsibility of a woman who happens to be a dispassionate bystander is misogyny personified. Particularly when it's dressed up under the mealy-mouthed platitude of 'solidarity to the sisterhood'.

The cognitive dissonance is strong on this thread.

It is the OP's professional integrity and reputation in question. She has every right to go to HR. They have no need to speak to him about it - she is protecting herself here.

Some posters have a nerve insinuating that the boss's wife is the victim of misogyny when she's launched a potentially career-threatening bombshell into another woman's life with no justification.