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Original poster

Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

798 replies

PassUstheJaffaCakes · 20/10/2025 23:42

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 13:31

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 21/10/2025 13:15

I would screen shot the messages and message him direct and ask him if this is a joke or some sort of scam. I wouldn't like to have to sit on this for a week. I also wouldn't want his wife possibly going out of her mind, he could have had an affair and they are trying to fix it, or he could be having an affair, or she could just have trust issue but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and it seems like a strong reaction on her part - she could have a breakdown or something

Keep any copies of correspondence and mention it to HR in confidence just to be put on record in case the situation escalates

This is what I would worry about, if he was having an affair, I'd feel sorry for her and want to a)distance myself b) know that I could curtail the pain of not knowing. Equally, if it was a control thing on her part, a short professional message would help in a small way.

Falseknock · 21/10/2025 13:32

TheignT · 21/10/2025 12:10

Did OP say it was a work phone?

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She said he sent it to her phone so she can send to the rest of the team. It's all work related and op didn't deserve to have her private confidential details to be easily accessed by a stranger outside of work. It makes it worse that it came from her bosses phone there is no justification for the breach in confidentiality of others private details.

blackpooolrock · 21/10/2025 13:35

I think you have a bit of a strange attitude about contacting your boss. So what if he's on holiday... I feel if most people were accused of having an affair they would be straight on the phone to the other person saying sort this out - not fannying about saying oh he's on holiday i don't want to disturb him blah blah blah...

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
TheignT · 21/10/2025 13:36

Falseknock · 21/10/2025 13:32

She said he sent it to her phone so she can send to the rest of the team. It's all work related and op didn't deserve to have her private confidential details to be easily accessed by a stranger outside of work. It makes it worse that it came from her bosses phone there is no justification for the breach in confidentiality of others private details.

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Great but was it a work phone?

Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 13:46

Brefugee · 21/10/2025 13:30

i sincerely hope i never have to work with your partner.

She's overstepped majorly, and OP is right to ignore her batshittery

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You've totally misunderstood, I was explaining how you don't understand the definition of "Random" which if in doubt is as follows:
"unknown and unexpected in a particular situation" (Cambridge Dictionary). The OP is not 'unknown' and she would be 'expected' to be in this scenario so not Random at all.

My husband works away regularly, is accompanied by all sorts of people, meets all sorts of people, goes to conferences and professional body award ceremonies, believe me I would be texting quite a few people if this was a concern of mine. Equally, so would he as I work in a male dominated industry!

Maray1967 · 21/10/2025 13:47

BreadInCaptivity · 21/10/2025 00:01

As per my post above.

Message him and nip it in the bud now.

A short professional message is what’s required (that you assume his wife will read).

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Absolutely. Message him ( in the full knowledge that she’s going to read it) that his wife has contacted you (quote her words) and that you hope that he can deal with this so there’s no need for you to approach HR. That should be all that is needed.

Falseknock · 21/10/2025 13:48

TheignT · 21/10/2025 13:36

Great but was it a work phone?

Show quote history

Typical Mumsnet response there was a breach in confidentiality. He had no right to share her number. As her boss he should know that.

Falseknock · 21/10/2025 13:51

I was looking for a local hedge trimmer and asked a neighbour. He didn't give me his mates number he passed on my details and left the decision to his friend if he wants to contact me or not.

Gloriia · 21/10/2025 14:00

I've no idea why anyone would go to HR at this stage. Yes if It persists but surely first port of call is block and then tell tell him to tell his wife not to send inappropriate messages like this.
All very weird. Were you the only 2 in your team to go?

Tassielassie · 21/10/2025 14:13

Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 12:05

The Police? What do you think the Police will do?

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Good lord, are you seriously so naive as to have never heard of stalking or harassment?
These are crimes that are taken very seriously once logged with the police, and proof of screenshots are provided.

This woman has accessed her private information because her husband works with OP.

The OP did not provide her private number to her boss for it to be misused like this and for her to feel harrassed having represented the company at a corporate event.

OP has every right to be unimpressed and complain.

BauhausOfEliott · 21/10/2025 14:15

huffdragon · 21/10/2025 09:34

She doesn’t sound like a psycho. She sounds like a suspicious/anxious wife for who knows what reason.

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She sounds exactly like a psycho. Someone went to a work event with a colleague and perfectly ordinary photos were taken. This is a completely normal and everyday occurrence that happens to thousands of people every bloody day. Being 'anxious' about that is about as normal as being 'anxious' about your husband smiling when he says thank you to an assistant in a shop, and messaging the OP about it is about as normal as going into the shop the next day and demanding to know why your husband smiled at her.

Mumsnet really, really needs to stop normalising and dismissing harmful and controlling behaviour like this by other women. If a man was carrying on like the boss's wife, everyone would quite rightly be saying he was an absolute wrong'un, not saying 'Aw, he's just anxious, he must have reason to suspect something, and when two colleagues share a taxi it usually does mean they're fucking each other...'

BauhausOfEliott · 21/10/2025 14:17

A taxi ride to an event is quite intimate, especially the whole divert to your home and picking up thing (dating undertones). I would not have done this but don't think you were wrong exactly, just naive.

I can't be bothered to think of a politer way to say this: this is a fucking mental interpretation.

Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 14:21

Tassielassie · 21/10/2025 14:13

Good lord, are you seriously so naive as to have never heard of stalking or harassment?
These are crimes that are taken very seriously once logged with the police, and proof of screenshots are provided.

This woman has accessed her private information because her husband works with OP.

The OP did not provide her private number to her boss for it to be misused like this and for her to feel harrassed having represented the company at a corporate event.

OP has every right to be unimpressed and complain.

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No definitely naive, I'm thinking you may be though with your expectations of what the Police decide to investigate.

Edgeoutthepylon · 21/10/2025 14:22

PrettyPickle · 21/10/2025 12:36

Why I think sometimes it correct to say “Never JADE”

  • It can invite debate: Justifying or explaining might make the person feel like you're trying to cover something up.
  • It shifts power: Responding can make it seem like you're accountable to someone who isn't your boss or partner.
  • It rarely satisfies: If someone is emotionally triggered, logic and facts may not calm them — they want validation or control.

But in this case I think ignoring it may escalate the situation because

  • Silence can be interpreted as guilt: Especially if the person is already suspicious.
  • It leaves a vacuum: Without a response, they may fill in the blanks with worst-case assumptions.
  • It puts your colleague in a tougher spot: If you're silent, the pressure may shift entirely onto him and he may feel forced to ask you to clarify the situation to his wife or live a life without trust (and it already sounds like there are issues).

So lets try the middle ground Middle Ground: Calm, Boundaries Clarity
You don’t have to JADE in the traditional sense — but you can offer a brief, factual, and emotionally neutral response that sets boundaries and clarifies the situation. Something like:

“Hi [Name], I understand you have questions. This was a company-organized event, and [Colleague] and I attended in a professional capacity. We stayed in separate rooms and shared a taxi for convenience. I’d prefer not to get involved in personal matters, but I hope that helps clarify.”

This avoids over-explaining, keeps the tone respectful, and gently redirects the conversation away from personal territory. Keep copies in case it escalates which hopefully, after this response, it will not. I personally believe that if you do not respond it WILL escalate because this woman sounds desperate to have sent this message in the first place. You shouldn't have to do this, but I think this is the best way to try curtail this.

Edited
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Why are you getting chat gpt to write your posts.

Gloriia · 21/10/2025 14:25

Tassielassie · 21/10/2025 14:13

Good lord, are you seriously so naive as to have never heard of stalking or harassment?
These are crimes that are taken very seriously once logged with the police, and proof of screenshots are provided.

This woman has accessed her private information because her husband works with OP.

The OP did not provide her private number to her boss for it to be misused like this and for her to feel harrassed having represented the company at a corporate event.

OP has every right to be unimpressed and complain.

Show quote history

This is nowhere near an inform the police stage.

She need to tell her colleague, let him deal with it. If it persists HR, if it escalates to actual stalking and harassment then the police.

Edgeoutthepylon · 21/10/2025 14:26

Falseknock · 21/10/2025 13:51

I was looking for a local hedge trimmer and asked a neighbour. He didn't give me his mates number he passed on my details and left the decision to his friend if he wants to contact me or not.

Edited

Erm…..okaaaayyyyy?

Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 14:27

BauhausOfEliott · 21/10/2025 14:15

She sounds exactly like a psycho. Someone went to a work event with a colleague and perfectly ordinary photos were taken. This is a completely normal and everyday occurrence that happens to thousands of people every bloody day. Being 'anxious' about that is about as normal as being 'anxious' about your husband smiling when he says thank you to an assistant in a shop, and messaging the OP about it is about as normal as going into the shop the next day and demanding to know why your husband smiled at her.

Mumsnet really, really needs to stop normalising and dismissing harmful and controlling behaviour like this by other women. If a man was carrying on like the boss's wife, everyone would quite rightly be saying he was an absolute wrong'un, not saying 'Aw, he's just anxious, he must have reason to suspect something, and when two colleagues share a taxi it usually does mean they're fucking each other...'

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Pure hyperbole, you don't know anything about their marriage or whether he's having a affair, how can you possibly draw these conclusions. Nobody is normalising controlling behaviour, they are offering an alternative view on something.

Bruisername · 21/10/2025 14:29

Whatever is going on in the bosses private life is completely irrelevant. His wife has behaved inappropriately and could get him in trouble at work or, at a minimum, damage his reputation.

none of that is the OPs concern and she owes the wife nothing

SerafinasGoose · 21/10/2025 14:29

Maray1967 · 21/10/2025 13:47

Absolutely. Message him ( in the full knowledge that she’s going to read it) that his wife has contacted you (quote her words) and that you hope that he can deal with this so there’s no need for you to approach HR. That should be all that is needed.

Show quote history

Exactly right. Messaging him won't 'nip it in the bud'. It will escalate it.

I'm convinced some respondents on MN just enjoy the theatrics. These are people's lives. The objective here is to take the heat out, not throw petrol onto it.

Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 14:31

Gloriia · 21/10/2025 14:25

This is nowhere near an inform the police stage.

She need to tell her colleague, let him deal with it. If it persists HR, if it escalates to actual stalking and harassment then the police.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, this is logical. Do people not understand the workload of the Police. I watched a documentary on channel 4 about a woman who was being stalked I think by a work colleague and the Police involvement was very long and drawn out.

Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 14:33

SerafinasGoose · 21/10/2025 14:29

Exactly right. Messaging him won't 'nip it in the bud'. It will escalate it.

I'm convinced some respondents on MN just enjoy the theatrics. These are people's lives. The objective here is to take the heat out, not throw petrol onto it.

Show quote history

So you don't think there would be more drama with your defence approach, it sounds very confrontational and the silence is feeding the imagination.

StarlightRobot · 21/10/2025 14:33

I wouldn’t ignore and block. I don’t like the culture that has sprung up where this is the automatic reaction to anything uncomfortable. It’s unkind on a human level. I would reply as others have suggested and say that she’s had the wrong end of the stick, it was [ ] work event, completely professional and that you are happily married, etc. Then do nothing. If she starts sending crazy messages, that is the time to block. I’m not sure I would even tell my boss, I’d just let the dust settle and see what happens. Why act suspiciously when there is nothing untoward happening?

Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 14:36

StarlightRobot · 21/10/2025 14:33

I wouldn’t ignore and block. I don’t like the culture that has sprung up where this is the automatic reaction to anything uncomfortable. It’s unkind on a human level. I would reply as others have suggested and say that she’s had the wrong end of the stick, it was [ ] work event, completely professional and that you are happily married, etc. Then do nothing. If she starts sending crazy messages, that is the time to block. I’m not sure I would even tell my boss, I’d just let the dust settle and see what happens. Why act suspiciously when there is nothing untoward happening?

Yes, I agree but kindness is a bit out of fashion now.

Bruisername · 21/10/2025 14:38

It’s not about kindness

it was totally inappropriate for her to contact OP. If she has a problem with her husband she needs to talk to him - not speak to his subordinates.

there is nothing OP can say that is going to put this woman’s mind at rest and it isn’t her responsibility to do so.

it was unkind of her to message OP

Differentforgirls · 21/10/2025 14:41

Goldenbear · 21/10/2025 14:27

Pure hyperbole, you don't know anything about their marriage or whether he's having a affair, how can you possibly draw these conclusions. Nobody is normalising controlling behaviour, they are offering an alternative view on something.

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You are normalising a woman calling another woman, she has never met, and accusing her of having an affair with her husband. To make it worse, it's a colleague of her husband's. I agree the wife needs help but, in this situation, the wife is the abuser and the OP is the victim.