500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

I don’t think you’re mad and I doubt you’ll regret going. What’s the party for that DD wants to attend? If it’s a birthday then sorry but grandma’s 80th trumps it. Anything else and an 80th likely still trumps it! I do feel for her though, missing out at that age can be tough. I’d definitely have a word beforehand to preempt any sullenness that may occur at the meal and if bribery is required then I’m not above that either!

Would MiL definitely prefer dinner over lunch? You say she gets tired. I’m not sure whether you drive at all but if it were lunch you could possibly get back to drop DD for some of the party on the way home (if it’s an evening thing).

What is the mechanism for her to skip it without her parents missing something they very much want to do when she has nowhere to stay?

Maybe her parents could plan something for just the three of them to do? The ‘doing nothing’ is because the 80yr old won’t cope. No reason for everyone else to rest.

By 13 they can have conversations with adults. They aren’t strangers, they are relatives. My cousins on my mum’s side weren’t born until I was 14 and older so I regularly was at family events as the only child once db had gone to uni. I don’t thinks that’s a big deal. But then I can’t imagine my dc not wanting to see granny, they always jump at the chance. We’re all looking at it from our own experiences and op needs to do what feels right for her family.

No, they tell you why they disagree. It’s called a discussion.

I agree. Although my dcs would want to go as have always adored their dgps. All dead now. They're adults now but have always been happy in this situation.

I'm amazed no one would agree for her to stay though? I would have in a heartbeat if my dcs had a friend who needed to stay for this reason.

You take her with you and teach her that she cant always get her own way. Given your mil is 80 then it seems important that you take your daughter . Teach her to appreciate these moments. Even if its just so when she is older she has a photo to look back on . And know she helped celebrate her 80th.
And if she sulks and hardly talks then im sure everyone will understand. Its exceptionally normal behaviour for teenagers .

dd shouldn’t be staying at home either way. It’s her grandmothers 80th of course she can make the effort! I would be unimpressed if my dc made this all about them. It’s only one day and she may not be here for the next milestone. I can’t get over some of replies on here.

It certainly is the me, me, me generation isn’t it!

It's not 'just because' it's her birthday. Things like brthdays make a lovely focus/excuse for everybody in the family (or as many as possible) to get together - especially if everybody lives a distance apart and as people are getting on in years.

Which do you think sounds more positive: "We're having a big family gathering to celebrate the very special occasion of Gladys' 80th birthday"; or "Gladys probably hasn't got long left so we'd better do something whilst we can" ?

Incidentally, not that it's the main thing in any way, but I wonder how many of the nonchalant teenagers will be equally as nonchalant if Granny leaves them a tidy sum of money when her time comes?

Absolutely this. Think about how you'll all feel in ten years' time. Is she still likely to be devastated to miss a party with someone she probably no longer knows? Whereas your lovely MiL may no longer be around. I think you'd regret missing the lunch or rushing to spend minimum time with her. I'm all for considering young people but it doesn't mean they always get what they want. Sometimes they're not the most important consideration and it's good to learn that.

there are some grand-parents whose grand-kids WANT to spend time with. There really are. Some grand-parents whose teen and students grand-kids will make efforts to see. Genuinely.

There are other grand-parents that kids don't dislike as such, nothing wrong, but are just bored to death around.

Forcing them to another boring weekend is not going to help.

I would question why all the grand-kids are trying to bail out of a birthday weekends. If you are honest, you can't pretend that's not true.

This

, but I wonder how many of the nonchalant teenagers will be equally as nonchalant if Granny leaves them a tidy sum of money when her time comes?

you can be grateful for the money and still not be fond of that grand-parent because that grand parent never made the right efforts for most of the kids life and they are boring.

Why is it that one teen can love one or one set of grand-parents, but really not be bothered about another one? It might not be the case here, but it's often what happens in real life - and anyway why is everybody blaming the teen, when even her cousins are making their excuses?

Would she want people opting out of her 18th/graduation/whatever?

bet she won't be that bothered about inviting old granny and older uncles and aunties 😂

OP wants to go, her DH wants to go, the DD is too young to stay home alone, so they all go. This would be the case AFAIC whatever the reason for the trip.

The cousins get to not go as they are old enough to not need adult supervision. If DD was 16+, then OP probably would leave her. But she isn't.

We did similar for FIL’s 80th, teens in tow.

As a PP suggested, we did a lunchtime thing so he wasn’t too tired and we went there and back in a day.

Kids need to suck it up and realise the world doesn’t revolve around them. Any sulking should come with consequences.

Lovely. Suggest the MIL is not very nice when OP has said she’s lovely already. The other cousins are at university further away than the OP, so it’s possibly completely impractical for them to make it - it’s a long enough trip for OP!

This thread is fascinating not so much for the dilemma as for the different attitudes towards parenting that it demonstrates. It’s a shame your daughter will miss weekend activities she’d prefer but not unreasonable to take her to this birthday weekend. It’s clear it would be a pleasure for you to go, and I’m sure that many times you have put your daughter’s interests first in her life—this really isn’t a big ask.

i don’t think I’d want to be 250 miles away without a car if I didn’t have family to leave 13yr old daughter with—and also agree with the many posters that say it’s good for her to see her granny on her big birthday. She may well enjoy it more than she anticipates.

I don’t know of a single 13yo who doesn’t have a friend they can crash with for a night or two.

If there genuinely is nobody then she’ll need to suck it up but I wouldn’t be forcing her to go if there’s another option.

It doesn't necessarily mean that Gran is nasty, uncaring or any of that. In fact, from what OP says about her, she sounds really kind and lovely. Maybe her only 'crime' is in not being young anymore and in behaving like an elderly woman of the age she is.

For all we know, maybe they're all just selfish?! Loads of us cringe and have regrets about choices that we made and attitudes that we had when we were teenagers/young adults, in hindsight; but you can't really have the wisdom of 40 or more years if you've only actually lived for half or even a third of them. That's a main reason why we have parents in the first place.

Leave her behind. No doubt she will also complain about that, but you can deal with it when you get back.

DD has to suck it up I'm afraid, she's 13, she doesn't get to call the shots! She will survive one (possibly slightly) dull weekend where she has to sacrifice what she wants for the greater good/ good of the family.

OP has repeatedly said there isn’t anyone. Whether you or I think that’s unusual (I’d have done it for DD’s friends at that age) is irrelevant.

I really hate this idea that family are only acceptable if they're not BORING.
Even an 80 year old is supposed to be adding value to a 13 yr old's life- rather than, y'know, enjoying her 80th birthday surrounded by family and feeling it even more because her own husband didn't make it there.
Phrase it like her presence is a present to her grandmother.
My mother once made me talk on the phone to my auntie- when I was being a very sulky shouty teen- but my aunt died three months later and now Im so so glad I took that opportunity to speak to her

Your plan is fine. I can completely understand there not being anyone you can easily leave her with, outside of totally emergency situations. And yes 13 is too young to be alone for that long in my opinion.

Id go with the business-like suck it up approach. 80th birthdays are special and your MIL is lovely. This is the sort of thing you make an effort for, and it will be lovely for your MIL to have one of her grandchildren there. Offer for your daughter to have her friend round for pizza the following weekend or something like that.