500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

Yes, she’s a child - and she’ll be the only child attending what is likely going to be a very dull weekend while all her cousins are allowed to opt out.

If I was the grandma I wouldn’t expect my 13yo granddaughter to sit and be bored to tears on my behalf.

You mean that some people would very much care if their Granddaughter was there - not everyone would. My Nan would have said to me ‘you go out with your friends, you don’t want to be sat with us oldies.’ She would have understood and encouraged me to have fun. We’re not all the same. We don’t actually know what this particular person would want the 13 year old to do. I wouldn’t like to think my children missed out on something they wanted to do for the sake of sitting in a restaurant with me. That’s why these forums are good, people can see different perspectives and opinions. I don’t know why some people can’t just give THEIR opinion and move on, it’s like they have to enforce their own opinion on others.

Logistics also factor in. If the cousins are at uni hundreds of miles away it’s not feasible to attend a birthday meal. Expensive train tickets or flights could wipe out 2 or 3 weeks food money plus whilst may be given a ok by university to miss tutorial or lab for a funeral a meal isn’t same. Not all teens attend local unis, some go hundreds of miles away. I’m sure they will see Granny at Christmas.

Does grandma really want a 13yo to spend her weekend bored to tears with a bunch of older relatives just because it’s her birthday?

Then the 13yo can also see granny at Christmas.

Either it’s super important in which case everyone has to attend (and parents will pay for adult kids to travel down) or it’s not, in which case it’s totally okay for the 13yo to skip this one too.

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

It’s not that simple though, is it?
She can’t just ‘go out and have fun’ instead as it’s a long way from home and both her parents want very much to go. OP says there is no alternative accommodation available at home, so she has to go with them. You can’t expect both parents to not go because it won’t be scintillating fun for their child.

Adults want to go by train to spend a weekend with an 80 year old and take her to a restaurant one evening. Fine.

Teen already has plans, a party, a dance rehearsal and none of her cousins are going to the old people's weekend anyway.

Should she be left with friends, or try to find arrangements for her, or should she be dragged hours in the train, to sit down all day doing nothing (because nothing is being planned for the Saturday) - or at best take all her homework with her to find something to do other than scrolling on her phone all weekend for lack of anything better to do.

How is that even a question?😂

I would tell mine to suck it up for 2 hours and fake enthusiasm, but an entire weekend? Ridiculous.

I think the issue is that there isn't really another option - if she can't be left home and both parents are going, she has to come. I think there's an argument to be made for (some) 15/16 year olds to stay home alone for a weekend but surely most would think 13 is a bit young? So like any other younger child, that's just life sometimes.

Tell her that her granny probably won't be there for much longer and if she doesn't go, or isn't gracious at the occassion, she'll look back with huge guilt and regret one day.
Also tell her she'll be punished if she doesn't behave herself nicely - threaten to ground her and take her phone off her.

Her cousins are at Uni, so are adults and can make up their own minds - OP has already explained the reasons they won’t be attending. DD is thirteen. A child. And as OP has reiterated several times, too young to be left alone and there is no-one she can stay with for the weekend. Some posters are even suggesting OP should stay behind to look after her while DH goes alone. To allow a thirteen year old to dictate what the rest of the family does is batshit. A dull weekend with family isn’t going to do her any harm and the life lesson here is that, in the words of Mick Jagger, you can’t always get what you want. No bad thing.

@Decisionsdecisions1how late is the later train? If it’s practical then I’d do that - not as a compromise, it would have been my first plan. If it isn’t, then unless you can shorten the travel time by driving then you are stuck. Personally I’d drive on the Saturday morning and drive back on the Sunday but I don’t mind long drives. 250 miles wouldn’t bother me.

and you wonder why so many people have such an awful relationship with their parents and family 😂

You're mad to get the train if you could drive it.

Considering not going because your DD may be sulking all weekend is one of the daftest things I've read!
If you stay home because she doesn't want to go what is that teaching her?
Sometimes we have to do things we wouldn't choose, it's part of learing to compromise and accepting that you don't get everything your own way all the time!

It’s her grandmother’s 80th birthday FFS. I get that 13 year olds are a bit self-involved but this is a good learning experience - realistically this may be the last time she gets to see her grandmother on her birthday due to the distance, and it’s a big one. The dance rehearsal isn’t important and there will be other birthday parties.

She’s thirteen. Too young to be left alone and OP has already said there is no-one available for her to stay with all weekend. That’s life sometimes.

We had a weekend years ago that were the 75 and 85 birthdays for both our Mothers who both had the audacity to have birthdays the week before Christmas. They both decided to have big family get togethers that same year, We were working FT and it was a trip of 250 miles then a further 50 miles the next morning.

DS was a similar age to your DD if he had said he didn’t want to go it would not have been an option. People need to stop worrying that their children won’t like them. It’s also making young adults thinking they can do what they want all the time.

This would have been fairly normal parenting where I grew up (except the threat would probably have been a hiding). Everyone still has perfectly good family relationships, we were just expected to behave and not be selfish.

I don’t agree with the punishment part. At thirteen DD should know how to behave and not go into a strop. But I do agree that she should go. She’s a child and OP is the parent. To be honest from some of the replies here, I’m not surprised that so many kids grow up to be rude, selfish arseholes as adults.

And you wonder why kids are growing up more and more selfish 🙄

The PP was a little harsh with the punishments etc. But in reality. It’s a kind thing to go and celebrate granny’s 80th. It’s not the 13 year old’s favourite weekend plan of course, but she needs to be taught that we don’t always get to do what we want, and sadly as she’s not old enough to be left she has to come. It’s teaching her that sometimes respecting others and celebrating their milestones is important.

I regularly do this kind of trip even with one over night - it will be fine op, and worth it for such a special family member.

In terms of your dd, you are at a cross roads now. Do you want her to be the kind of person that prioritises other people occasionally, especially ones that have consistently cared for her throughout her life - or are you going to encourage her to always put her needs above others at all times?

I am usually on the side of people looking after themselves, and choosing what is best for them. Children do still need guidance - especially teenagers are required to sometimes consider other people. 99% of the time they can do exactly as they please.

You run the risk of raising really selfish dc unless it is not made clear that every now and then we do need to step up and be there for our family and friends.

I would ensure she was sat with me or with adults that will engage with her and tag on a treat during the journey.

Hence why my suggestion was to leave her if they could but not to feel bad for taking her if that wasn’t an option.

I wouldn’t want mine to miss out on something in order to have a meal with me. And I’m knocking on a bit now. It’s pointless giving your opinion on here, people can’t just give their opinion and move on, they have to tell you why you’re wrong for the opinion you have.

Tell her to suck it up buttercup.
She's very much a child still and does as she's told.
This wouldn't even be a question for me.