500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

But that’s a very adult, sentimental point of view - it’s not one that’s likely to be shared by a teenager who knows they’re going to bored stiff while their aunts, uncles, parents and grandparents all sit around reminiscing and she has nobody her own age to chat to.

I’m not sure what any inheritance has to do with anything.

Yep, which is why I said she’ll have to go and suck it up 😒

I quite frequently have to do a journey roughly the same distance. It takes 6-8 hours normally due to traffic and normally a stop for some food and wee. I've never done it in less than 5 hours and that was without a stop.

It wouldn't just be crashing over, it would be taking the DD to and from the dance rehearsal and to and from the party (though for the latter, staying with a friend also going to the party would help!)

I live abroad. Back in 2016, I spent a ridiculous 600 euros (student at the time) to fly home for my gran's 70th birthday. I flew Friday morning and went home Sunday evening.

She died 6 months later.

Personally I'd tell my children they're going. I know she's 13 and acting normally for her age but I just think these things are too important and it's a life lesson.

But that's just it: we don't know if she has been cold, emotionally distant and uncaring or otherwise devoted and kind, albeit not smothering her GC.

All we have to go on is what OP has said about her, which strongly suggests that she would have been a genuinely lovely gran.

I'm guessing that they probably believe her to be boring simply because she is very much older than they are; not because of anything unkind or heartless that she's actually done.

She’s not trying to call the shots. She’s being a normal 13yo who would rather go to a party and a dance rehearsal than spend the weekend with her dad’s relatives.

And it’s absolutely fine and normal for her to feel that. However in a family group of three, two want to go to the dinner so unfortunately she’s outvoted. That’s life.

A lot of young people really can’t be arsed with older people. I was at a shop and a couple I guess were well into their seventies came in and the young man who served them turned to me afterwards and said that old people creeped him out! He then made a gesture as though he was going to be sick!!

DD needs to suck it up, pin on a smile, and go.

She doesn't fancy the journey, thinks it'll be boring. But honestly, I'd be explaining to her that she's too young to be home alone, and so the other two in the household get a say in what they want to do. She has to go, you often do things for her social life & hobbies, so this one time its you & DH's turn. She needs to go and you expect her to be cheery and chatty through dinner. In return, you will plan something she wants to do next weekend.

I don't see anywhere that the OP or DD thinks the granny is cold, didn't make an effort, only saw her once a year etc etc (indeed, OP has said MIL used to help with childcare). Just that DD would rather go to things with her friends than a family event.

Which would be fair enough, if she was old enough to be home alone. But she isn't.

At 13 surely she can arrange most of that for herself or get a bus? That’s certainly what I was doing at that age - my parents weren’t even involved in my social life other than to give me the occasional lift.

Sure, I never said otherwise.

My teens go to plenty of sports and parties where a bus doesn't run to take them there.

I mean, at that age I’d just be asking friends if I could stay over and get a lift to X - I wouldn’t really be involving parents other than to check it was okay.

So what is your suggestion, they don't go at all?

OP has already said she has no one to look after her DD for a whole weekend.

If there is any other option, I wouldn’t make her go. You are right you can’t make her be happy/chatty! However it appears there are no other options, so she suck’s it up and she goes. Sometimes life is like that!

Wow - I think this might be the first time I've ever had ten pages of comments, I honestly expected one!

Thanks all for taking the time to post - I genuinely wanted to hear a variety of views so its good to see the debate.

I haven't responded to later posts as I'd be repeating my earlier ones but yes MiL is lovely and yes she did lots of school hol childcare for dd when she was younger and has always made a huge fuss of her for birthdays, Xmas etc. The dinner wasn't MiL's idea and she absolutely wouldn't insist anyone goes. But I know how thrilled she would be to see dd.

Also should add that for the two cousins the cost of train fare and lost wages for weekend work shifts are a big issue - their parents work in underpaid caring professions and money is not plentiful. We would happily pay their train fare but dp thought it would be a bit insensitive to his brother to offer, which I get. We're already paying for the meal jointly with dp's uncle.

If it was a genuine emergency of course we'd be able to leave dd for a night or two. And obvs she goes on sleepovers regularly. But this is different - the close sets of friends that we'd consider in those circs I know have two kids doing two different sports in two different locations at different times, all weekend. I don't think its fair to ask them to take dd just because its not particularly fun for dd. That's not an emergency in my view.
Completely understand others are in a different scenario - its not the norm amongst my group of friends or dd's school friends.

She goes - and if she doesnt behave herself then there are consequences she appreciates even less than missing the party. She can show off her dance moves to her grandmother.

She sort of is, though. Toddlers just do whatever they want and have to be physically pulled away from harm/too much cake or whatever, or made to do things they don't want to do - because they don't yet know any better.

At 13, she really is old enough to understand that the world doesn't revolve around her, and that we sometimes do things that aren't our absolute favourite things out of consideration for our loved ones.

Great update @Decisionsdecisions1 - stick to your guns!

Given MIL, I assume her Granny's?, age, I would make her go and let her know there'll be consequences if she moans all weekend. I think your instinct to tell her that life is sometimes about sucking it up is right

It's an appallingly nasty attitude, isn't it? Again, I wonder if they are looking forward to the time when they too will be old (if they're lucky) and hoping that the young people of that day will be rude to them and feeling sick just at the sight of them.

Imagine if they took the same attitude to any other minority and/or vulnerable group.

I find starting a response with "I wish..." can help - as in, "I wish there was a way we could do this without you missing the party and your rehearsal. But Granny matters so much to us, we have to go - and we can't leave you behind. I wish we could, but it's not safe."

She should be going, in life you sometimes have to do something nice for someone else.