500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

DD 13 yo shouldn't be obligated to attend if none of the cousins are attending. The family gathering is at a weekend and not during uni exam periods. Their uni coursework is of no more importance than DD school education.

Also not all families are super close. How frequently does DD see MIL? This also factors in to whether or not DD should attend imo.

DW extended family all live within 10 mins drive from one another. 10 year ago we moved 90 mins away and I can count on two fingers the number of times anyone other than MIL has visited us in that period. We used to attend every birthday, christening, event the family organised. However, I have since matched their energy and only attend events that are convenient to me or DW insists on attending. I get on great with them all but was a bit tired of the effort being one way.

If DD isn't that close to MIL it's a shame but not critical for her to attend imo, and as I say no more so than the other cousins.

She has to come as too young to leave and nobody she can stay with. It is important to dh, you and mil that you celebrate milestone birthday.

Normal for teens to not be keen but definitely dont feel bad for insisting.

The other cousins are irrelevant if they are young adults?

Exactly this.

I don’t think they are irrelevant.

Either it’s a really important meal, in which case all the grandchildren should attend, or it’s just a get together in which case a 13yo on their own is going to be bored shitless.

I don’t understand the problem. The family has been invited. You want to go your daughter is too young to be left on her own. She has to go with you.

They are a family unit - if they decided as a unit that they didn’t want go / fine / but the majority choice is to go and DD is too young to stay behind

so if you decide as a family not to go to a party or a wedding that’s fine

but letting a 13 year old dictate what everyone else does isn’t fine

she needs to learn duty , she needs to learn that life sucks sometimes , she needs to learn that real friends won’t abandon her if she misses a party , she needs to learn that other people matter and have feelings that are as important as hers are

Well for a start your thread title is rather disingenuous, it isn't 500 miles for a meal. You are going for a celebration weekend with your very loved MiL. So why is that "mad"?

13 year olds should not been querying whether they have to go once they have been told. And if you are worrying she will sulk then it is up to you to manage her behaviour.

She’s thirteen. A child. And OP is the parent here. In this case DD’s opinion and feelings are centred around what she wants. To reinforce this by agreeing to let her stay may well be teaching her that her opinion and feelings are valued, but she’ll learn nothing of how to put her own needs and wants aside occasionally and think of others, so it’s going to make for an independent, but very self centred woman.

they don't want to go!

The teen doesn't want to go
Her cousins are not bothering to go, can't blame them!
Why should she be punished?

The OP and older people want to make a weekend out of it, great. No one is stopping them.

Its very strange to treat the 13 yo like a young child and force her to spend a crap weekend when she had other plans.

Make it an "adult" only diner - it will be less obvious that the cousins can't think of anything worst than attending - or they would be there.
Everybody is happy

This. Well put.

If the cousins had been going, I definitely would have made her go and she probably would have been keener as there would have been fellow young people.
As they are not, I would see if someone could take her for the weekend. We have an only and I was always delighted to host sleep-overs, particularly at that age when they are too young to be drinking r anything.You could put the onus on DD to see if any friend would let her stay and then you contact the DPs to confirm it’s ok.

Has your MIL made an effort with you DD over the years? I don't just mean sending the odd card, but really shown an interest in her? Is it clear how much she cherishes your DD?

If yes, then yes, your DD should definitely go really.

If not and she's shown very little interest in her over the course of her childhood, then no, I wouldn't force your DD to go, I'd let her stay home and go to her party.

What goes around comes around. We have one grandparent who absolutely dotes on all her GC. She wants to be involved in their lives and shows a genuine interest in them. She in turn gets doted on and we make a fuss of her on every birthday, always invite her to everything and so on.

The other grandparents have been absolutely shit so in turn, they get shit all back and I don't expect our DC to make any effort with them beyond being polite on the rare occasion we do see them.

Where did you see finding alternate arrangements for the teen, who already ahs plans anyway, is for her to "dictate" anything? No one has to change their own plans for her.

Just need to find her either host, or someone staying overnight with her - many teens would just stay home alone, but it's MN, lets not even go there.

she needs to learn duty
and that's why we have so many threads about women in despair because they've never been taught to be respectfully independent, and that their own needs and well being is as important as anyone else's, MIL included.

other people matter and have feelings that are as important as hers are
clearly her own feelings don't matter, so that's lovely. Her own cousins are not going!

We usually do 5 hour drive Friday night and home Sunday. Teen needs to realise priorities and Granny won’t be around forever. I know lots of people are saying to leave her but I think that depends on what you value - family above friends/dance rehearsal. If family isn’t that important then let her stay home. The journey is nothing but then I have North American family who’d do that in a day trip.

Except 13 is exactly the age where they start querying things like this and whether they can stay home or opt out.

I know this is MN where teenagers dutifully turn up to everything, but IRL it’s normal for them to say “but x isn’t going so why do I have to go?” and asking to stay with a friend instead.

If all her cousins were going I would say it was non-negotiable but they’re not and as she has other things planned, I can’t see the issue with her staying with a friend or something instead.

It's not irrelevant. Surely they should be setting an example, like the other adults, and prioritize attending? Otherwise it's sending the message that none of the grandchildren really want to attend, but the one's lucky enough to be over 18 can be forced whereas DD 13 can?

But in this scenario she’s going to be the only child there with a bunch of adult relatives as all her cousins are opting out.

I know MN is the land of the compliant teen but I don’t know a single kid in real life who wouldn’t be complaining about that.

I 'was' going to say you need to facilitate the dance rehearsal (my daughter is a dancer and we absolutely bend over backwards to make sure she doesn't miss anything as then she can't be in the shows), but in this situation that's not the reality. I'd absolutely make her go and threaten / bribe with impunity. She's a child and has to engage with the family. When she's 18+ and at uni and such that's on her, but for now that's your choice.

and yes I have a stroppy almost-13 year old myself so I get it!

Duty needs to be balanced absolutely but it shouldn’t be eliminated - and everyone’s feelings matter and sometimes hard choices need to be made and your own personal feelings need to take a back seat

the alternative is a load of self centred wimps who in ten years time wonder why they have no friends and struggle to hold down a job because they never do anything they don’t want to

Ask DD if she can organise two sleepover with her closest friends - so she is not being a burden (although tbh, even if I barely knew the family, if the parent of a good friend of DC had rung and asked this favour in advance, I'd have said yes without thinking twice. There's no harm in asking and saying you will return the favour, and then sending her to stay armed with flowers, chocolates and a Cook traybake for the whole family.)

Oh but I'd also consider just going for a day as you aren't doing anything on the Saturday anyway. Are the events she wants to attend achievable if you head home Saturday?

OP clarified that her cousins are not going because they are at Uni and even further away than OP and her family. I think that’s a bit more important than missing a dance rehearsal and a friends’ party. And learning duty at the age of thirteen won’t stop her from being respectfully independent when she’s older. At the moment she’s a child, not a woman. They are not interchangeable at the whim of circumstance as so often seems to be the case on MN.

Being ‘respectfully independent’ does not mean never doing a nice thing for someone else just because it is inconvenient. What you are talking about there is selfishness. It’s perfectly possible to value yourself, have good boundaries, be independent and still occasionally (say on the occasion of someone’s very significant birthday) do something you aren’t 100% ecstatic about and which will be inconvenient for you.

It’s for her grandmother, not her.

We regularly travel 200 miles each way to go for a day or two to celebrate family birthdays; the DC (one a year younger) have grown up doing this and would never complain - they look forward to visiting family!