500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

Yes but it’s different if you are away at university on a course that costs £9500 a year and probably also miles away and you get marked down on your absence for not attending if leaving in the Friday.

It's improving no one's weekend to drag her there, not hers, not her grandma, not mine. What's the actual point?

What on earth gives you the idea that it wouldn't hugely improve the grandma's weekend to have her beloved granddaughter there with her?

My DS only has one of his GPs left - my MIL - but she loves him and her other DGC very dearly and they are a massively important part of her life.

I realise that not all GPs are as devoted and loving as my DS's DGM or OP's MIL; but many, many of them are.

It's not like she has an official family register to tick a box when each member of rhe family calls out "Here, Ma'am" and then that's that all dealt with; the reason for the gathering - most family gatherings - is because the people love each other and love spending time with each other.

She can't go to her friends birthday party anytime can she. If she had already been told she could go to the party it's pretty rotten to stop her.

I would tell her to suck it up and come. This way she will learn, value and respect of these moments. We all have been and yes sometimes they were boring but they are important. You don’t want her one day when it’s your 70th to tell you sorry I am busy with friends.

I'm a gran, not quite 80 but DH is in a few months, it wouldn't make either of us happy if one of the GC was forced to miss a party she wanted to go to so she can go for a meal with us. We are adults and we don't think the world revolves round us. We love our GC too much for that.

But by the same token she’s too young to be left alone and OP says no one is available to look after her for the whole weekend, so l don’t think there’s a choice. Such is life - we can’t always have what we want. And her friend will likely have another birthday next year. At 80 the same may not be true of granny.

Usually on here we are told if you've accepted an invitation you don't back out because you get another offer. If she's accepted the invitation to her friends party she should go.

I'd tell her to ask around her friends, quite normal at that age, it isn't as if to he host parents are expected to entertain a toddler.

This isn’t a grammatical error. Even if it was, very bad form to correct another posters’ writing skills.

There’s a good reason for backing out. A family event has taken priority, DD is too young to be left alone and there is no one to take her for the weekend. Allowing her to stay means one parent missing the event.

Read the OP. She’s made it clear that no one can take DD for the weekend as they all have plans of their own.

I'm not sure I agree it's a good reason. She's been told she can go, and now an event totally out of her control (which she wasn't consulted about) takes priority?

Doesn't seem particularly fair to me.

The last train journey I did withGS was a nightmare. Two previous trains cancelled so my seat reservation disappeared. The train was so crowded you couldn't move as the aisles were jam packed, I couldn't even get to the loo. Joy on top of joy there was a diversion and suddenly a 2hrs 30 minute journey was nearly five hours plus the hour we waited for the train when ours was missing.

There's nothing wrong with me but I was exhausted and Friday evening is generally very busy.

No she hasn't asked anyone. I'm sure a 13 year old can stay with a friend, it isn't unusual in any family I know but the least the OP could do is try or let her DD try.

No not fair.

Why is a family event more of a priority?

Thirteen is way too young to be allowed this kind of autonomy - she’s a child without the skills to handle it. And it makes for a selfish adult who will put themselves first in every situation, no matter the consequences for anyone else.

Because her parents have made that decision. They are the parents, she is the child.

Being a parent isn't a reason to unilaterally override your child's plans.

She is a child but she's also at an age where she should have some autonomy and should be able to have a say in what she does.

OP could easily book to go down on Saturday morning for example, and at least allow her to do something on Friday night.

🤔🙄

Fair point. But wouldn’t you be very disappointed if they actively preferred to go to a fairly routine event instead of spending time with and celebrating your special big occasion with you, when they don't get to see you very often as it is?

Yes, of course there's the generation gap and different culture and interests in life - with you quite possibly preferring Billy Fury to Billie Eilish and vice versa for them... but it's not like you're ever going to get any closer to their age or their world, is it?

It's not like you had a use-by date that's expired, and thus no further meaningful place or purpose in their life at all.

So nice that you have such a lovely relationship with your MiL. Not crazy at all to do this journey. It will be a full on weekend, but it's an important occasion. Hopefully, your MiL will have many more birthdays, but there's no guarantee.

As for your 13 year old, I would be hardline on attendance. We'll be in a similar position next year - my parents in law turn 80 next year and my eldest will be 13 and they would be so hurt not to see their grandchildren.

I get that it's hard when there are other commitments. My kids do a lot of sport and we HATE to miss matches, but some occasions are too important and, for me, a big family birthday like this is one of them.

Sulking is tricky and so wearing to manage, but I think it's important for kids to learn to do or go to things for others.
Life isn't all about them. As others have said, how would your DD feel if no one made an effort for her big milestones as she grows older?

I imagine missing the friend's birthday is one of the hardest aspects. Maybe your DD could arrange to do somethimg separate with her friend after the weekend?

Maybe that as the carrot, then a chat on the importance of family and grandparents/doing thimgs for others.

Lastly, cousin situation makes the sitaution a bit trickier, but you can only do you/your family.

It might not be if it were, say, drinks and canapes to celebrate Uncle Barry's promotion at work from district manager to regional manager... but surely you can understand the significance of an 80th birthday celebration in the course of an average lifespan and taking the opportunity to be there for the loved octogenarian whilst you still can?

An earlier poster suggested arranging a bit of a party/get together for DD after you’ve been to the 80th. This sounds a really good idea. It might soften the blow of missing a party and make her a bit more enthusiastic about going. At that age I wasn’t able to go to someone’s party and felt incredibly left out of conversations among friends for ages, so it is a big deal and will feel far more relevant to her than the 80th. 13 year olds don’t tend to realise that grannies of 80 won’t live forever.

I can scarcely imagine my mum’s reaction if I tried to get out of a big 80th birthday 😱

I work in the arts and did all sorts of dance, drama and music as a teen, so I definitely get that ditching rehearsals is not the done thing - but your granny’s 80th comes way, way above teen dance shows!!