500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

Can she not stay at a friend's house and do the dance rehearsal??

Well, as an adult I know I find sitting on a train for six hours tiring - maybe there’s something wrong with me too? 🫣

It does seem a bit unusual to be made tired by sitting and reading or looking at the internet or chatting to your family while the train takes you to your destination, yes. I’m 60 and travelled alone for 12 hours by train across Europe with two changes in foreign stations carrying all my luggage recently. It was a bit dull interspersed with moments of stress, but tiring? No, not really. A 5-6 hour trip with family, even with a couple of changes, in the U.K. where I speak the language wouldn’t be at all.

You are not mad! We have always had to travel around 400 miles for family dinners. I thought you meant in one day, which we would have done with an overnight stop half way home. But for a weekend that is perfectly fine.
I have no idea about a sulky teenager, all of mine were very close to grand parents and loved the company of grown ups. I feel for you as it must be very embarrassing. I am sure she will soon mature out of it but not in time for the birthday😀. Would a friend take care of her for the weekend and you can go without her?
Otherwise I think your husband should consider going on his own. I would think you were rude but your mother in law probably will not let her hurt show.

I personally just find travel overwhelming (hot, noisy, too many people) and that's exhausting for me. I don't think I'm especially unusual in that.

If you had read even the OP’s posts you would know there is nowhere to leave her and the OP is close to her MIL and wants to go herself. The rehearsal the DD will miss isn’t critical and there’ll be no consequences for missing it. It’s unfortunate she will have to miss a party, but that’s the way it goes sometimes.

I’m sure some people do find that. It’s not universal though, and from experience of travel with friends/friends’ travel stories I don’t think it’s an issue for the majority.

From this point, am a GM and would be so upset that my gc didn't want to see me or spend time with me,

I have two teenage gc who spent 6 weeks on holiday with me this summer no parents, planned two weeks they stayed for 6 weeks, making memories

If your MIL is as lovely as you say, she deserves to have her GD there - who knows how many special occasions you have left with her?

I would be telling DD to woman up, be unselfish and think of the happiness it will bring her DGM to see her on such a special day.

I think I would bribe DD with a promise of taking her friend out the next weekend or something else that appeals to her.

Is there anything interesting on the way back on the Sunday? something that might perk her interest and give her something to look forward to on an admittingly pretty boring weekend for a 13yr old?

she's at school all day. Of course she knows that you have to do a lot of dull and boring things in life 😂

They're taking an elderly relative for diner. It's a lovely thing to do, but come on, it's hardly a "big celebration event", none of the cousins are even going.

Has anyone even asked her? Like a normal conversation with your kids: we are going away, you obviously cannot stay home alone all weekend (non negotiable) so what do you suggest doing?"
She's 13, not 5. They arrange their own sleepovers themselves, then check with parents to see if it's reasonable and works for them.

What's the level of commitment for this dance show? If they are in rehearsals will her absence cause issues for the rest of the cast/group? I'm a bit of a stickler for this sort of thing - once you have made that commitment you really should turn up to rehearsals.

Travelling by train is a flipping nightmare. On a lucky day, you might have the rare chance of a quiet carriage and be able to do some work or even read in peace, but most of the times, noisy travellers make it absolutely unbearable.

I could put up with being uncomfortable = and it's tiring, but it's being unable to do anything because people can't stop nattering about nonsense that kills me. If it's not between them, it's on the phone. It's painful.

There genuinely might be something wrong with you if you find sitting on a train tiring.
Many women are either unknowingly anaemic or deficient in some vitamins and minerals, or used to running around after everyone else.
I travel a lot (with young DC) and it can be tiring if we’re getting up for early flights or experiencing long delays etc but that’s just due to a long day. I try not to book early flights but where we live sometimes have to.

Nope - I've actually had blood tests recently and I'm not deficient in anything, I just find travel exhausting. I always have done. I get a headache and feel overwhelmed and like I could sleep for about 14 hours straight.

I do have autism though so that's probably why I struggle with it more than your average person.

Yes, this is exactly it. It's just horrible, lol.

I don't mind a car journey, but trains are horrendous.

In my family, we’d not even think twice about doing this trip for an 80th birthday. However, we would also have been going if we’d been away at university.

It’s a once off and a grandparent deserves that show of love and affection (unless, I suppose, they didn’t cultivate that kind of relationship in the first place… is that the case here? In which case, grandma reaps what she’s sown.)
In your case, as the other grandchildren aren’t going to be there, perhaps it does make sense for your daughter not to go. It’s sad though.

My grandparents live around 5/6 hours drive away. When my grandad was unwell we frequently did the drive to stay for 2 nights. It’s tiring but it was the only way we coudl do it

OP has answered this,

What’s all this about trying to bribe the daughter with doing something fun during the day on the Saturday? Since when did 13 year olds get to call the shots?
It’s her grandma’s 80th milestone birthday and she sounds as if she’s been a wonderful one, so it’s non negotiable! Jeez.

Exactly.

We would not have been consulted. Let alone coaxed, cajoled or bribed to do the rock-bottom basic respectful thing and attend gran's birthday with a smile.

When did children start running the household and determining priorities?

at 13 I would have been trusted enough to stay home, that's the difference 😂

I was already babysitting the neighbours kids at that age!

I know! I read some posts on here and just shake my head!
I’m not saying this is you @Decisionsdecisions1but some people are too scared to actually parent their children for fear of upsetting them.
We’d have been told, ‘It’s grandma’s special birthday next weekend, so we’ll be travelling up on the Friday. You might want to think about what you’d like to wear’. Or something along those lines.

In that case I can only imagine how exhausting travel is for you from a sensory and overstimulating perspective - sorry for jumping to conclusions about a physical cause. I find that some places have really great adjustments in place for autism but travelling means you’re already out there so if the quiet coach is not quiet or the sensory room is closed it’s a real problem.

There’s a huge difference to babysitting the neighbours’ kids, to leaving a 13 year old alone for a whole weekend.
If you were actually left alone for a whole weekend, while your parents were 5 - 6 hours away and no nearby family, I’m not sure I’d see that as a good thing to be honest.