500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

I would explain this to my daughter in a factual (ie guilt-trip free) kind of way, and explain that you being there is your way of showing your deep love and appreciation of all that she has done for you personally and your family , including your daughter. And that this is one of several ways that we show our love for the people who matter to us. I would also gently point out that this is a special birthday so deserves to be a priority. Your MIL sounds like a special kind of person

My nan died when I was 11. I remember holidays and sleepovers with her, I remember being a brat and playing practical jokes on her weeks before she died (at 67!) I tell you what I don’t remember… what parties I went to or activities I missed out on. Grandparents are important, and those memories will likely be cherished long after those missed activities are forgotten

I guess maybe it would be different for particularly close grandchildren/grandparents but I would never leave my parents or inlaws to parent my children. Deciding whether a child goes to an event is for me, not for them to enforce.

But really it's so simple here - there's no option to leave the child home so she's coming. I can't see how you could force her to be pleasant, but it is truly a binary decision - either they all go, or the OP has to miss it. She has chosen not to miss it so they all go.

People keep suggesting options that aren't on the table so it's very confusing.

As far as dance... absolutely not something to do unless it's going to be the main priority often. See also football. I have one of each and it's exhausting. I was one of the ones confused at the start because if my daughter didn't attend a full day rehearsal for a show next week, she'd not be allowed to dance in the show. So it would be a much more difficult position and I'd try harder to accommodate it. Not relevant for this situation at all.

And just for me - we've never left our children with anyone minus a night once with grandparents and the odd sleepover at a friends. I wouldn't actually know how to even start to ask for something like this unless it was a true emergency. So it's not that crazy that it's an obstacle.

The cousins could make the trip if they’re only at uni and it’s a weekend not midweek so they wouldn’t be missing anything. Depends if they can afford it though with travel and places em stay.

see if you can find somewhere for DD to stay at home but make her aware that she may not have opportunity to see gramdma again.

I’d absolutely go and I don’t think you’re mad, I thought you were going to say up and back on the same day!
You say Sat might be quite chilled with MIL, why don’t you do something nice with DD then? Any thempark, waterpark etc nearby? What about a shopping trip?

If the grandparent lives hundreds of miles away that is a fixed thing. It isn’t something that’s special about this weekend/ dinner. It is generally part of being a good family member to visit grandparents. In the real world anyway.

If dd isn’t going with you, does it need to be 2 nights away? Just go on the Saturday morning and come back on the Sunday morning. Then she only has to have one night sleepover.

if it was the whole family going then I’d make her go, but if cousins aren’t there, then perhaps say her not going is on the condition you do all make it to next big family event.

All this ‘leave her with friends’ is just weird.

The point with sleepovers is if my 13 year old feels uncomfortable she can say she feels poorly and come home at any point.

There isn’t anyone I would be happy leaving her with and going 250 miles away, apart from my PIL. My best friend they have some issues atm which means their house isn’t harmonious. Her friends I don’t even know the families that well.

Having just travelled 7/8 hours each way to spend a few days over a weekend for my mums 90th YANBU to make the trip. I think if there is an option to leave DD behind that would be ok if she will make everyone else upset due to teenage strop. I would say to her that her GM would like her to come and given she won’t have too many birthdays left it would be nice for her to go but if she has an alternative like staying with a friend you would let her stay so she doesn’t miss her friends birthday or dance rehearsal. These are important to her.

It wouldn’t be - and in fact it wasn’t - an option not to come and put your face straight for a nan’s 80th in my family. I’m trying to work it out but I think mine were 17 and 14 when my mom turned 80. Non negotiable and any sulking would be dealt with firmly (there wasn’t any).

OP has explained that the cousins are further away (potentially meaning that they would have to start travelling during the day on Friday rather than the evening) and also work on the weekends to make ends meet. So I can understand why they are not coming.

Why aren’t the cousins going - that’s poor form. Your DD has leverage to say why should she go if they’re not.

You are being ridiculous.

Having expectations on your children behaviour and not letting them behaving like little brats in charge of everything has never meant to tell them to shut up, suck it up and smile.

Having a child committed to a club and not be willing to miss rehearsal is a very positive thing, what too many people are missing - including MN posters waiting for better offers and dropping out of invitations at the last minute.

Forcing a child to do something completely unnecessary is completely pointless.

how far in the UK do you have to be that you must start travelling on Friday morning/ day to attend a Saturday evening diner? 😂

I don't blame them not to go, but come on, they have just as good an excuse as the OP's teen.

Given that you've got the Saturday daytime free, why not ask her to find something that she wants to do in the area for then, so that she's got something to look forward to for the weekend? Maybe an escape room, visiting an attraction, or just a trip to the cinema. She can take a book/art/gadgets with her to the gathering and entertain herself at the party, as long as she's social for the first hour or so.

But it is necessary. Both her parents want to go and she can’t stay alone, therefore it’s necessary that she goes.

Your daughter is well old enough to consider someone else for a change.

"forcing a child to do something completely unnecessary"

Oh please. She's a teenager being taken to her relative's big birthday celebration, not being forced to split rocks in a prison yard.

There is an important family event. She can't be left behind because of her age/maturity and lack of childcare options. Absolutely children should learn that sometimes they have to suck it up and get on with doing something they find a bit dull and boring. It's a much needed life lesson.

Because they are 18+, adults, at uni which is more than 6h travel time , with weekend jobs, tight for money

But also - OP does not have parental responsibility for them and their attendance, or not, is not a matter for her.

Oh how terrible for her having to do something that she finds dull. I think if a 13 year old finds sitting on a train tiring there is something wrong with her.

It is her grannie's 80th birthday for goodness sake. Of course she should bloody go

It does make her incredibly selfish.

Me me me. I'd be so ashamed if my DD acted this way towards her grandmother who OP describes as being very kind, positive and lovely.

DD will miss a party and dance rehearsal. Cry me a river. There's no other words to describe this other than selfish. An 80th party is a big occassion and could very well be the last milestone birthday.

I couldn't tolerate any sulky behaviour or any threat of sabotage for obvious reasons.

I would go in your shoes and take DC with me. Explain to DC how important it is to you and her Dad and how you expect her to behave. She will miss her Granny when she is gone!

I missed where the DD had a weekend job that she needed to cover her living costs.

And since OP has stated that the uni is further than her travel (5-6h on the train) then yes, I can believe they would need to leave during the day on Friday to get there by public transport.

If I got to my 80th and none of my grandkids could be bothered to see me for my birthday, I'd be gutted, to be honest. Mine are 6 and 3 at the moment, and the light of my life. I totally understand that at some point not too far away, visiting Grandma isn't going to be the treat that it is for them now, but still...

@Sunbeam01 yeah, if she actually sabotages the dinner. At present, though, she’s having a moan, where her gran can’t hear her - just as many of us do to our mates or on here!