500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

The OP has said repeatedly that there isn’t a friend she can stay with. That being the case, she has to go. There’s not really much of an alternative.

So instead of punishing my kid for something they haven't done, threatening them about all kind of nasty consequences, I would just leave them with a friend.

OP is not punishing or threatening DD!

And OP has already stated that there aren't friends she feels comfortable inconveniencing on a matter of DD's "preference" (which is different to an emergency like a fall or something)

Of course your plan is reasonable, this sounds like a normal situation to me. DD doesn't want to go but she has to. Such is life when you're 13. You can be sympathetic sure, and understand her disappointment, but still expect decent behaviour.

There is some serious batshittery on this thread. No one I know would leave a 13 year old to sofa surf for the weekend so they can go to a party.

And I have 2 teenage girls, both of whom would come along, be nice or there would be consequences. For the record they tell me I’m not as strict as a lot of other parents either.

There are either lots of people who have forgotten how young 13 is or who were neglected during childhood and believe this is ‘normal’ it isn’t.

I'm not really sure your aim in posting? You can't leave your 13 yr old DD so she'll have to stop being moody and just go with you 🤷‍♀️ but also, over next few years, I'd start to let her stay with good friends occasionally or without using your parents for childcare (my parents both died when I was 41 then 45) you'll never get a weekend away with your DH. Aging parents can't always provide childcare. an 80th birthday meal is important. She'll have to come & not ruin it by being sulky. Remind her of all the hobbies you've supported her with over her lifetime. It's not that much to ask really. one weekend.

It isn’t relevant. The OP has said they are at work for a start.

And even if they just cba I would want my dd to be a better grand daughter than that.

This thread certainly shows why teachers are having so many problems with behaviour in schools. All these parents willing to completely centre their children's wants above everything else.
Terrifying for the future when they end up in charge of the country.

100%

We live 350 miles away from my home town, and we have done this trip (Friday-Sunday) hundreds of times.

Of course you have to go. It's an 80th birthday. Your child sucks it up. Don't give a 13 year old any agency, kids are selfish!

All these parents willing to completely centre their children's wants above everything else.

Are you on the same thread? The vast majority of posters think that the DD needs to go to the 80th party. Not sure what you mean by “all these”

My teen might moan too, but given her age and it’s a special birthday I think you should all go.
if I was going to travel all that way I’d want us all to go.

I’d say it was fairly balanced and ‘you shouldn’t make her go’ won out at the start. But maybe tbf it was just the nature of mumsnet that people love to side against the OP just to be contrary.

Think it should be a convo between DD & her Gran?

Why? She still has to come as there's literally no other option unless her mother stays home with her. And she doesn't want to.

The conversation would be so sad too!
'Gran, I don't want to spend time with you'
'Oh, I'm so sad now.'

What would the actual result of a conversation possibly be? Just to let her know she doesn't value their relationship and plans to strop her way through the weekend?

Ah, I think also at the beginning there was a misunderstanding that the dance rehearsal was for an imminent show, rather than just the usual weekly club.

What do you mean a better granddaughter?

Not wanting to travel hundreds of miles to attend a dinner isn’t some kind of moral failing. It’s just sensible.

Sorry you’re so lacking in imagination.
Gran may be able to talk child into the visit? And then…..now you try & make up a positive result, go on surprise yourself 😊.

Are you always this dramatic or is today a special occasion?

Exactly.

Remind me never to get my kids in to dance. Can’t believe there’s people who think a dance rehearsal is more important than a grandparents 80th

80th bday is likely to the final big bday as 90th's tend to be too much effort due to frailty and bad health if they are still around.

I would tell DD this might be the last time she ever gets the chance and she would absolutely regret it in years to come.

Imagine how you would feel if your kids and grandchildren don't turn up for your 80th? They way you treat the older generation now will be how your kids will eventually treat you in the fullness of time.

Neither will the events important to the teen. And granny might live to 104 for all we know.

Your situation is completely different to the OPs. She does not have anyone to leave her DD with. If she did, then that might be a good option.

And it's great your kids are as important as your MIL, mine are as well (actually mine are more important!).
But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't encourage them to centre their nan for one day/weekend of the year (maybe even the decade).

Mine wouldn't even consider not going (difference being, I have 2 kids so they would at least have each other ....to fight with), they get on very well with their grandparents and know how important family is.

OP I’ve a teen the same age. We went to a Halloween event on Saturday and my mum
snd sister came along (rare for mum
to leave my dad as he is very unwell) anyway we went into a local pub for a quick drink which is rare for us to do together and DD got into a sulk as she wanted to go home. Her younger siblings were no bother so I felt like throttling her . She was quickly told to suck it up and cop onto herself. I’d go to the 80th and tell DD tough she is coming.

Well, the dance class will, because it is every week.

And there's a high chance others in the friend group will have a birthday party over the course of the next year or so.

ETA if it was the dance show itself, or a one-off audition for something, then the "importance" might be different, but it isn't.