500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

80th birthday is a big important birthday and definitely takes priority over seeing your mates you can see anytime.
As for travel distance, myself and my 6 year old just flown thousand miles to see my brother for his 50th. So you are definitely not crazy.
My nan passed away week after her big 90th birthday, we were all so grateful that she got to see all her kids and grandkids on her birthday.
Please go and celebrate the birthday, you never know how many more you will get with her.
Daughter will have to suck it up, shame teenagers usually have no compassion as I guess you will not be able to reason with her.

@SheilaFentiman

For long journeys, often the train is quicker than driving, because intercity trains can go faster than the motorway speed limit. For example, St Alban's to Newcastle, 262 miles is 4h 56 on the road right now, 3h 23 on the train - which includes going into London and out again.

In this instance though OP is only going 250 miles and it’s 6 hours by train d2d. It would surely be quicker to drive.

Of course they’re relevant. She doesn’t want to have to go if her cousins don’t have to.

Why not? She's a child. And her parents both want to go. The adult cousins live on their own and have their autonomy (also they can't afford the travel which the OP mentions in a later post)

At 13 she’ll be thinking she can stay at Susie’s and then at Jade’s, or that mum and dad can go down on Friday and leave her at Sarah’s - she won’t care about the logistics, just that she doesn’t want to go.

I don’t think I’d let her stay with her friends even if that was an option.

Sometimes you have to step up for family and do things you wouldn’t choose to.

Do you really not remember what it’s like being 13?

It’s obvious why not!

We live 250 miles from in-laws. Yes we have gone Friday Eve to Sunday for special birthday dinners. Driving, and yes it usually takes more than 5 hours.

My 13 year old would absolutely be coming to a grandparents 80th, it wouldn’t even be a question.

This!!

Not necessarily - there are plenty of 250 mile drives that take 5h or more. Depends how much motorway vs other roads are involved (Cornwall, for one, has no motorways)

Additionally - it may be cheaper by train if they have booked a 'two together' plus a child ticket, it may be better to arrive at the party and work on Monday 'fresh' rather than having had two long drives, they may consider it better for the environment, one of them may need to stretch legs regularly, their car may be fine for local runabouts but a bit dicey on a long journey... buckets of possibilities.

No. Not “surely”. It entirely depends on what roads and motorways and train lines are needed. There’s no “surely” about it. And anyway, it’s hardly relevant. If driving instead of train solved the OP’s quandary, I expect she’d have thought about it by now. It doesn’t affect whether the teen should come or not - even if it was merely a 4 hour journey, it’s not going to make a great difference. We don’t even know if the OP has a car or not!

Tell your DD from me that there's many more parties for her to go to, but very little left for her Grandmother, who is her father's mother.

Life is sometimes tough - especially for an 80 year old. She could be the youngest but she has the job of presenting the cake with her dad.

Let her know that Grandma is the oldest and she's the youngest. Age is not a duty, it's a number.

New outfit for her as a treat?

Have a lovely time.

Yes I do. Vividly. And I was a total nightmare. I also have an almost 13 year old daughter. I honestly can't really see the debate here - they have no one to leave her with and they are both going. So she has to come. She can be obnoxious about it (with whatever consequences that entails), but she can't stay home alone and she has no one to stay with so... that's just how it goes.

We are visiting my inlaws for a week at Christmas (we live overseas) and my daughter doesn't want to come. That's interesting and I'm sorry to hear it but she's still coming as she gets a vote but not a decision in the family. She's a child.

I remember very well and was perfectly fine with visiting family for the weekend. So are my kids. Not all teens despise spending time with people who aren’t their immediate peers. And if they do it’s probably good for them to have a bit of variety of experience added.

I don’t understand why PP are focusing so much on how OP is travelling. She didn’t ask for opinions on that.

I remember being 13 and my grandmother’s 80th birthday was non-negotiable.

I’m sure she will be fine and there’s no suggestion that she won’t be, but she’s still allowed to complain about it.

Just because something is non-negotiable doesn’t mean you can’t complain about it 🙄

I’d be telling my DS (13 almost 14) that he was going and he was going to be making eye contact, smiling, asking questions and answering them and chatty. If he didn’t then he could forget his phone/seeing mates etc for a week or so. I’d brook no argument.

Yes, I agree she just has to suck it up on this occasion - but she’s allowed to be pissed off and to wish she she could stay home too.

80th birthday is important. There might not be many birthdays left sadly.
I would make her go but probably add a bribe because I am a soft touch and like an easy life.

So MiL is DD grandmother and it's her 80th birthday party?

What is there to think about? DD seems incredibly incredibly selfish. I'd be ashamed tbh.

I would read her the riot act before leaving and not tolerate any of this nonsense.

I think this is OTT in the other direction. I think it's OK for her to be a bit stroppy/sulky/disappointed at missing something that she wanted to do with her friends. That doesn't make her "incredibly incredibly selfish"

Would an adult diner be really improved by dragging a 13yo who had better things to do but is unlucky to be the only one too young to have a say, when all the other cousins declined?

I don't believe so for a second.

As a mum, my kids well being is just as important as my MIL! and i can't see the point of the kid being there at all.

So instead of punishing my kid for something they haven't done, threatening them about all kind of nasty consequences, I would just leave them with a friend.

It's improving no one's weekend to drag her there, not hers, not her grandma, not mine. What's the actual point?

DD is allowed to have a strop just as much as dear Grandmother is allowed to have a sleep on her birthday. Both are equal.