500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

It is hard at 13, friends parties and stuff are so important and she'll feel left out but that's life I suppose she can't always have her own way. I'd be inclined to leave her with a friend but you seem to have ruled that out.

Or just go on the Sat morning as no plans for the day you may as well be sat on a train then the dd only has to stay one night at a friend's?

Sorry its it's been mentioned but why the train if it takes 6hrs to do 250miles, why doesn't one of you drive?

Not all teens socialise in this way. I’ve got 2 boys. Offered loads of times for them to have people round in the holidays/ after school / weekends etc, never said no to any visiting friend. They just don’t really want to. They’re not hugely social. They’re friendly and nice but they just don’t spend loads of time in each others houses all the time. And most of their good friends have grandparents etc nearby so any “need for reciprocal childcare” type stuff never happened.

Plus they’re actually fine with coming down to visit grandparents. They actually like them as people. They get plenty of space to chill out there too, they’re not sitting on show the whole time. They bring homework, message friends, etc. No big deal.

I would bring the teenager on another occasion when she doesn’t already have a party of one of her own friends.

She would get to spend time with her grandmother while she is still able to enjoy it and won’t feel she is missing out.
I absolutely adored my grannies and spent a lot of time with them, but yes as a teenager priorities are different.

In any case it sounds like OP won’t ask friends for help and I definitely consider 13 too young to leave home alone.

Family is really, really, important to me and to DH. We wouldn’t hesitate to do that trip for a birthday, let alone an 80th birthday. And we would want our daughter to understand that it is important to show up for family. It sounds like her grandmother loves her and has taken care of her when she could - and at 80 may not have many years left. It’s an important value to instill.

I can’t believe the debate - she’s 13 & it’s her gran’s 80th birthday. Family absolutely must come first & she needs to suck it up.

Regarding leaving the teen, I think it depends on how close your teen is to their grandparent.

No it’s not unreasonable to travel for a short while. I do it regular as I live hundreds of miles from my family and so weekend trips are normal.

Plus I find the disbelief at 250 miles taking 5-6 hours surprising - obv that’s entirely possible by train, and it’s not hugely unusual by car either if you’re having to go down Friday evening when traffic is usually worse. It’s usually over 4 hours from my bit of Surrey up to my parents in Manchester, about 200 miles, and that’s with no stopping. If I lived further from the motorway or had to factor in more m25 circuitry it’s easily 5 hours for 250 miles, and there’s usually slow bits too. And a short break on top. Sure if you start at one end of a good fast road and there’s not much traffic and you finish up just off a motorway junction you can make 250 miles in under 4 hours, but that’s fairly ideal scenario.

She knows that she's too young to stay at home, and that none of her friends can accommodate her for that time; so she must realise that the only way she could not go is if one of her parents also misses out: either her GM's actual DS or her DIL who also loves her dearly.

Nobody is expecting her to be jubilant about a party for an elderly family member or to be livestreaming the whole thrilling event on Insta; but she knows that not everything in life is about centering her.

YY @Talipesmum - have just stuck in a random destination 250 miles away and google maps thinks it'll be 5h - not factoring in a stop for petrol and coffee!

I also don't have the friend group where I could leave my children.
I have a very moody 14 year old, so appreciate your issue. I would definitely make her go and hopefully when she gets there, she'll lose her mood.
Your mil is now 80, these birthdays unfortunately, will become less and less. Enjoy it and spend time with her.

HRTWT but have read all OPs. You've accepted that dd can't be left all weekend and that the travelling timescale is the best one for everyone else so....dd will need to go with you (it's a no-brainer). I'd be tempted to offer some not-very-obvious bribe for the following weekend as long as she puts the effort in for the party weekend. I'd explain how much it means to all the family that she's there (not just to you and dad) and that her Gran might not be around for much longer so happy memories are important. Ask her to make a huge effort, accept she's missing out on stuff at home and offer her a treat of her choice for the following weekend. Push comes to shove, tell her her attendance is non-negotiable but her scintillating conversation and attitude will earn her a reward.

Why are you taking the train and not driving?

Surely it would be so much easier to drive - you’d likely have done half the journey before you’d have even got on the train.

What is the birthday party?
Which one was arranged first?

When is the party?
If it’s on Friday, could DH drive down with other DCs on the Friday and you and DD take the train Saturday and then all drive back up together.

I would definitely go to MILs but I do feel sorry for DD missing the party (not the rehearsal).
It does also seem a lot of travelling and I’d try and take an extra day off work to make the most of it.
I’d also definitely drive.

Hope you reported the nasty little shit!

If they are not used to weekends away in term time and need to work the train will likely be far less tiring

Why are you taking the train and not driving?
Surely it would be so much easier to drive - you’d likely have done half the journey before you’d have even got on the train.

For long journeys, often the train is quicker than driving, because intercity trains can go faster than the motorway speed limit. For example, St Alban's to Newcastle, 262 miles is 4h 56 on the road right now, 3h 23 on the train - which includes going into London and out again.

Time DD learned the lesson that life isn’t all about her and she won’t always have her grandmother around. Having said that my youngest is the loveliest sunniest person when he’s in a good mood but when he’s sulky and monosyllabic he’s a nightmare.

I think it would be nice if DD went - my kids had lost a whole set of GPs by the time they were 13 - it is wonderful she still has those relationships.

However, I do think she has a point, if her cousins were coming up from Uni that would make a difference, but as they aren’t- can she stay with a friend or local relative so she could still at least do the dance rehearsal?

Time DD learned the lesson that life isn’t all about her

normal parenting should mean she's learning that every day of the week already.

It doesn't mean it's reasonable or helpful to drag her to a weekend and make her cancel her existing plans when all her cousins have already bailed out anyway.

The amount of trips to Ireland I have done for 24-48 hours for a family thing from a child to now at nearly 40. We have my aunts 80th at the start of next year and my 14yo is in a strop as he doesn't want to go. It is costing me a fortune but she has survived the longest out of any of her 12 other siblings so it is worth celebrating and he is part of this family so will be joining! As long as he is polite and isn't rude, can play off the monosyllabic as normal teen behaviour. One day he will be grateful, same as I was, to have spent that time with family who won't be here for ever and have those memories.

Indeed. It doesn't even stop at 13 either: all of us have to do things that we'd rather not do; although it does seem a shame that she sees spending time with somebody who has clearly been a very loving, caring DGM to her all of her life as a chore.

It's not like this is her one single opportunity to either have fun with her same-aged friends or to spend it with a group of older family members. I presume that she has loads of time every week to hang out with her friends and do her own preferred activities. It's just having a tiny bit less time with her friends for a few days and making a bit of an effort which will mean the world to her devoted DGM.

Of course you should all go- including your daughter. She should understand that sometimes we need to do things that aren’t top of our list but will mean a lot to others. I wish I could attend my grandmas 80th again!

This. Kids need to realise the importance of considering other people not just themselves. It's an 80th. Who knows how many more birthdays there will be after this for her gran.

Tell her straight to suck it up! The law of averages says there won't be many more opportunities to see her Grandmother on her birthday, but she's got at least 4 more years of parties with school friends!

Are the cousins and their non-attendance even relevant in this case?

Surely, if she is thinking that she doesn't want to be stuck with a group of elderly and middle-aged people, wouldn't her young-adult cousins also not want to be stuck with a 13yo kid?!

As someone who recently lost her lovely MIL, younger than yours is, I wholeheartedly agree with making the effort to get to the party as a family. Sometimes we have those weekends where it’s entirely sucked up by travel just for one meal/event but it’s part of life. I’m very used to jumping on a plane Fri night after work and then flying back Sunday afternoon, it’s tiring but means I’ve made birthdays/hennys etc and people always appreciate the effort.

I actually remember behaving similar to your daughter when I was a teen. My uncle was getting married in Scotland, we lived in England at the time and it meant I had to miss a school trip and a party at the weekend. I was livid and thoroughly vile to my mum. I’m so ashamed looking back, cannot remember whose party it was and my social life was fine for having missed it. I would be taking my 13 year old if it was me, as others have said, a good opportunity to demonstrate that the world does not revolve around them.