Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

601 replies

Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 08:19

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

OP posts:
viques · 20/10/2025 11:55

If the Cousins are automatically excused because they are at University and have apparently lost the ability to travel, I think it is fair to excuse the 13 year old who has commitments too. I am sure she can find a friend to stay with for the weekend, and can face time granny to wish her a happy birthday

Jamesblonde2 · 20/10/2025 11:55

Leave 13 yo at home with friends/family.

250 miles doesn’t take 5-6 hours. Do you drive one of those EV’s?

PurpleThistle7 · 20/10/2025 11:56

Jamesblonde2 · 20/10/2025 11:55

Leave 13 yo at home with friends/family.

250 miles doesn’t take 5-6 hours. Do you drive one of those EV’s?

They're taking the train

QuickPeachPoet · 20/10/2025 11:56

Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 11:25

Wow - I think this might be the first time I've ever had ten pages of comments, I honestly expected one!

Thanks all for taking the time to post - I genuinely wanted to hear a variety of views so its good to see the debate.

I haven't responded to later posts as I'd be repeating my earlier ones but yes MiL is lovely and yes she did lots of school hol childcare for dd when she was younger and has always made a huge fuss of her for birthdays, Xmas etc. The dinner wasn't MiL's idea and she absolutely wouldn't insist anyone goes. But I know how thrilled she would be to see dd.

Also should add that for the two cousins the cost of train fare and lost wages for weekend work shifts are a big issue - their parents work in underpaid caring professions and money is not plentiful. We would happily pay their train fare but dp thought it would be a bit insensitive to his brother to offer, which I get. We're already paying for the meal jointly with dp's uncle.

If it was a genuine emergency of course we'd be able to leave dd for a night or two. And obvs she goes on sleepovers regularly. But this is different - the close sets of friends that we'd consider in those circs I know have two kids doing two different sports in two different locations at different times, all weekend. I don't think its fair to ask them to take dd just because its not particularly fun for dd. That's not an emergency in my view.
Completely understand others are in a different scenario - its not the norm amongst my group of friends or dd's school friends.

Your daughter is being a brat. Granny makes a huge fuss of her on HER birthday, cared for her during holiday time, and now she is behaving like the world revolves around ME ME ME.
Make it clear that if she is sulky and monosyllabic, she will be pulled not only from the rehearsal she is missing but from the whole dance show. And there will be no more friends' parties this side of Christmas.
A 13 year old does NOT get to dominate.

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:56

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 11:46

It’s one of those MN anomalies I think - in real life all my teenage relatives are off doing their own thing with practically no input from their parents unless it’s to cadge a lift or ask for a tenner for a Maccies 😂

Show quote history

and I thought I was old-fashion and over-bearing for insisting on having parental confirmation that the parents know their kids are staying at mine, and they know if they plan to all go to a party together 😂

MN is putting a whole over level of crazy on things.

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 11:56

LarkspurLane · 20/10/2025 11:53

So what would you do here, leave a 13 year old at home for the weekend?

Show quote history

I’d leave them with a friend for a couple of nights (or two friends for a night each).

Or go up Saturday morning and come back Sunday morning so she only had to stay with a friend for one night.

SheilaFentiman · 20/10/2025 11:57

viques · 20/10/2025 11:55

If the Cousins are automatically excused because they are at University and have apparently lost the ability to travel, I think it is fair to excuse the 13 year old who has commitments too. I am sure she can find a friend to stay with for the weekend, and can face time granny to wish her a happy birthday

OP has explained that the cousins have work at the weekends, and an even longer travel time (if eg gran is in Cornwall, OP is in the south east and the cousins are at uni in Edinburgh/Newcastle etc)

But an 18 year old gets to make decisions that a 13 year old does not, I am not sure why this is surprising to anyone.

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 11:59

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:56

and I thought I was old-fashion and over-bearing for insisting on having parental confirmation that the parents know their kids are staying at mine, and they know if they plan to all go to a party together 😂

MN is putting a whole over level of crazy on things.

Show quote history

I know, makes me so glad my teenage years are over!

I would be left to my own devices all day, everyday at weekends and in the holidays at 13, and constantly made last minute plans to sleep over somewhere or to have someone come to mine.

My mum regularly came home to find my best mate comfy on the sofa waiting for dinner 😂

SheilaFentiman · 20/10/2025 11:59

There are other threads where posters faint at the idea of leaving a 17yo home alone for a weekend.

Sure - newsflash, MN is made up of thousands and thousands of posters, not all of whom are on every thread you see.

If the DD was 17, then I think OP would be fine to leave her home alone, and I would agree with that decision. 13 and 17 are not the same.

chaosmaker · 20/10/2025 11:59

13 is a child and she just has to suck it up. I know modern kids seem to be in charge but it is good for them not to do what they want all the time and have to fit in with others. Life skills.
Hope you all have a great time and she might surprise herself and enjoy it, given she'll be the baby there. :)

StrawBeretMoose · 20/10/2025 12:00

Your thread title made me think you were driving, having dinner then driving back.
You’re basically going away for a weekend 250 miles away so can’t see anything mad about that in itself.

I wouldn’t make the teenager go, her own life is important too.

PurpleThistle7 · 20/10/2025 12:01

It's really two issues right?

  1. Should your daughter attend this event because she's a good person and a loving granddaughter?
  2. Is your daughter capable of being somewhere else for the weekend? Can you leave her home (still shocked by this being something suggested but everyone is different!)? Can you cobble together a plan? Can she suggest something?

Personally I think the answer to (1) is obviously a yes as this is a one-time ask for someone who has put a lot of time and love into this relationship and it's very little to ask. But if it's not for you, then you explore (2).

OldLondonDad · 20/10/2025 12:01

Seriously, most of the responses are like of course she'd rather be with her friends than "some 80 year old".

The 80 year old in question is her GRANDMOTHER! It would be an absolute for me - she goes, end of story - unless there's some major drama or something between them, which it really doesn't sound like there is.

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 12:03

OldLondonDad · 20/10/2025 12:01

Seriously, most of the responses are like of course she'd rather be with her friends than "some 80 year old".

The 80 year old in question is her GRANDMOTHER! It would be an absolute for me - she goes, end of story - unless there's some major drama or something between them, which it really doesn't sound like there is.

It might be her grandmother but she’s still 13 and would rather hang out with her mates 😂

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 12:04

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 12:03

It might be her grandmother but she’s still 13 and would rather hang out with her mates 😂

Show quote history

it's also telling the cousins are not there.

One thing to be the only family member in the extended family to miss out on a family gathering, another entirely to be the ONLY young person to be dragged there.

PurpleThistle7 · 20/10/2025 12:04

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 12:03

It might be her grandmother but she’s still 13 and would rather hang out with her mates 😂

Show quote history

Of course she would. But she would also likely rather not clean her room or do any chores or do her homework. What a 13 year old 'wants' to do and what she's going to do don't need to be the same thing.

Purpleturtle45 · 20/10/2025 12:05

I would definitely go in your situation, it's a very special occasion for someone who you are all very close to and potentially might not have many birthdays left.

I think your daughter should just suck it up, she will be disappointed but I'm sure most weekends revolve around her as they do in most families. It's good for children to see other people taking priority as well, especially someone that has done so much for your family, including her.

And I agree about leaving the 13 year old for a weekend. If my 13 year old was invited to a friend's house for the weekend and he wanted to go that would be fine, but I would never ask anyone, other than family, to take my child for a weekend unless it was an emergency.

SheilaFentiman · 20/10/2025 12:07

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 12:04

it's also telling the cousins are not there.

One thing to be the only family member in the extended family to miss out on a family gathering, another entirely to be the ONLY young person to be dragged there.

Show quote history

How is it 'telling'?

Purpleturtle45 · 20/10/2025 12:07

StrawBeretMoose · 20/10/2025 12:00

Your thread title made me think you were driving, having dinner then driving back.
You’re basically going away for a weekend 250 miles away so can’t see anything mad about that in itself.

I wouldn’t make the teenager go, her own life is important too.

Most weekends probably revolve around her I imagine (but could be wrong). It's good for kids to experience putting other people first too, especially one that has done so much for her and for such a special occasion.

NorthXNorthWest · 20/10/2025 12:09

I wouldn't think twice about doing this. Have done similar in the past. Everybody wins.

TheignT · 20/10/2025 12:09

anyolddinosaur · 20/10/2025 11:25

She goes - and if she doesnt behave herself then there are consequences she appreciates even less than missing the party. She can show off her dance moves to her grandmother.

As a grandmother I'd hate this and be really upset if I found out my GC had been threatened to make them come when they had other things to do.

SoMuchBadAdvice · 20/10/2025 12:09

You should definitely go.

Treat this as a learning exercise for DD, either she comes & enjoys it or she organises an alternative w/e for herself that you approve of. Ideally staying with a friend, or 2 friends to share the w/e on 2 families.

LarkspurLane · 20/10/2025 12:09

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 12:03

It might be her grandmother but she’s still 13 and would rather hang out with her mates 😂

Show quote history

I do stuff all the time when I would rather be doing something else.
I don't think it does anyone any harm to occasionally put someone else above themselves.

YumYa · 20/10/2025 12:11

OldLondonDad · 20/10/2025 12:01

Seriously, most of the responses are like of course she'd rather be with her friends than "some 80 year old".

The 80 year old in question is her GRANDMOTHER! It would be an absolute for me - she goes, end of story - unless there's some major drama or something between them, which it really doesn't sound like there is.

Absolutely. Family doesn't seem to be important to so many. Having a good one is a gift.

reabies · 20/10/2025 12:11

I think I probably would bring a 13yo just because they are still too young to be at home for a weekend by themselves. But for an older teen (maybe 15+) it would really depend on their relationship with their grandparent as to whether I'd force it.

My PILs expect everyone to be around for their birthdays, but have decided to book holidays over my two kids' next birthdays. I'm at the point now where I couldn't give less of a shit if they are turning 70, 75, 80 blah blah milestones. If they can't be bothered to celebrate my kids' birthdays why should I be bothered to celebrate theirs.

Anyway OPs situation is different and granny has been involved and loving to the teen, so as disappointing as it is for the 13yo to miss her stuff, seems fair enough that she goes.