500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

Find a way to leave DD at home
Even if you stay with her ,and your DH just goes to the dinner

Could you get the train back Saturday morning with your daughter so she doesn't have to stay until Sunday?

Why should OP miss the 80th birthday of someone who is important to her?

I'm sure most weekends, what DD wants to do re dance and socialising is prioritised by her parents. This time, the parental choice takes priority.

The dinner is Saturday night. They leave Friday evening on a 5-6 h train journey (I assume something like London to Penzance and possibly having to get into London first).

Goodness me time for some life lessons for your daughter. It is her grandmothers 80th, she might make her 90th but there is no guarantee and if she does ill health might rule out a repeat of her 80th celebrations.

The fact her cousins will not be attending is a red herring, she is a separate entity and may benefit from an introduction in how to conduct herself in social situations whilst in the company of adults. It is a life skill that appears to be reducing and we should swim against the tide on such matters.

At her age it is more likely than not that she will be attending her friends birthday celebrations next year so I would be informing DD that she will be attending, you after all are the adult and make the household decisions not a 13 year old.

No she’s not - she’s not insisting nobody goes or having a screaming fit. She’s being a normal 13yo who would rather be with her friends at a party instead of with her 80yo grandma.

It always feels as though some MN’ers have no recollection of what it’s like to be a teenager when I read threads like this 🫣 I understood a lot of things at 13 but that doesn’t mean I always reacted perfectly and never felt pissed off, or unheard, or fed up.

by that age, they've spent enough holidays with friends or at friends, it IS very unusual.

It might mean she has to cancel her dance rehearsal because you can't expect friends to chauffeur her around, but it's all about compromise.

I believe the OP, but I would be a lot more worried about not having friends at that age to stay with, than an 80 year old birthday diner.

OP has explained that the friends she would feel comfortable asking have family commitments of their own, with sport etc, at the weekend.

Also - if the point of the DD missing the 80th is so she can do the dance rehearsal and the party, then staying with a friend but still not being able to go to those makes her missing it even more pointless!

what I find also frightening is how many posters are incapable of imagining an independent life for their kids and teens -keeping it age appropriate of course.

It's either ALL THE FAMILY or no-one, it's just weird.

There are other threads where posters faint at the idea of leaving a 17yo home alone for a weekend.

How are all these kids going to grow up? It's not normal to insist on treating them all like toddlers, do as you are told, shut up and stay with us. Who does that?

Op, you sound really lovely and considerate and a wonderful dil (a rare thing on Mumsnet!). It’s a shame for your dd, but it’s also important that she learns that sometimes other people and their needs come first.

It’s funny, now that my dds are young adults, you can really tell from their experiences and interactions with certain friends who the ones who grew up loved and secure but knowing they weren’t placed at the very centre of the universe are. And those that struggle now to compromise and go with the flow. You will be doing your dd a favour in the long run.

I think so many responses on here, are truly telling of how they do (or mostly don't) have a good relationship with older members of the family. How on earth people can reply to you with such strong views, when they simply have no idea what your and your dd's relationship is with your mil.

Given that you have such a strong relationship, all of you going just seems the right thing to do

Would it be possible to shorten the weekend at all, by taking an early train on the Saturday morning rather than the Friday? As it is a train trip it won't be as taxing as a road trip with someone driving.

I have had two teens. I can assure you that your dd's response is not out of the ordinary. 13 year olds are pretty self centered so I am really not signaling out your dd at all, but it is just how it is. They do need to be guided at this age, so a flat out 'you are going and that is the end of it' discussion will most likely not end well.

Do you need to get outfits? You could make a day of this prior to the weekend where you get an outfit and spend a day together shopping for one.

Seems a shame for her to miss out - me and cousins all loved our granny's 80th as it was an excuse to all see each other too. I guess it depends how close you all are.

But no I don't see it as too far - it's very much a one off special occasion. We would do the same - our families are similar distance away.

Ah OK I didn't realise that, well whatever OP decides, I hope her daughter isn't punished if she doesn't look happy, she can be made to go but it's OK for her to feel upset about it.
In that case I would travel down Saturday and come back early Sunday

fine, missing the birthday party if you prefer. 🙄

The cousins have perfect excuses not to attend, it's not like the teen is actually missing out on a big family reunion is she.

Everybody has family commitments, the guest tags along. How do you manage when you have other kids staying over at the weekend? It's not that hard!

She has to come and does not get a choice. She can bring books, phone, whatever devices to use all weekend except the actual dinner. Sometimes you have to miss out on things. Tough.

It’s one of those MN anomalies I think - in real life all my teenage relatives are off doing their own thing with practically no input from their parents unless it’s to cadge a lift or ask for a tenner for a Maccies 😂

Well sure but how is watching friend's siblings play football more valuable than going to see her grandmother who took care of her when she was a child and has a close relationship with her entire family? She won't be going to the dance practice in any scenario as she has no way of getting there. So it's not actually a choice between those two options.

I still can't believe people would leave a 13 year old home alone for an entire weekend. I am on the relaxed end of my friends - my son is the only one walking himself to school and my daughter walks herself back and forth to most of her dance classes while most are dropped off... but there's no chance I'd leave my 12 year old in the house by herself for an entire weekend and expect her to uber round to parties and dance rehearsals!

The cousins aren't going so it's an all adults meal with just OP's daughter the only teen. Could she take a friend along maybe?

She’s needs to go and learn you can’t do everything you want and sometimes certain things are more important.
and no your not crazy. We do 500 mile round in a day quite regular. This weekend gone we did just that. It’s exhausting but my elderly parents appreciate it and it means I get a day to rest before back to work, so doing it in three days would be a luxury!

I’m sure she’ll survive being without teenage company for a day or two. She won’t wither away. It’s hardly strangers, it’s her own family.

I would go. I used to travel this distance to see my son at uni on the odd occasion like his 21st. it's not that bad if you're staying over. I'd probably try to get your DD to come just because it's a special occasion for her grandma who would be happy to see her. But if the party is very important to her I would let her stay with friends.

We do this every time we see our in laws. It’s no big deal. At all

So what would you do here, leave a 13 year old at home for the weekend?

I wouldn't want to spend 5-6 hours on a train, go more or less straight to the birthday dinner after a quick change in a hotel and then straight back the next morning. I think that would be a lot more tiring for all vs DD missing one dance class on the Friday night.

Doing it the way it is planned would give the family a day in whatever town it is, maybe DD can pick a lunch place or an afternoon movie.

I would leave mine with one, or at worst, 2 friends that weekend.

I have hosted enough kids and often that I can just ask if mine can stay.
If we didn't go away, she'll probably stay with them or have them here anyway, especially after a birthday party