Are there any circumstances which would make you stop contact with an adult child?

[Lilington]

Inspired by another thread where I mentioned that my horrible ex husband’s parents cut contact with him due to his utterly shitty conduct I’m wondering how often this happens and what people consider reasonable grounds for parents to stop contact with adult sons or daughters.

In the case of my ex husband it was serious financial abuse (as well as being an arrogant, selfish bastard who never did anything for anyone except if it suited his purposes) which actually led to legal action.

No.

Literally none.

even if they committed the most despicable of crimes, I would visit in prison and they’d be a room for them In my home whenever

I'd like to say none but I don't think that's realistic. Sometimes you do have to make the decision to distance yourself no matter how painful it is, just for your own survival.

This

No. Never.

I think none. But also you don't know how you'd react in every single situation do you. You can imagine but imagination doesn't always match up with reality.

Never say never but i simply cannot imagine it. Whatever happened I would want to repair the relationship and that might involve holding them to account if they had done something awful. But no, as far as I can imagine I would never cut them off.

If they turned out like Ian Watkins I would not have any contact with them.

Honestly this is what I'm thinking. Any family members who were child abusers, domestic abusers or murderers would be absolutely no contact to me. I can't understand anyone saying otherwise tbh.

I think being a phaedophile . That would be the only reason.

I can't imagine a situation where I would, but if there was one which was causing my mental health to suffer intolerably then I would choose myself over them, yes. I am a person too.

yes.

i suspect I have an overactive imagination because I can imagine several circumstances.

fir example, they might have raped me. Don’t think I’d be able to go near them after that.

(insert various other possibilities involving gruesome violence against me)

Child abuse, rape and murder.

Yes, rape as well.

THIS.

This does not mean I would be meekly accepting whatever BS they said or did, I would have strict boundaries in place and if they committed a heinous crime I would shop them to the police.

However, if they committed despicable crimes I would do my utmost to get them psychiatric treatment for it and I would never stop trying to help them. I would visit them in prison etc

What if they were bringing trouble to your door…drug dealers arriving, bringing home different women every night, wrecking the house…I could go on.

It would take a lot for me to stop all contact but I couldn’t put up with a lot of the behaviours mentioned above!

When they are abusing you and the other people you love.

When your child is destroying the lives of your grandchildren, his wife, your other children, his other parent… what can you do?

I unfortunately have the displeasure of knowing someone who has been so cruel to his parents that they had to reluctantly cut him off. No matter how much you love your child, if they treat you as their punching bag (literally in some cases), you have to cut them off.

According to my father, standing up for myself and refusing to back down after he was horribly rude to me at supper one evening will do it (and no, he doesn’t have dementia).

I also know someone who, as an adult, was awful to his parents. It was seriously egregious financial abuse and he was cut off from his siblings and parents.

I think you would forgive a one off issue (or ongoing behaviour caused by addiction or mental health problems) but not a lifetime of abusive conduct with a complete lack of remorse or any desire to change.

I think it also depends on the relationship itself. A loving son or daughter who goes off the rails is an entirely different thing to someone like my ex husband who never had any love for anyone.

He has left a trail of victims behind him and is working on his latest one now. He has no conscience. I have never known him reflect, worry or feel guilt on anything at all. It is like something is missing in him. He hides it with a lot of superficial charm but he has a gap in his soul.

Not a parenting issue in his case.
His brother is not like this at all and my ex has no reason from his upbringing at all (and I have asked him, and known him since he was a little boy) to be the person he is.

I can definitely see why his parents have cut him off. They did try for decades but each time he behaved the same way.
Ultimately it was a safety issue. A bit like not swimming with a shark. He is a shark so he will bite you. He is unable to do anything else. The only way to avoid being bitten is don’t get into the water with him.

As well as a course of conduct are also some extremes which I would not forgive even if it was a one off.
Abuse of animals, children, or women would be the end of it for me. If you can do such things then you are no longer human.

I wish my neighbours thought like this. I currently have 2 child sex offender living next doir, one on either side of me, living with their parents/grandparents. And not a thing we can do about it as homes are all privately owned.

I have had to for my own safety. It’s a complicated situation but they assaulted me and they were arrested. I didn’t want any contact with them at the time. That was a few years ago and we are in occasional contact now although I am very wary and do not trust them.

Seriously none? I don’t understand this logic. So what if your son turned out to be a serial rapist, murderer or paedophile?
For me I would mourn the little boy I knew but would have to cut ties with the man he became.
Likewise even on a lesser scenario I’d have to reduce contact with a child that was abusive on a lower level. I couldn’t just play happy families with a son who hit their wife, or a daughter who did drugs and neglected child. I’d offer advice to sort their lives out but then be there for grandchildren instead and hope one day these selfish adults matured but I certainly wouldn’t be an enabler in this situation

It's strange how people are very quick to cut contact from toxic parents but not their toxic children.

Is it? Nature pre-determines our commitment to our offspring. Not so much with our parents.