Are there any circumstances which would make you stop contact with an adult child?

[Lilington]

Inspired by another thread where I mentioned that my horrible ex husband’s parents cut contact with him due to his utterly shitty conduct I’m wondering how often this happens and what people consider reasonable grounds for parents to stop contact with adult sons or daughters.

In the case of my ex husband it was serious financial abuse (as well as being an arrogant, selfish bastard who never did anything for anyone except if it suited his purposes) which actually led to legal action.

I think a lot of people on here are much more tolerant than I am. It would be enough for me that an adult child had acted in a despicable way, especially if I had to make a choice between them and others that I loved.

For example, if my son abandoned his wife and children, and refused to face up to his responsibilities (or was abusive towards his family), I'd choose my grandchildren and a hopefully cordial relationship with ex-DIL/partner every time.

If I had younger kids at home, and a child of mine was making their lives hell, that child would be out on their ear.

I can't imagine turning my back on adult children because of things they did. Even if I hated what they'd done I would still feel the sort of unconditional love I always have, I think. I guess you'd have to experience it to know for sure though. What Ian Watkins' mum must have gone through doesn't bear thinking about.

If they cut me off, however, I think I'd get to the end of my rope after a while. I'm not the type to beg or try to persuade them to resume contact, or to forgive me for things I didn't know I'd done. I think the way some people estrange parents without explanation is horrible, and (whilst hoping it never happens to me) think that I'd reach a point where I'd think 'fuck it' and let them get on with it if it did.

If one of them said they were cutting me out because xyz, I hope I'd be able to listen and try to engage and aim towards resolving things, but if they just cut contact I think I'd do the 'Let Them' thing and walk away after a while. Maybe I'd still be there if they changed their minds, but it wouldn't be a given.

Yes, they do. And some people don't. There are examples on this thread of families who've gone above and beyond to support someone who for whatever reason is so damaged and dysfunctional that they can't turn their life around and drag down everyone who has the misfortune to be involved with them. If that ever happened in our family, I would want to protect the mental and physical health of the rest of us, especially any children, and also try to hang on to my financial security. If that's harsh, so be it. I cannot see what would be gained by ruining other people's lives further than they already are for someone whose own life is a lost cause.

Definitely not none because an extremely serious crime against me or one of my other kids could lead to estrangement.

There have been stories on here where parents have lived with abusive adult kids who sometimes gave addiction issues so they steal, get violent or destroy the home and they feel awful. I have lots of sympathy for people in those kinds of situations going NC.

Gosh someone ought to have a chat with my father then!

After supporting him with all sorts of things, mostly to do with my mothers ill health, he cut contact with me and his only grandchildren when I refused to acknowledge the woman he’d moved into his house after a few weeks of my mother dying. The woman was / is a mouthy, argumentative, volatile piece of work and she took an instant dislike to me because of how close we were.

I refused to have anything to do with her - played into her hands really. My father stood by that and he’s not spoken to me now for well over 10 years.

Hurt like hell at the time and I thought I’d never get over it. I now see it as his loss, his beautiful grandchildren have grown into very successful adults. I don’t have to support him in any way any longer (was always needing help with something).

Ive heard he’s quite under the thumb with this woman and in his late 70’s he’s doing school runs and looking after lots of her small grandchildren. He never had a lot of patience with his own when he was in contact so hope he’s happy in the bed he’s made for himself

I think it is very difficult to say categorically in a given situation as to what you would do . It will of course depend on all the facts and circumstances at the time .

I am really sorry to read of those parents who have been put in that really difficult position of going no / low contact . I am sure it wasn’t an easy decision and one that was taken to protect themselves physically / mentally and also to protect others .We each have our own breaking points when we reach a point that we may have to make a decision that others would say they would never reach .
The point is that we don’t know what we would do definitively and some people may cope with more than others . There may be circumstances when I think I would stop contact .

There will also be parents who will be willing to excuse anything their child has done even if that is sexual abuse of another family member . The awful anonymised example given earlier in the thread of the mother who wanted to brush everything under the carpet when her daughter was sexually abused . If you read any accounts of the victim in that situation they detail that the ( unsupportive ) reaction of eg a parent when they are told / find out can sometimes be as bad as , if not worse than the abuse itself .

Yes a crime may be so abhorrent that you would think in those circumstances you would cut them off . I don’t know , I think it is more likely you would cut them off .

I think you may feel some guilt that it was you that brought that child into the world and may try and reach out to the small chink of humanity that may be left in them .
You may be left wanting to know why , there may be benefits to continuing to see them eg in prison . The only one I can think of off hand , is those cases where someone has been convicted of murder and refuses to reveal where the body of the victim is .

it is really difficult to know . I think some of the parents who maintain contact with their child , may also be able to compartmentalise ie see their child as separate to the crime , may even believe they are innocent .They aren’t necessarily condoning the crime .
Who knows , we don’t know .

I would also say as someone who has experienced a messy relationship break up that you also don’t always react as you may have thought you would .

The thing is that, assuming your child is genetically yours and you've raised them from birth, it's impossible to imagine that you'd have produced a human who'd do that.

An adopted or step child, even brought up from babyhood or early childhood, might have genetic, in utero drug exposure, attachment disorder etc. issues which could make it less "our fault" - but if you as a parent are completely responsible for the genetics (choice of partner plus your own) and upbringing - the nature and the nurture, it's unfathomable that your child could become that, unless they've been dehumanised by living in a war zone or something.

Personality disorders stem from genetic predisposition combined with traumatic or neglectful childhood or adolescence - they are not utterly random. Hard not to take a share of responsibility as a parent.

I moved in with my boyfriend at the age of 18 without being married.
My mother wanted to disown me, but my father persuaded her that it wasn’t on.
We have a very strained and distant relationship.

Controversial but I won't be seeing them whilst they have the capacity to cause further harm. If they end up in a mental hospital, then yes, I might go visit them there. Or a prison.

I would like to think I would want to be part of the recovery for my loved one.

I haven't been part of cutting people off. I don't wish that on myself. But I have also been witness to people getting cut of for silly dumb reasons. And I have seen people who's forgiveness is scandalous.

Go no contact, no, never. But I wouldn’t hesitate to put healthy boundaries in place if they were needed due to substance abuse or mental health issues.

That said, I have no relationship with my mum. She isn’t “no contact” with me. She just doesn’t really care. The last time I saw her was nearly 6 years ago and I haven’t spoken to her in probably 3-4 years. She moved house to a different part of the country and didn’t even tell me for a year. She’s now moved again, so I literally have no idea where she lives. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She lives a fairly dysfunctional life and cuts off anyone who won’t go along with her narrative. Before me, it was other friends and family. She would kind of still like me in her life, but only in ways that play into her dysfunction. If you don’t play along, she disappears for months at a time.

As a parent, I can’t personally understand it. Nothing would stop me. I’d go to the ends of the earth for my children. Even if I didn’t agree with them or I thought their behaviour was terrible or whatever, I would want to be there to support them getting better.

DH cut off his adult kids. Their behaviour was utterly despicable and there is no way we could have remained in contact with them at all. None.

After what went on, had he stuck with them, I would have gone but I didn't tell him that. I waited to see which way he would jump but he is a decent honourable man and he was as repelled by them as me despite the blood tie. Phew!

At this very moment possibly my 7 year old if she doesn’t change her attitude by adulthood

Rape, paedophilia, serial killer. (Singular murder dependent on circumstances I could stay).

I would if an adult dc was abusing me and there was no chance of healing the relationship.

It's nice to think in no circumstances would I cut a child off but the reality is often different.

No. Not in a million years ❤️

My first instinct was none, but I guess if they were a danger toe or their siblings I might have to