Are there any circumstances which would make you stop contact with an adult child?

[Lilington]

Inspired by another thread where I mentioned that my horrible ex husband’s parents cut contact with him due to his utterly shitty conduct I’m wondering how often this happens and what people consider reasonable grounds for parents to stop contact with adult sons or daughters.

In the case of my ex husband it was serious financial abuse (as well as being an arrogant, selfish bastard who never did anything for anyone except if it suited his purposes) which actually led to legal action.

Going slightly off topic here but I think that whilst we all have our own personal morals, much of how humans behave comes down to what is normalised and culturally acceptable. Some things we do here are seen as punishable by death in other countries or in previous times in history, just as some things that are accepted in other countries are not acceptable here. I don't think you have to be mentally unwell to commit murder, you just have to feel it is acceptable under your moral compass.

I don’t find that the least bit strange

No there is nothing that would result in my cutting off contact from my child. Even if I think of the very worst crimes they could commit, I would still be present at court for them, would still visit in prison, would still.., be there

What about these kind of crimes - David Fuller - absolute monster ?

You might not be able too, you might be dead.

So the question wouldn’t be applicable 😵‍💫

For my father, the tipping point for me was passing along emails from my mum, who he had left out of the blue for another woman. Mum wasn't getting answers to any legal questions she needed the answer to, and they were attempting to divorce without solicitors. Apparently this meant I was "obviously" siding with my mother, he then listed all the ways in which I'd disappointed him over the years and cut me off. I persisted for another 12 months, including him in newsy emails I sent to my aunts (his sisters) until I announced my engagement and he told me not to include him in any more emails.

For my half sisters, the trigger was not cutting contact with "that woman" - my mum, their stepmother for over 30 years and an important part of their lives.

I sincerely hope I could never be as petty with my own children.

I have almost no contact with my 16 yr old son who I brought up as a lone parent, after his dad stepped up alienation.

While I would like more contact, I can see that contact with him is not always healthy and can understand why some parents would not want anything to do with their child

For instance, my exh was a domestic abuser; earlier this year my son gleefully joined in with his father mocking my mental health and asking if I was hearing voices, because I wouldn't agree to something they both wanted (I had PND). He was also used as a (willing) tool by my ex to stalk and spy on me

I still love my son and it physically and mentally hurts to not have him in my life, but if contact with him means I'm abused physically or mentally by my ex or his family, that's at too high a price.

And for him to take pleasure in that is also so fucked up for him and his emotional development as an adult, so it may be for the best that I don't have contact with him

Strong whiff of burning martyr on this thread. I would think it's rare but there are definitely times when a parent should cut ties for the sake of their own and other family members' wellbeing and safety.

I've changed username to post this.
A friend of my dd was repeatedly raped from the ages of 9-14 by her slightly older brother.
It all came out during gcse year. The mum wanted it to forgotten about & the whole family move on, the dad was horrified & wanted the police, S/S involved.
In any event the parents have divorced & the dad & daughter have moved to London where shes doing her A levels.
The son must be at Uni now.

Awful - I would have wanted my son to face justice & I know I coukdn't bear to ever have him near me.

Yes, murder or violence. That would do it. Obviously depends a bit on context. Or it they screwed me over financially.

OMG. How on earth do you 'move on' from that?

Crimes against children or women - that would swing it for me

Low Contact yes if they kept upsetting me & hurting my feelings...

If they did something horrific I might feel it was my duty to see them and possibly punish myself as someone who somehow brought this horrible human being into the world. But nominally try to urge them to express remorse or find a way to become a better person, help someone and not be a total loss as a human being.

Evidenced, not just conjecture, by my poor in laws.

It’s terribly easy to say when you’ve never experienced the depths your child has reached or the abject humiliation and despair they have brought to your door.

Somewhere in there is the child you did your best for. To disown them also means negating life before you knew.

It’s an insufferable burden. Be grateful every day you never have to live it.

I remember reading an interview with some parents who, after years of trying, cut contact with their adult child who was a heroin addict. They had repeatedly welcomed them back into their home only to be met with stealing and violence. They had remortgaged to afford the best rehab. They had called ambulances to their home repeatedly to deal with near fatal overdoses and, in the end, they felt they had to protect their younger children from their oldest. It was a heartbreaking account and it made me realise that there is a limit to what I could let one of my children expose the other one to.

This is my situation. Ultimately you reach a point where it's self preservation or you die. It's that stark a choice. Not everyone has children who can be reasoned with or fixed.

The posters saying they would never stop contact with their child, what would you do if they raped or murdered their own child.

The 2 children I currently have, who are both adults, I can't imagine ever cutting contact even if they had committed crimes. They are both kind, soft hearted individuals, prone to anxiety, who its difficult to imagine committing henious crimes.

Some people are beyond help though, people with serious personality disorders who eventually wear down the most well intentioned parents. If you have had years of abuse you would eventually have to protect yourself and others in the family.

That is such a wise post

And how I feel

When people commit vile crimes let's take Wayne Couzens who raped and murdered Sarah Everard in 2021, they couldn't give a shit about their own parents.

They are not thinking about them whatsoever.
Why should the parent give a shit about them then?

For the record his mother maintains some sort of contact with him as she sent him presents for his 50th birthday in prison.
He dosent deserve it.
What a thing to make your mother live with, let alone the victim and her mother.
Utterly selfish. Whatever happened to humanity?

I agree.

Very different to a parent.

I think that’s very harsh.
Some people do turn their lives around with family support.

If they harmed children or any vulnerable people (like intentionally benefiting from modern slavery) I'd find it hard. And if they threatened anyone living in my home, I would not want them under the same roof.

But that's easy for me to say as DC are both decent, loving adults and unlikely to ever cause problems.

None. That doesn't mean I would ever accept certain behaviors but I would never cut them off

I would not be able to call my child my child if they did that, and yes, would stop contact. I thought the OP was talking about financial fraud or other similar crimes.